Raj Daniels

Where is your locus of control?

Before you answer, first, let’s clarify what a locus of control is.

“Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces (beyond their influence), have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” Wikipedia

Now, back to my original question.

Do you believe that you have an internal locus of control, where you believe you have control over events that influence your life, or do you believe you have no control and are the victim of outside forces?

I ask about your belief about your locus of control because your belief will determine how you navigate life.

If you believe that you do not have any control over your life, then you’ll act accordingly. You’ll be less motivated to take action, and when you do, you’ll do so with doubt and hesitation lurking over your shoulder because internally, you’ll feel as though no matter what you do, you won’t make a difference.

However, if you have an internal locus of control, you’ll have a bias for action because you believe that you can make a difference in your life.

Now granted, there will be times, especially as a child, when you’ll feel as though your life is dependent on outside forces, such as parents, teachers, and other people with authority over your life. But as you move through adolescence into adulthood, you have the opportunity to develop your own belief about your locus of control. And yes, there are always exceptions when events and outcomes are genuinely out of your control.

While I don’t want to be judgmental about your belief about your own locus of control, I will share that, in my opinion, you will live a more fulfilled life if you live with an internal locus of control. And while it might take some practice to do, it’s well worth the effort.

So, then next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re forced to decide between taking ownership of your life or abdicating it to outside forces, I hope you’ll look inside yourself and opt for an internal locus of control.

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How can you leverage the Pygmalion effect to improve your life?

If you’re not familiar with the Pygmalion effect, then here’s the definition to help you.

The Pygmalion effect, also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy, is a psychological phenomenon wherein high expectations lead to improved performance in a given area.

While this definition is focused on the expectations of others, it also applies to you.

What is your self-fulfilling prophecy?

Oh, wait.

Are you aware that you have one?

Well, self-fulfilling might be a little bit of a stretch, but it’s very close to being true. You see, your self-fulfilling prophecy is rooted in your expectations for yourself. And your expectations are tied to your beliefs about you and the future.

When you have certain beliefs about yourself and your future, you will act accordingly, and then when you experience the results of your actions, you solidify or reinforce your beliefs.

This can be either a vicious or virtuous circle.

You are building your entire life based on the foundations of your beliefs. And while there might be some exceptions to the rule, most of the limitations you’ll experience in your life are the ones you’ve convinced yourself you have.

So how can you create a virtuous self-fulfilling prophecy?

Examine your belief system. Find the beliefs that you might have adopted or learned and begin to change or replace them with beliefs that empower you to expect more from yourself.

Yes. Easier said than done. But if you want to improve your life, you must work at doing so.

So, the next time you find yourself butting up against what you consider a limitation in your life, if you choose to, revisit your belief about the constraint. Leverage the Pygmalion effect to set new expectations for yourself, and then take steps to live up to them.

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When you meet someone new, what’s the first thing you notice?

Their clothes?

Their shoes?

Their eyes?

The thing you notice reveals more about you than them.

Your judgment of a person’s appearance is based on your own personal biases. And it’s rooted in what you think is important.

For example, what will you think if you meet someone who has rumpled or disheveled clothing?

If you’re a frequent traveler or a new parent, you might give them more leeway because you know that there have been times when you, too, have been unable to look your best due to unavoidable circumstances.

Judging people based on their appearance is a learned behavior that is one of the causes of thinking of them as others. And it’s not entirely your fault that you judge or have preconceived notions about people before you get to know them.

Media and the way you were raised are significant contributors to how you view other people. You’ve been taught and, in some cases, manipulated to think a certain way.

Oh, and this applies to how you view yourself too.

When you feel as though you must look or dress a certain way to be accepted, it’s because you’re judging yourself based on the teaching of media and how you were raised.

Judging people by the way they look or dress might be acceptable as a child or adolescent. Still, hopefully, as you mature as an adult, you’ll be able to discard some of the ideas you were taught about judging others based on their appearance.

So, the next time you meet someone new, instead of focusing on what they’re wearing or how they look, think of them as another version of you, another human being. Put aside your biases and judgments and treat them the way you wish to be treated. If you’re lucky, they might do the same for you too.

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How will you deal with dream-killing questions?

What is a dream-killing question?

Here are a few examples?

How will you make money doing that?

What makes you think you can do that?

And one that sows the most doubt in an individual.

Who do you think you are?

Granted, there might be people in your life that are genuinely concerned for your well-being and don’t want to see you struggle financially or emotionally, and so, with good intentions, ask you some form of the questions I’ve listed.

Then, there are those individuals that project their own fears and, in some cases, failures onto you. They’re not the ones scared for you. They’re the ones that attempted to follow their dream, quit, or failed, and their own wounds haven’t healed yet.

Lastly, and maybe even the most dangerous dream killers are the people that are afraid of your success. The ones who don’t want to be left behind, and so they attempt to sabotage your dreams by convincing you to play small and stay within your limits.

While the list of people I’ve described is not exhaustive, you’ll find that most people will fall into one of the three categories.

So, what are you do about your dreams?

