Raj Daniels

What kind of failure will you choose?

I know it might sound like a strange question because most people don’t actively seek out failure. They avoid it at all costs.

But when it comes to failure, you have two choices. You can fail by trying but also by not trying.

Which one will you choose?

The bad news about failure is that it is unavoidable. But the good news is that it’s not permanent. When it happens to you, it might seem permanent in the moment, but with time, you’ll come to realize failure is only an impediment on the path you’re on, and there are many other paths.

Yes, there are obvious concerns that are inherent to failure by trying. There are financial risks; at times, there might even be physical risks, and of course, the one that prevents most people from trying is the reputational risk.

What will people think of me if I fail?

Of course, what’s more, important is what you think of yourself if, or more likely, when you fail.

While all the risks I mentioned are valid, there is, in my opinion, even greater risk in not trying. And that is regret.

Regret isn’t a feeling that you grasp until much later in life. And it’s because of its elusive nature that you don’t realize its weight on your psyche and soul until it’s too late.

If you spend time speaking with individuals that are in the twilight years of their lives, you’ll often hear them listing regrets about things they wished they had done. And among the regrets they have, taking more risks is regularly at the top of the list, but they were afraid they would fail. And so, they chose not to try.

So, as you go through your life, you’ll hopefully take a bias towards failure by trying. And the more you do so, the more you’ll become immune to the failures you’ll experience as you mature. And when you’re in your twilight years, you won’t be burdened by regret because you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you chose to try.

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When will you choose to break free from the curse of the familiar?

What’s the curse of the familiar?

It’s what keeps you keeps you stuck where you are?

Now, not all things familiar to you are bad or should be left behind, but on occasion, and if you want to progress or create change in your life, you must be willing to leave the familiar behind.

One of the problems with the familiar is that you have sunk costs associated with it. You’ve already invested time and, in some cases, money, so you feel obligated to stay. But staying will not allow you to recoup the time and occasionally not even the money you’ve invested.

Familiarity also breeds complacency. You begin to lose the appreciation for what you have because you get used to or become numb to your current surrounding and situation.

Familiarity does have its upsides. You know what to do, where to go, and almost always, what to expect. You can let your guard down and relax because you know you’re in a safe space. But life isn’t just about existing in a safe space.

Life is about growth, exploration, and depending on your tolerance, even adventure. And you can’t experience any one of these if you’re not willing to step out of the familiar.

Look, I know leaving the familiar can be scary and sometimes even have real risks associated with it, but it’s what you were designed to do. It’s in your DNA.

So, while surrounding yourself with the familiar might bring you comfort, it will not allow you to grow. For change or growth, you’ll have to break free from the curse of the familiar and step into the realm of the unknown. But don’t worry, once you’ve spent enough time in the unknown, even that will become familiar to you. And then you’ll get to decide all over again.

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What will you learn today?

Or, said differently. What will you intentionally learn today?

It’s easy to go through a day or week and learn things by accident, but intentional learning requires a plan.

Why is it essential to have a plan of continuous learning?

Continuous learning is crucial because you are not going to get very far in life based on what you already know. Sooner or later, you’re going to come to the end of your competence, and then you’ll be stuck where you are.

There’s a difference between getting older and advancing in life. Getting older doesn’t require you to learn anything new. Nature will take care of aging for you. However, advancing yourself takes effort on your behalf. It requires you to take an active role in investing time and energy in learning.

If the idea of daily learning isn’t for you or other obligations constrain you, then weekly, or worse case, even learning on a monthly cadence can do wonders for your life.

Just don’t leave learning to chance. Think of learning by chance, like finding food in a dumpster. Yes, that’s one way to survive, but not ideal.

Fortunately for you, there are now endless resources for learning, unlike just a few decades ago when most of the world’s information was trapped in books. And if you didn’t have access to the books, then your opportunity to learn was limited.

So, commit today to become a lifelong learner. And not a learner that leaves learning to chance. But a learner that has a plan that suits the cadence of your life. Don’t just become an older version of your current self. Use your ability and capacity to learn to become a wiser, more knowledgeable, and informed version of yourself.

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How often do you ask yourself, why is this important?

It’s a great question, especially if you find yourself overwhelmed with choices, tasks, or things to do.

