Raj Daniels

Why did you look at me like that?

Why did you make that face?

Why did you use that tone?

If you’ve asked any of the previous questions, you might be playing emotional Rorschach. There might not have been a face, a look, or a tone, and there’s a chance you misinterpreted what you heard or saw.

The Rorschach test, also known as the inkblot test, was a projective psychological test created in 1921. It was designed to test an individual’s perceptions of inkblots on a piece of paper. The keyword in the description of the test is ‘projective.’

“The underlying assumption is that an individual will class external stimuli based on person-specific perceptual sets, and including needs, base motives, conflicts, and that this clustering process is representative of the process used in real-life situations.”

Essentially, it says you will see and experience situations based on your personal history. You will, for lack of a better word, project and ultimately derive meaning from a situation based on your past. So, there is a chance that you misread the situation.

Maybe the look meant nothing. Maybe there was no underlying agenda. It could just be in your mind.

Now, obviously, like so much in life, there are a lot of grey areas, and you’re probably not always mistaken when assessing a situation. But what if sometimes you are?

Holding back judgment or giving an individual the benefit of the doubt is a great way to prevent jumping to conclusions about what someone did or said towards you.

One of the interesting things researchers found when administering the test is that cultural backgrounds and prior experiences influenced what people saw in the inkblots. And since we all have some unique aspects of our individual experiences and history, it means we all experience the world differently.

So the next time you find yourself wondering what someone meant by the look on their face or something they said that’s got you a little flustered, think about the emotional Rorschach. It might be a combination of your imagination and projection leading you to a false conclusion.

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How often do you find yourself behind the eight ball?

One definition of being behind the eight ball is feeling behind on tasks – feeling a sense of overwhelm.

In today’s always-on world, it’s easy to get caught up in the number of incoming requests for your time and your to-dos—so much so that you’re often left feeling you’re continuously behind the eight ball.

The phrase, behind the eight-ball, originated from the game of pool. It’s the inability to take a clear shot because the cue ball is stuck behind the eight ball. The difference between playing pool and life is that in pool your opponent is usually the one trying to position you behind the eight ball, whereas in life there’s a high chance that you’re doing it to yourself.

I’m not saying that you don’t have a legitimate and endless list of tasks; I am suggesting that there may be times when you’ve taken on just a little too much.  And that’s when you get the feeling of being behind the eight ball.

So how do you get out from behind the eight ball?

Well, there are always things that you could consider removing from your list. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that you can’t. Then what can you do?

What if you pause for a moment? That’s what pool players do. They step back from the table to assess their situation in order to find their next best shot. They pause just long enough to get out from behind the eight ball. Getting out from behind the eight ball does not guarantee they will win the game, but it allows them to continue playing.

What could be your version of a pause?

Your pause could be stepping away for a few seconds to take a deep breath, or it could be pausing for minutes or even days, depending on the importance of the request or task at hand. It could even be re-prioritizing your list and, in some cases, totally eliminating some of your things to do.

I am not suggesting that you abdicate your responsibilities. I am saying that so much of the sense of being overwhelmed results from taking on too much or giving away too much of your attention and time. And the equation of giving away too much while taking on additional will never leave you in the positive; it will always leave you feeling as though you’re behind the eight ball.

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How do you show mutual respect?

It’s easy to have mutual respect with someone that agrees with you or you agree with; the challenge is to respect someone with opposing viewpoints.

One of the dangers of not having mutual respect is that you’re not open to hearing viewpoints contradicting your thoughts. Respecting an individual’s right to voice their opinions and thoughts without pre-judging them is the only way to move a conversation or idea forward.

Allowing yourself to have mutual respect for someone you disagree with says more about you than the other person. When you can be open to new ideas without rushing to defend your existing position, it displays a high level of self-confidence. Not confidence in a hubristic fashion, but rather a comfort with who you are and courage to engage other people’s ideas.