Well, they’re your dreams, your babies, and just like any good parent, you need to protect and nurture them. You need to hold them close to your chest and only share them with people you trust to help you raise them and bring them to fruition. And on occasion, if you feel that someone you trust is attempting to hold you back or sabotage your dreams, you need to make what can be, at times, a difficult decision to no longer share your dreams with that person.

So, the next time you’re asked a dream-killing question, seek to understand the person’s motivation. If you feel that it’s out of genuine concern for your well-being, then appreciate the persons’ intention, proceed with caution if needed, and continue towards your dream. But if you encounter the other dream killers I described, then, in the kindest way possible, remove or limit your interactions with them. Because if you don’t, you’ll find that the more time you spend around them, the faster your dreams will slip away from you.

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How does it feel to struggle with separation anxiety?

Before you answer – let me clarify.

I know that separation anxiety is usually associated with infants and toddlers as they transition from being at home to starting school or any other unfamiliar environment. But adults also struggle with separation anxiety.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not making light of those individuals who have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and need professional help or medication to help them deal with it.

You’ll find separation anxiety in adults manifests itself in different ways.

First, there are those individuals that always need to be in a familiar environment. The problem with this is that they limit their lives. They don’t explore or go beyond a certain territory because they fear the unknown.

Next, there are those that fear being alone. So, they spend untold amounts of energy always trying to be around other people, and in doing so, they never quite get a grasp of who they are.

Last, and perhaps the most insidious, are those individuals not willing to part with their who they are to become the person they want to be. The fear or anxiety of acting or behaving out of step with their current self or in line with the expectations that others have of them keeps them trapped in their current state.

So, if you find yourself struggling with any of the manifestations of separation anxiety that I mentioned, know that you can work your way through it. It will take time and effort to do so, but you’ll also experience a sense of freedom once you begin to separate from and shed your old ways of being for the new you. I know it’s cliched but think for a moment what a caterpillar must go through to become a butterfly.

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What do all successful people have in common?

Well, if you read the title of this piece, then you know the answer is action.

Before I go on, I want to make one thing very clear. I’m using the word success broadly to define achieving a result you personally define and not some pre-determined commercial view of success.

If you observe a person that you consider to be successful, you’ll soon see that they have a bias for action. They’re always thinking about or working towards their goals. Sometimes their actions are imperceptible, but they know that even tiny actions have the power to compound over time. You’ll also see that they act because they know that they will learn only by acting even when they’re afraid.

You see, not only does success follow action, but it is also attracted to action.

But why is success attracted to action?

Because when you act, you generate energy, you propel yourself towards your goals.

Does taking action guarantee success?

The honest answer is no. It doesn’t.

But not taking action guarantees failure to succeed.

So, the next time you’re contemplating a goal or thinking about an area of your life where you’d like to see success, once you’re done thinking, then start acting. Become the person that success is attracted to.

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Why let that stop you?

What is that?

The that is the obstacles or hurdles between you and your goals. And the obstacles are unique to you and what you’re attempting to accomplish.

Now obviously, there are some limitations, whether they are rules, regulations, or the laws of physics, that might prevent you from achieving certain goals. For example, if you’re twenty years old, you’ll not be able to remain in high school because it’s against the regulations. But that shouldn’t prevent you from learning.

When you’re in pursuit of a goal, you only have one job, and that is to overcome or eliminate each obstacle as it arises. And believe me when I say, if you’re pursuing anything worthwhile, you will encounter obstacles.

So, how do you eliminate the obstacles?

Sorry, but I can’t help you with that because, as I said, they are unique to you. But I can recommend a perspective that might help you. The answer lies in the question, why let that stop you? If you guessed it’s the ‘why,’ then you’re correct.

If you can answer the why, then you’re on your way to overcoming that.

So, the next time you bump up against an obstacle on your way towards your goals, remind yourself why you’re pursuing them. You’ll find that if your why is strong and means enough to you, then you won’t let ‘that’ stop you.

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How can you miss something you’ve never had?

Well, apparently, you can, and the phenomenon is called relative deprivation. It’s a close cousin of FOMO (fear of missing out) but not quite the same.

While FOMO is the feeling you have that you’re missing out on the fun that others are having or that others have better lives or experiences than you’re having, relative deprivation is when you feel deprived of a thing or an activity that you may not have even considered.

For example, you might hear a friend or colleague speaking about a luxurious vacation they took and then feel as though your vacations no longer satisfy you. Relative deprivation is rooted in the feeling that other people have things that you don’t, and you begin to think that you too should have them.

If you look carefully, you’ll quickly realize that the culprit of relative deprivation happens when you begin to compare your life to the lives of other people.

So how do you avoid the feeling of relative deprivation?

Well, one way is to isolate yourself from everyone and avoid any interaction with the outside world. But that would be a little extreme.

Realistically speaking, avoiding the feeling of relative deprivation requires you to work on yourself. It requires you to know what you want out of life. Once you know what you want, you’re not as easily lured into comparing what you have with what others have and do because you are confident on your own path.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling as though you’re missing something you never thought you wanted or had, you’ll know that you’re experiencing the phenomenon of relative deprivation. And to cure yourself of this feeling, re-center yourself and remind yourself that your life is about doing and getting what you want, and not in comparing your life to the lives of other people.