Often what you think is important is based on a story that you’ve created in your mind. Deadlines and other types of commitments might be important, but even then, they might be more about how you feel about yourself versus the actual task.

Evaluating why you think tasks or things are important to you allows you to create your life and spend your energy in ways that are beneficial for you. It also allows you to drop or deprioritize the unimportant.

Deciding what’s important to you can sometimes be painful for you and, at times, for other people in your life. It can be painful for you because you might have to let go of things that you’ve been spending energy on only to realize that you were never really committed to them, or changing your mind might seem like a personal failure.

When it comes to others, well, no one wants to be or likes to be deprioritized, so there’s a chance you’ll deal with some emotional blowback as you prioritize your own life.

The wonderful thing about the question is that the answers can change. As you go through life, the level of importance you give to ideas or tasks can wax and wane. So, you’re continuously adjusting your sails to suit the winds of change.

Ultimately, asking yourself why certain things are important to you to is the most effective way for you to stay on top of your priorities. And the best reason to stick to your priorities is so that you can create the life you want to live.

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What’s the problem with certainty?

While being sure of something might sound good in the moment because you feel confident about a belief or idea, it can also be limiting.

The problem of always being certain is that it limits the room for growth or further understanding. This applies not only to ideas about circumstances or situations but also to other people. If being certain is beginning to sound like a fixed mindset, it’s because it is.

Why does being certain feel good?

Because it removes ambiguity and doubt.

It gives you the feeling of footing on solid ground. But sometimes, that solid ground might be a mirage, and you could just be mired in quicksand.

One way to avoid the trap of certainty is by allowing yourself to view an idea from multiple perspectives. This, of course, requires you to have a degree of openness to different or new beliefs. Doing so can be difficult, especially if you’re so rooted in your identity that you’ve left no room for change.

You see, to adopt a new belief or idea, you must admit you might have been mistaken and leave behind a part of you as you adopt a new point of view. This can be a painful process. But it can also be liberating.

Now, to be clear. I’m not suggesting you never be certain and continuously waver between beliefs and ideas. What I am recommending is that you be open to changing your mind. Perhaps the economist John Maynard Keynes said most succinctly, “When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do?”

So, the next time you find yourself challenged with a new belief or idea that threatens your certainty, take a step back and introspect on why you’re so sure of your position. Open yourself up to the possibility your thinking might be mistaken or outdated. Step away from the confines of your certainty and allow yourself to grow.

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What do you intend to do today?

What will you do?

Where’s the gap?

You’ve probably heard the idiom -the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while hell in this context might not be a fiery destination ruled by demon, it represents a place aka, the gap, where your dreams go to die.

There’s a significant difference between thinking about doing the right things and doing the right things.

Before I continue, let me clarify that I’m not passing judgment on what the right things are, that’s entirely up to your own discretion.

Staying in alignment with what you want to do, the right things for you, versus what you do, can be challenging, especially in this day of infinite distractions. Culling or avoiding the constant tug on your time and attention is crucial if you want to accomplish the things you set out to do.

But how do you avoid the distractions? By drawing hard and fast boundaries around your intentions. And by being realistic in with your intentions.

Do not burden yourself by overcommitting to what you want to achieve, especially if you know that you’ll have other obligations that will suffer or compete for your time. Because if you do, then very quickly you’ll begin to slip on your commitments, and then you’ll be on the road to, well, you know where.

Identify one or two intentions for your day that you know if executed well or pursued long enough will move the needle for your life in a significant way and then give them relentless focus. Make a habit of doing this, and soon enough, you’ll begin to witness your intentions becoming your reality.

So, crystalize in your mind what you intend to do today. Protect yourself from distractions and pursue your intentions. Avoid the road to hell and keep your dreams alive by staying on track and doing the right things.

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What are your natural gifts and talents?

If you’ve never considered or thought about your natural gifts or talents, then now might be a good time to do so.

While there are many skills you can learn, some will come easier to you than others. This is because due to your unique genetic makeup, you have innate strengths and weaknesses.

One of the keys to living a good life is your ability to tap into your strengths early on in life. This will be challenging at first because the industrialized education system and, to some degree, the social system sets an expectation that you should excel in every subject. And unfortunately, for some time, you will have to endure the discomfort of not being able to only focus on your strengths and will have to work on your weaknesses.