It’s been said that respect is not just the absence of negative behavior, but the presence of positive behaviors. This means taking an active stance to being curious, engaging, and open to others, the position that their input is worthy of your consideration.

Mutual respect can be difficult to cultivate because it can feel threatening. When someone has an opposing opinion, it’s natural to feel as though you’re being attacked, and in some ways you are. Your ideas and thoughts are being challenged and since they are directly tied to your identity, you protect yourself.

But if you can learn to be vulnerable just for a moment -not surrender – but see the other person as you want them to see you, then you have taken the first step towards mutual respect. Now there’s an opening, an opportunity to engage in new conversations, ideas and issues.

If we don’t develop and practice mutual respect, we are ultimately destined for mutual destruction.

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What’s the latest new gadget?

What’s in vogue right now?

What’s trending?

Whatever it is that’s trending will soon be ending.

It’s only a matter of time.

It could be hours, days, or weeks, but whatever is in will soon be out.

What will you do then?

When all you’re left with is stuff that’s out?

What will you do when the new wears off?

When will you decide to step off the trend mill?

I’m going to let you into a little secret about trends.

It’s not the trend you’re after. It’s the feeling that being a part of the trend gives you.

You want to feel like you’re ‘in, hip, in the know.’

You want to look and feel like the people representing the trend.

But you forget that they get paid to make you feel that way.

Because of technology, trends are now cycling through at breakneck speed. As soon as a trend is launched or catches on, there’s another one right behind it. In fact, there are teams of individuals working on what will be ‘trendy’ ten years from now. They’re designing clothes, color pallets, cars, and all kinds of items that will become the next trend.

Yes, many of the trends you see are, in fact, being manufactured. And because of all the readily available data, it’s becoming easier to do so.

So, if you’re going to engage in trend-chasing, prepare for a long journey. However, you can always choose to step off or even never engage. But if you decide to stay on, remember, it’s the trend mill – Tr with no End.

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Do you agree or disagree?

I can hear your brain spinning and asking, ‘Well, it depends on the question?’

Does it?

What if there is no obvious question, just an opportunity to act?

You see, every action you take is an agreement or disagreement with the kind of person you want to be.

If you doubt me, then let me give you an example.

There are many hot topics we can choose from, but let’s make it easy and choose politics.

How many times have you heard a person strongly disagree with government policies? Yet when you ask them what action they’ve taken to change them, you’ll quickly find that they haven’t acted. 

Why is this?

Because it’s easier to talk about than to do.

When your actions are out of alignment with your thoughts, you will feel out of balance because you’re in disagreement with yourself. There’s actually a fancy term for this kind of behavior: cognitive dissonance, which literally means mental discomfort.

Narrowing the gap between how you think and act gives you a sense of harmony because you are being true to yourself. You are in agreement.

But this doesn’t mean that you’re limited to always thinking and acting the same way. You can choose to think differently about something, but you must follow it with action because that is how you’ll agree or become aligned with your new thought.

So, the next time you have a thought or idea about how you’d like to be, do something differently or change a current behavior – enforce and validate it with an action. Close the gap between the person you want to be and the person you are. Be in agreement with the person you want be.

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Are you a lifesaver?

No.

Not the fruity candy with a hole in the middle.

But more like the circular flotation device you find hanging on boats and at pools.

I think you’re a lifesaver. You just aren’t aware of it.

Yes, you have the power to save a life.

Okay. Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way. Both calling 911 in the event of an emergency and performing CPR are lifesaving activities you can do with relative ease.

But what about the simple acts you can perform on a daily basis where the outcome might not be as obvious?

You can acknowledge a server at a restaurant or a customer service person at a store and let them know they are appreciated.

Reach out to a friend or someone you haven’t spoken to in a while to remind them that someone is thinking of them.

Send a thank you note to someone who positively impacted your life.

These acts might seem trivial by themselves, but little acts of kindness make the most significant impact over time.

There have been many stories of individuals whose lives were dramatically changed just because someone cared enough to ask them how they were doing.