If you’re fortunate, then you’ll discover your natural gifts and talents at a young age, or someone will see them in you and point you in a direction that builds upon them. But, if you haven’t been so lucky, then not to worry, it’s not too late.

If you’re unsure what your gifts or talents might be, then one way to discover them is to think about things that you’re naturally good at or come easily to you. Not easy in the sense of no effort, but in a way, you don’t mind putting in the effort. For example, a musician might be naturally gifted but willing to spend hours practicing because she enjoys the work.

The good news is that everyone has specific gifts and talents, and while yours might seem similar to others, they can still be unique in the way you wield them.

So, spend some time today thinking about your unique gifts and talents. Look back through your life and begin to connect the dots between activities that energized you and where you excelled versus those when you didn’t.  Tap into and build on your natural gifts and talents to become the best version of you.

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How often do you find yourself trying to control every aspect of your life?

Even though at an intellectual level, you probably know that so much of what you encounter daily is out of your control. From inbound requests for your time and attention to unexpected illnesses and interruptions, all beyond your direct influence.

However, through the barrage of incoming, you still attempt to control as much as possible because if you don’t, you begin to feel irresponsible or neglectful. And when things begin to fall through the cracks, and you lose control, you experience anxiety and frustration.

It’s easy to let the feelings of anxiety and frustration overwhelm you because you feel as though only you’re responsible for all that happens in your life. But you don’t have to feel that way.

You can choose to let things go.

Letting go is not about abdicating responsibility or ignoring issues. It’s about trust. It’s about knowing that you’ll make the best decisions and take the appropriate actions as often as possible, but you don’t always have the ability to control the outcomes.

If letting go sounds like surrender, it is, but it’s an active, not passive surrender.

Letting go is about taking control of how you feel about what happens to you.

Letting go is about being a peace with yourself.

So, the next time you find yourself grappling with every aspect of your life and struggling to stay in control, try letting go instead. It might be hard at first but shift your thinking from attempting to control your external environment to control your inner self. Experience the sensation of peace and freedom of letting go.

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How does it feel to live with your harshest critic?

You know the one I’m talking about.

It’s the one that lives in your head, your inner voice.

The little voice in your head makes you feel as though you’re not good enough or don’t have the ability or talent to attempt the things you’re thinking about doing.

Entirely escaping your harshest critic is nearly impossible because it’ll always be there to remind you about that one time you tried and failed or that you’ll never be as good as so and so. Then there’s also the who do you think you are question that it uses as an ace in the hole when no other tactics are working.

But what could you accomplish if you could free yourself from your harshest critic?

Quieting or going against the voice in your head is no easy task but is almost a requirement if you want to achieve anything worthwhile in your life. And yes, I understand and agree that the idea of worthwhile is a subjective point of view.

How do you quiet or ignore your harshest critic?

This is a difficult question to answer because, on the one hand, you feel as though you’re going against your better judgment; you’re taking a risk and putting yourself potentially in harm’s way. And this might be true in certain circumstances. But what are the risks, and can they be mitigated, or can you live with them?

When it comes specifically to risk, you should evaluate what would happen if and how you would feel if you didn’t move forward. Oh, and just to let you know, your inner critic will always only show you the dark side of what would happen if.

So, the next time you’re thinking about attempting something new or different, and you hear your harshest critic telling you all the reasons you shouldn’t, hear it out. Once it’s done talking, then it’s your job to decide whether you’re going to hold yourself back because you believe everything it said or move forward and pursue the things you want to accomplish.

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How can you avoid being judged by others?

It’s a trick question. You can’t.

There’s no avoiding being judged by other people. It’s what people do. If you’re honest with yourself, then you’ll admit that you do it too.

Some people will express their judgment of you openly, while others will be more subtle about it. Occasionally people will judge you with malice, and even from a competitive viewpoint, and at other times, they will judge you with curiosity.

The judgment stems from humans constantly sizing up and comparing themselves to each other.

Since you can’t avoid being judged by others, then the next question is, how will you let the judgment of others determine how you live your life?

Now it would be easy for me to suggest you ignore the judgment of others and just move on, but that’s easier said than done.