Lastly, like the lifesaver, you have arms that can make a perfect ring. The power of a good hug is a miracle in itself.

For a split second, you feel another person’s heartbeat and realize it feels and sounds like your own. What’s keeping them alive is keeping you alive, too. 

Ultimately, recognize that we all can be lifesavers for each other.

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What is your personal reward system?

What do you do – or say to yourself when you catch yourself doing things well?

How do you reinforce your own good behavior?

Positive reinforcement works just as well with people as it does with animals.

Most people are good at beating themselves up when they make a mistake, but they don’t make an effort or take the time to reward themselves for good actions or behaviors.

I’m not saying throw an all-out celebration every time you do something well, although you can if that’s what you want. What I am suggesting is you take a moment to recognize and reward yourself with some positive self-talk,  a virtual pat on your back.

It’s very easy only to notice your faults because they stand out as reminders that no matter how hard you might try, you’re not perfect. Whereas praising yourself for small accomplishments and wins might seem childish, or inconsequential because you expect yourself to get things right.

There is also a deeper underlying reason why many people don’t praise themselves, which comes down to their own self-worth. They don’t feel worthy of praise for unexplored or unknown reasons, and this can be very difficult, although not impossible, to overcome.

Your self-reward system doesn’t have to be super indulgent. It can be something as simple as a few kind words to yourself, just as a reminder that you did something well. For example, when you see athletes perform a fist pump, that’s a reward to remind them of a positive moment.

A self-reward system doesn’t only serve to continue current good behavior; it can also be an effective way to create behavior change and implement new habits into your life.

Start rewarding yourself when you feel you’ve done something well or right, and you’ll find yourself doing it more often. You have the ability to create positive, upward behavior cycles just as easily as negative ones. If you get into the habit of catching and rewarding yourself for being good, then over time, you might be able to forget or eliminate being bad.

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How do you handle your self-doubt?

If you constantly wonder if you’re doing the right thing, don’t worry—you’re not alone.

Self-doubt is as common as breathing. Even the most seasoned individuals and experts in their fields still experience self-doubt.

Self-doubt will, at some point, show up in your life. Whether in education, relationships, career choices, parenting, or even something as simple as what you should wear, self-doubt will appear.

In fact, as I’m writing this, I can feel self-doubt peering over my shoulder, shaking its head side to side, and asking me if this is really what I should be writing about. And I have to give it my honest answer; I don’t know, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Self-doubt has the power to stop people dead in their tracks. It’s what you witness when you see a person walk up to the edge of a diving board and decide not to jump. And when self-doubt shows up, it doesn’t come alone; it brings its friend, fear. Together, they team up against you.

Self-doubt never really goes away; it’s insidious, just waiting quietly in the wings waiting to make its next appearance. And every time it does, you must decide how long to let it perform before sending it off stage.

You have to choose how much control you’ll give your self-doubt and how much of your life you’ll let it drive. If you let it, it will control every decision you make, and your entire life will be on its terms. And that’s no way to live.

A key step in coping with self-doubt is learning to accept it as part of life. Once you accept it, you can develop tools and strategies to manage it.

Remember, self-doubt is an emotion as old as time and was designed to keep you safe and alive. But now that you’re safe and alive don’t let it dictate who you will be, and don’t hide in its shadow. We want to see you take center stage and perform, not your self-doubt.

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Do you know what you’ll have after today?

After today, you’ll have one day less.

You’ll have one day less to pursue your dreams and goals.

You’ll have one day less to spend time with the people you love.

You’ll have one day less to tell them that you love them.

You’ll have one day less to remind yourself just how lucky you were to be here.

You’ll have one day less to be you.

Life is one big subtracting machine, and each day that goes by gives you one day less. Although your age increases, you can’t add days to your life; you can, however, add life to your days.