So, let me ask you this instead.

How often do you think people are judging you? What I mean by this is, are people actively voicing their judgement of you, or are you interpreting their looks and language as judgement?

I ask because quite often, we, yes, we, are experts at judging ourselves. And we’re also very good at making up stories about other people’s views of us. So, while they might not be judging us, we think they are. In this case, instead of assuming that you’re being judged, wait until a comment or question validates your assumption.

When someone does vocalize their judgment of you, you have a choice. You don’t have to accept it as the truth. It is, after all, their point of view about you. You can always choose to ignore it or think about it and then decide whether their judgment is valid.

So, now that you know that people will always judge you, you have a decision to make. You can live in the shadow of judgment from others, or you can step out into the light and live your life because you know you’ll be judged if you don’t or judged if you do. So, you might as well do.

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Who will you become?

You will become the person you think or believe you are.

But there’s also an opportunity for you to become the person you pretend to be.

If this sounds a lot like, ‘fake it til you make it,’ then you’re spot on.

Before you pooh pooh the idea of fake it until you make it, know that history is full of stories about individuals that went beyond their station in life because they acted as if they could.

Now obviously, neither you nor I want a surgeon operating on us that’s faking it or a pilot flying a plane filled with passengers that’s not up to the task. But that’s not what I’m suggesting you do.

What I’m suggesting is that when you feel as though you’re not up to a particular role or task, you prime yourself to believe that you are. One of the best techniques for this is to ask yourself, how would you behave or act if you could accomplish the task?

While the idea of acting as if you are ready is not a magic wand that delivers instant results, it is a gateway for an opportunity. An opportunity for you to act, an opportunity for you to physically engage in becoming the person capable of the role or accomplishing the task.

Pretending to be the person you want to be is all about building your confidence, and when you feel more confident, you’ll likely be more willing to work on your competence.

So, the next time you find yourself faced with an opportunity and you find yourself unsure of your ability to take advantage of it, ask yourself, what kind of person do you need to be to do so? And once you’ve defined the character traits, then begin to act accordingly. Do so knowing that while acting as if will not guarantee immediate results, you’ll move away from the person who can’t and closer to the person who can.

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What are your non-negotiables?

If you’re wondering what a non-negotiable is, then let me help you. A non-negotiable is a thing that you’re committed to without compromise. Obviously, there’s always room for extenuating circumstances, but let that be the exception and not the rule.

When you commit to a non-negotiable, you’re essentially saying to yourself and the world that you’re going to do a thing no matter how you feel because you know that thing is important to you. And you’re also saying that you will not tolerate or participate in words or deeds that do not align with your non-negotiables. If non-negotiables sound like boundaries, it’s because they are.

Examples of non-negotiables are:

You will not say anything about another person that you wouldn’t say directly to them.

You will always prioritize your health.

You will always put family first.

The reason for drawing hard lines in the sand for yourself is that they keep you aligned with your values and eliminate the need for decision-making. You’re not wasting energy asking yourself, should I or shouldn’t I? because your non-negotiable is the rule you live by.

Of course, non-negotiables are not a requirement for living, but they can make your life a little easier. Think of them as mini autopilots that you can use to drive your life in a specific direction and, while you might need to occasionally course correct. They do most of the work for you.

So, ask yourself, what are going to be your non-negotiables? What areas of your life are you no longer going to leave to chance? Establish boundaries for yourself that align with your beliefs and values and set your life on a course to become the person you want to be.

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What do your goals want from you?

This might sound like a strange question because, after all, your goals are a construct from your imagination.

But, once you set or create a goal for yourself, then your goal requires you to change, to be different.

Your goals need you to be the person, or better said, to become the person you need to be to achieve them.

The message you give yourself when you set a goal is, it’s time to change. It’s time for a new, different version of you. And it’s this new version of you that your goal wants or needs from you.

Before I continue, let me clarify something about goals. Goals do not need to be lofty ideals set way in the future. They can be simple, incremental waypoints that you set for yourself to improve any area of your life that’s important to you.

The reason you set a goal is that you’re dissatisfied or discontented in a particular area of your life. Or, you know you can be better or do more. Said another way, you know you have the capacity to change, to be different. And that’s what your goal wants from you.