As the old cliché goes, ‘Today is a gift, and that’s why it’s called the present.’ And like many clichés, there’s some truth to it. However, the gift you’re given each day cannot be collected or stored; it must actually it will be spent whether you want to or not.

So what will you do with your gift of today?

What will you do to add life to your days?

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Heads, I win; tails, you lose.

How do you like that deal?

Does it work for you?

It works for me.

I love being right and winning every time.

How about you?

The temptation to always be right is so alluring that the cost associated with it is often forgotten. And you incorrectly think that the other person has lost, but you, too, have incurred a loss. You just haven’t experienced it yet.

Buried deep down in human nature is the need for survival, which is inextricably tied to the desire to defend ourselves. This need can also manifest itself in the need to be right.

But it can come at a cost.

All relationships begin as fragile structures, and if individuals consistently feel like they need to defend themselves, then cracks will begin to form.

Best-selling author Eckhart Tolle describes the need to be right “as a form of violence. At its mildest, it is inflexibility. At its height, it manifests as dominance. The compulsion to inflict our opinions of the world on another originates in fear. Its opposites are humility and compassion.”

Walking away from an argument or conceding to being wrong is extremely difficult to do, but it is possible.

There’s a great question you can ask yourself.

Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?

Obviously, like any other tool, this question will not work every time. But if nothing else, if the question gives you the opportunity to pause for a moment and evaluate the situation at hand – it has done its job.

Heads I win, tails you lose might seem attractive at first glance, but the problem is that the person you’re playing with will eventually catch on and will no longer want to engage in your game.  Learning to occasionally concede in relationships doesn’t make you a loser; it gives you the opportunity to play again.

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What are your thoughts about IFTTT?

I apologize. First, let me explain what IFTTT stands for.

If This, Then That.

In the world of software development, IFTT is a conditional statement, and there are tools that help developers automate conditional actions.

What are your default conditional actions and statements?

We all have a set of automated reactions and responses that guide us through our day because it would be exhausting to make decisions about each situation as it arises.

However, the challenge occurs when your automated responses begin to cause problems. When your internal IFTTT statements no longer provide the outcomes you’re seeking.

When your IFTTT statements have, in fact, become your habits.

The good news is that you, too, can change your IFTTT statements, just like the software developer.

You can choose any of the following statements or even create your own.

If this, then what?

If this, then maybe.

Or even a firm. If this is the case, then no.

The ‘if’ is the trigger that sets your conditional statements.

You have the power to change your IFTTT statements. If you pay attention, you’ll quickly learn that the ‘if’ is your first opportunity to edit how you will respond to external and internal triggers.

Remember, conditional statements are just that, conditional statements. They are only permanent if you want them to be.

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What are our common denominators?

If you remember fractions from your math class, the common denominator was when the number under the numerator (top number) was the same.

Well, as people, we all have common denominators.

We all have things in common that we strive for and work towards.

You can boil them down to a degree of comfort, a desire to feel as though you are loved, friendship, and some semblance of predictability or stability in life.

If you spend enough time with people, you will find that these denominators—and perhaps a few that I’ve missed—are what bind us together as humans. We are all essentially seeking the same things in life; we’re just going about it in different ways.

Once you realize that the person next to you or across from you is just like you, you can begin to have the same empathy for them that you hope people have for you. Although your physical appearance is different from each other, deep down, your desires are the same.

Seeing people as you see yourself can change your perspective on almost every interaction with another person. If you let it, they will feel it. You will begin to exude natural warmth because you’ll start treating other people how you want to be treated.

When you begin to focus on the common denominators, they will become amplified, and you will transition from an individual mindset to a collective mindset. You will begin to behave in a way that’s not just good for you but also good for everyone.

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What does the ideal occupation look like?

What does the ideal person look like?

What does the ideal relationship look like?

The ideal of anything is a fiction created in a moment.

It’s when your mind allows all the best qualities it can imagine to come together and form an ideal of an object, person, or situation. The problem is that your mind cannot distinguish the difference between imagination and reality, so when it conjures up the image of the ideal, it does so in a space where little else exists.

In fact, even one dictionary definition of ideal is “existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.”

How often have you tried to pursue an ideal image in an area of your life?

What did you learn?

I’m not attempting to dissuade you from pursuing your dreams or goals, nor am I suggesting a version of an ideal isn’t possible. What I am saying is that there will always be a difference between your imagination and reality, and the degrees of differences will depend on a case-by-case basis.

For instance, if you imagine an ideal inanimate object, the odds of creating it are much higher because you are manipulating molecules to meet certain specifications. But if you try to do the same thing with a person or situation, the likelihood that you will succeed is very slim.

In most cases, pursuing an ideal version of anything can be considered a fool’s errand, especially if you compare your real life to your idealized life.

And imagine if you could create a reality where all your ideals came true. It might sound good for a moment, but do you remember what happened in the fable of King Midas?

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Where are your scars?

If you’ve lived at all, you will accumulate scars. And each scar will have a story.

Scars are the consequences of emotional and physical wounds. 

Some scars, products of accidents and procedures, will be visible and easy to explain.

Other scars will be invisible, caused by emotional experiences and complicated relationships.

Wounds caused by physical encounters will often heal quite rapidly because nature has a wonderful way of doing her work if you let her.

However, emotional wounds will not scar unless you let them.

You might choose to leave them open a little longer so that they remind you of your experience. Maybe you never want to forget the joy or pain you went through, so you let the wound stay open just a little longer before it scars.

And yes, joy can cause emotional scarring, too. Many a broken heart is the result of such intense joy and pleasure that leave a vacuum for pain to fill when they’re gone.

Life is an emotional battlefield, and the likelihood that you will go through it unscathed is very slim. Your scars will serve as emotional braille. Read them to remember your experiences, both good and bad.

Ultimately, your accumulation of emotional and physical scars will be your reminder that you were here and took all that life had to offer.

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How’s your relationship?

With yourself?

Is it good?

Do you enjoy being you?

If not all the time, then at least most of the time?

Are you kind to yourself when you make mistakes?

Do you practice self-forgiveness?

Do you love yourself regardless of what happens in your life?

If you can’t fully accept, forgive, and love who you are, how will you allow others to do so?

Practicing compassion and love for yourself doesn’t mean you stop striving to improve yourself—if that’s important to you—but it does mean accepting the current version in its full form.

Almost everyone has experienced the voice of their inner tormenter just waiting to put them down and taunt them when they make a mistake. For some, the voices are so loud and consistent that it paralyzes them from attempting anything.

Self-love doesn’t eliminate the voice, doubt, fear, or any other such emotion, but it does help you work through them. It provides you with a warm protective blanket, a security that regardless of what happens, you will always love yourself.

Building a strong, loving relationship with yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and, ultimately, for those around you. It does take practice, and you might have to remind yourself just how important you are to you. But once you get into the habit of doing so, you will experience a noticeable shift in your life and how you view others, too.

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Do you know that you’re contagious even though you might be feeling fine?

Yes, your energy is contagious.

You can change people’s feelings and moods just by your presence.

Energy is constantly emanating from your body, and people can feel it.

You’ve probably experienced someone asking if you’re okay without you saying anything. That’s because they can feel your energy, also commonly known as your vibe, which is short for vibration.

You can learn to control your energy so that people enjoy being around you. This doesn’t mean you should fake it because people will sense that, too.

Controlling your energy starts with your mind. Your ability to be present in moments without carrying too much baggage from the past and not living too far into the future allows you to create calm energy in the present.

You can then use your calmness as a foundation for admiration, enthusiasm, love, or any other emotion you want to feel in that moment. That’s the energy and vibration that people will experience and feel.

So remember that you’re always radiating energy, and since you’re going to be contagious, why not be the kind of contagious people enjoy catching?

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What is a word?

A word is nothing by itself.

A word is whatever meaning you give to it.