So, then next time you set a goal for yourself, ask what kind of person your goal needs you to be. And then work towards becoming that person. When you do so, not only will you find yourself moving closer to your goal, but you’ll also see your goal moving closer towards you.

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What’s the most challenging step in making a change in your life?

If you answered, not making the same decision you made before, then you’re correct.

The answer sounds so simple and perhaps even logical, but in practice, it’s so challenging.

You see, when you make a new or different decision, you introduce complexity and uncertainty into your life. And your body and brain don’t enjoy either one. They like the status quo because it allows them to conserve energy and remain on their own version of autopilot.

Your brain and body begin to conspire against your new or different decision. Your brain starts generating what-if scenarios so that you start to second guess yourself. And your body, well, if you’ve ever experienced the sensation of butterflies in your midsection, that’s your body’s way of telling you’re doing something different.

The question is, do you give into your brain and body, or will you show them who’s in control and that they work for you?

Before I go on, let me be clear. Your brain and your body are not your enemies. While they are trying to conserve energy, they’re also trying to keep you alive. So, I’m not suggesting or recommending that you ignore their messages and warnings. I am proposing that if you’re making a decision that’s not putting you in harm’s way, then learn to override the messages your brain and body are sending you.

So, the next time you find yourself in a position to make a change in your life, recognize that the uncomfortable feeling you’re experiencing is your brain and body doing their job. And it’s your job to put them at ease and proceed with the change. You and they will soon realize that the uncomfortable feeling is only temporary, and the change might be good for all of you.

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Where is your locus of control?

Before you answer, first, let’s clarify what a locus of control is.

“Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces (beyond their influence), have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” Wikipedia

Now, back to my original question.

Do you believe that you have an internal locus of control, where you believe you have control over events that influence your life, or do you believe you have no control and are the victim of outside forces?

I ask about your belief about your locus of control because your belief will determine how you navigate life.

If you believe that you do not have any control over your life, then you’ll act accordingly. You’ll be less motivated to take action, and when you do, you’ll do so with doubt and hesitation lurking over your shoulder because internally, you’ll feel as though no matter what you do, you won’t make a difference.

However, if you have an internal locus of control, you’ll have a bias for action because you believe that you can make a difference in your life.

Now granted, there will be times, especially as a child, when you’ll feel as though your life is dependent on outside forces, such as parents, teachers, and other people with authority over your life. But as you move through adolescence into adulthood, you have the opportunity to develop your own belief about your locus of control. And yes, there are always exceptions when events and outcomes are genuinely out of your control.

While I don’t want to be judgmental about your belief about your own locus of control, I will share that, in my opinion, you will live a more fulfilled life if you live with an internal locus of control. And while it might take some practice to do, it’s well worth the effort.

So, then next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re forced to decide between taking ownership of your life or abdicating it to outside forces, I hope you’ll look inside yourself and opt for an internal locus of control.

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How can you leverage the Pygmalion effect to improve your life?

If you’re not familiar with the Pygmalion effect, then here’s the definition to help you.

The Pygmalion effect, also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy, is a psychological phenomenon wherein high expectations lead to improved performance in a given area.

While this definition is focused on the expectations of others, it also applies to you.

What is your self-fulfilling prophecy?

Oh, wait.

Are you aware that you have one?

Well, self-fulfilling might be a little bit of a stretch, but it’s very close to being true. You see, your self-fulfilling prophecy is rooted in your expectations for yourself. And your expectations are tied to your beliefs about you and the future.

When you have certain beliefs about yourself and your future, you will act accordingly, and then when you experience the results of your actions, you solidify or reinforce your beliefs.

This can be either a vicious or virtuous circle.

You are building your entire life based on the foundations of your beliefs. And while there might be some exceptions to the rule, most of the limitations you’ll experience in your life are the ones you’ve convinced yourself you have.

So how can you create a virtuous self-fulfilling prophecy?

Examine your belief system. Find the beliefs that you might have adopted or learned and begin to change or replace them with beliefs that empower you to expect more from yourself.

Yes. Easier said than done. But if you want to improve your life, you must work at doing so.

So, the next time you find yourself butting up against what you consider a limitation in your life, if you choose to, revisit your belief about the constraint. Leverage the Pygmalion effect to set new expectations for yourself, and then take steps to live up to them.

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When you meet someone new, what’s the first thing you notice?

Their clothes?

Their shoes?

Their eyes?

The thing you notice reveals more about you than them.

Your judgment of a person’s appearance is based on your own personal biases. And it’s rooted in what you think is important.

For example, what will you think if you meet someone who has rumpled or disheveled clothing?

If you’re a frequent traveler or a new parent, you might give them more leeway because you know that there have been times when you, too, have been unable to look your best due to unavoidable circumstances.

Judging people based on their appearance is a learned behavior that is one of the causes of thinking of them as others. And it’s not entirely your fault that you judge or have preconceived notions about people before you get to know them.

Media and the way you were raised are significant contributors to how you view other people. You’ve been taught and, in some cases, manipulated to think a certain way.

Oh, and this applies to how you view yourself too.

When you feel as though you must look or dress a certain way to be accepted, it’s because you’re judging yourself based on the teaching of media and how you were raised.

Judging people by the way they look or dress might be acceptable as a child or adolescent. Still, hopefully, as you mature as an adult, you’ll be able to discard some of the ideas you were taught about judging others based on their appearance.

So, the next time you meet someone new, instead of focusing on what they’re wearing or how they look, think of them as another version of you, another human being. Put aside your biases and judgments and treat them the way you wish to be treated. If you’re lucky, they might do the same for you too.

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How will you deal with dream-killing questions?

What is a dream-killing question?

Here are a few examples?

How will you make money doing that?

What makes you think you can do that?

And one that sows the most doubt in an individual.

Who do you think you are?

Granted, there might be people in your life that are genuinely concerned for your well-being and don’t want to see you struggle financially or emotionally, and so, with good intentions, ask you some form of the questions I’ve listed.

Then, there are those individuals that project their own fears and, in some cases, failures onto you. They’re not the ones scared for you. They’re the ones that attempted to follow their dream, quit, or failed, and their own wounds haven’t healed yet.

Lastly, and maybe even the most dangerous dream killers are the people that are afraid of your success. The ones who don’t want to be left behind, and so they attempt to sabotage your dreams by convincing you to play small and stay within your limits.

While the list of people I’ve described is not exhaustive, you’ll find that most people will fall into one of the three categories.

So, what are you do about your dreams?

Well, they’re your dreams, your babies, and just like any good parent, you need to protect and nurture them. You need to hold them close to your chest and only share them with people you trust to help you raise them and bring them to fruition. And on occasion, if you feel that someone you trust is attempting to hold you back or sabotage your dreams, you need to make what can be, at times, a difficult decision to no longer share your dreams with that person.

So, the next time you’re asked a dream-killing question, seek to understand the person’s motivation. If you feel that it’s out of genuine concern for your well-being, then appreciate the persons’ intention, proceed with caution if needed, and continue towards your dream. But if you encounter the other dream killers I described, then, in the kindest way possible, remove or limit your interactions with them. Because if you don’t, you’ll find that the more time you spend around them, the faster your dreams will slip away from you.

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How does it feel to struggle with separation anxiety?

Before you answer – let me clarify.

I know that separation anxiety is usually associated with infants and toddlers as they transition from being at home to starting school or any other unfamiliar environment. But adults also struggle with separation anxiety.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not making light of those individuals who have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and need professional help or medication to help them deal with it.

You’ll find separation anxiety in adults manifests itself in different ways.

First, there are those individuals that always need to be in a familiar environment. The problem with this is that they limit their lives. They don’t explore or go beyond a certain territory because they fear the unknown.

Next, there are those that fear being alone. So, they spend untold amounts of energy always trying to be around other people, and in doing so, they never quite get a grasp of who they are.

Last, and perhaps the most insidious, are those individuals not willing to part with their who they are to become the person they want to be. The fear or anxiety of acting or behaving out of step with their current self or in line with the expectations that others have of them keeps them trapped in their current state.

So, if you find yourself struggling with any of the manifestations of separation anxiety that I mentioned, know that you can work your way through it. It will take time and effort to do so, but you’ll also experience a sense of freedom once you begin to separate from and shed your old ways of being for the new you. I know it’s cliched but think for a moment what a caterpillar must go through to become a butterfly.

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