When you were born, you had no concept of words. You were taught to give meaning to words.

What if you were taught incorrectly?

Words are used to give meaning to things so that we can neatly categorize them in our minds. Take something simple like the word tree. Apparently, there are over 60,000 different kinds of trees, but when you see a tree, you just say or think tree and move on because it’s easier to think this way.

This might be okay for objects, but what about words that evoke emotions?

Take the word fair.

If I say, ‘She’s so fair,’ and if you have no idea who I’m talking about, what thought comes to mind?

Does she have a lighter skin tone or a just disposition?

Your answer will depend on the context. Yes, the context for how I use the phrase is important, but so is how you see the world.

Giving too much or too little weight to people’s words will dictate how you feel about them and yourself.

Ultimately, you get to decide how important words are and how much power you give them. Don’t forget that every word you say and hear was made up by someone at some point in time so they could categorize their own personal situation in their mind.

A word meant nothing until someone said it did.

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When was the last time you gave or received a real, genuine hug?

A real hug can be a magical experience.

It can be a reminder that you are not alone.

It can be a simple gesture of support.

It can convey so much in such a short moment. 

The interesting thing about hugs is that they are a universal symbol of affection.

Unfortunately, there have been studies done where babies who were left alone without human touch suffered severe health consequences.

And, after all, aren’t we all just grown-up babies?

Research has been done showing that hugging can help reduce stress and might actually increase heart health.

Now, this doesn’t give you license to become an out-of-control hugger. There are people who, for whatever reason, don’t enjoy or welcome being hugged, and that’s okay, too.

If you use your judgment, you’ll soon learn who appreciates a good hug and who doesn’t.

You’ve been given this magical power of the hug. Hopefully, you’ll get the opportunity to use it often to improve the lives of others and your own. After all, it’s really hard to give a hug and not get hugged back.

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How does it feel to be almost anonymous?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

The vast majority of people that have ever lived have lived in relative anonymity.

Even with all the talk about the internet making the world a much smaller place and the ability to have a global presence, which is all true to a certain extent, most people will live in obscurity.

With an estimated global population of about 8 billion people, you represent 0.0000000125% of the worldwide population. And just so you don’t feel alone, you should know that you and I together represent 0.000000025%. As you can see, that’s a lot of zeros before we’re even close to being a whole number.

So, that means most people in the world will never know that you existed. But there are a handful of people that will, and for some of them, you are their world.

You are, and always will be, the most important person they might ever encounter.

You will be the one, the 100% to them.

Although Shakespeare so eloquently wrote, “All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players;They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts…etc.” He didn’t define the size of the world or the stage.

Your performance on your world and stage is with those closest to you. The ones you interact with daily. The ones whose lives you’ll be able to change and influence forever. The ones you’ll never be anonymous for.

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How long will it take to get there?

This is a common question when planning travel and even during a trip.

And the answer is usually in the form of, well, under current conditions.

Regardless of how reasonable the estimates of time might be before the trip, they will change based on the trip’s length and the day’s conditions.

A short trip is obviously more predictable because fewer factors are involved, and if you’ve taken the trip before, then prior knowledge can also benefit you.

However, long journeys to unknown places are unpredictable, and that’s when you start relying on estimates of current conditions and hoping they continue.

Life is also a long journey to an unknown place with constantly changing conditions. When you set out to work on a goal, it’s just like taking that long trip. All your estimates will be based on current conditions and what you know; however, the larger the goal, the more unpredictable the conditions will be.

This should not dissuade you from attempting to work towards significant goals. However, when you encounter situations you didn’t or couldn’t predict, remind yourself that you’re stepping out into unfamiliar territory and unknown conditions.

Everyone sets out under current conditions. Some get to where they’re going sooner or later than others. Others give up and turn back.

 If your goal is important and meaningful to you, then you’ll appreciate the current conditions and find a way to work through the guaranteed unknown conditions that lie ahead.

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