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How often do you struggle with akrasia?

While akrasia might sound like a strange rash that needs medical attention, it’s not. Akrasia means to act against one’s better judgment.

So, let me rephrase my original question.

How often do you act against your better judgment?

Why do you continue to do things that you know aren’t good for you?

The answer in many cases is that you’re either seeking pleasure or avoiding pain in the short term. If this sounds like a simplistic explanation, then let’s take a moment to explore it.

Have you ever attempted to eat healthier only to find yourself succumbing to the temptation of foods that you know aren’t good for you?

Have you ever said words out of anger or pain that you’ve later regretted?

Have you ever spent more money than you know you should have?

These are just a few examples of behaving against your best long-term interests.

Now I understand that you’re human, and in being so, you are fallible like all of us. We all, on occasion, act in ways that are future self’s regret. But what if there’s a way to minimize the regret?

Notice I didn’t say eliminate the regret. Because for that, you’d have to be a perfect human, and I’m quite sure that person doesn’t exist.

One way to live a life that aligns you with your best interest is to secure a strong image of the person you want to be. Carving out a strong identity provides you with a template, a guide that you can turn to when faced with situations where you might act against your best interest. For example, if you begin to identify yourself as the person who lives within their means, you mitigate your vulnerability to overspending.

While this might sound simple, we both know that it’s not easy.

Is it worth the effort?

That’s a question only you can answer. But if you ask me, then I would ask you. If you don’t act in your own best interest, then who will?

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What is your raison d’être?

If you’re not familiar with the phrase, then here’s the definition. Raison d’être is a French word that means your reason or justification for existence.

Now I understand that you might not know or have not explored your reason or the justification for your existence, and that’s okay. It can be daunting to think about such a big question. But don’t let that intimidate you.

Searching for or thinking about your reason for existing can be a lifelong journey, and there isn’t always one answer to the question. And the answer can change depending on the stage of life you’re going through. If you ask a teenager and seventy-year-old their reasons for existing, you’ll likely get two very different answers because they have different priorities.

Occasionally, you’ll come across a unique individual who knows their reason for being from a very early age. But this is an exception, not the norm.

Thinking about your raison d’être is more about self-exploration than coming up with concrete answers. It’s about allowing yourself to follow your curiosity and to see what interests you. It’s about casting a wide net.

Finding your reason for existence is not a requirement of life, but it helps give your life direction. And when you have direction, you have meaning because you’re moving towards something.

So, set aside some time today or this week and think about your raison d’être. Let your mind wander and think about what’s interested you in the past or what you’re curious about today. Once you have a few answers, permit yourself to pursue them. And if, after doing so, you don’t find your reason for existence, that’s okay. Maybe our reason for existence is in the exploration and not in the finding.

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What was the last song you had stuck in your head?

If you’re not familiar with the concept of an earworm, then here’s a definition for you. An earworm is a catchy and/or memorable piece of music or saying that continuously occupies a person’s mind even after it is no longer being played or spoken about.

While earworms are almost always related to music, you also have other earworms that, if given the opportunity, can continuously occupy your mind.

Unfortunately, the earworms I’m alluding to aren’t as positive as a catchy song or tune. They’re the earworms where you’re playing back recent arguments or heated discussions that you’ve had. You know the ones where you can’t believe they said that to you. The ones where you’ve felt disrespected, demeaned, and in some cases, even unloved.

Experts, yes, there are experts studying earworms, recommend that one of the best ways to get rid of an earworm is to replace it with another piece of music. The great thing about this technique is that you can also use it to eliminate emotional earworms.

When you ruminate on a conversation that causes you to feel a negative emotion, you’re essentially giving oxygen to it and allowing the earworm to grow stronger in your mind. As the old saying goes, energy goes where attention flows. So, to quiet down or eliminate the negative earworm, you should re-focus your attention on positive or other uplifting conversations you’ve had.

I know, it’s easier said than done, but what’s your other option? Keep playing the negative conversation in your head?

So, the next time you find yourself stuck with a negative earworm playing in your mind, you now have a choice to make. Keep it going and continue reliving the negative conversation or drown it out by replacing it with positive, mood-enhancing thoughts.

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Have you ever played the game? Would you rather?

If yes, then great. If not, then here’s a quick explanation.

It’s a game mostly played by children, and it consists of questions where you must choose between two, usually painful or gross, options. For example, would you rather lick a dirty trash can or the bathroom floor?

It’s a fun game, and there are no winners or losers. Except if you have a vivid imagination and a weak stomach, then you might find yourself grossed out over the idea of having to choose between living in a house with five million cockroaches or a house with five million flies.

But why am I writing about would you rather?

Good question.

You see, you can use the game to assist you with reaching your personal life goals.

Very often, choices in life seem as though they are binary. They are go, no go, do, don’t do, but that’s not always the case. And if you’re the kind of person that struggles with difficult, cut, and dry decisions, then this is good news for you because now you can use, would you rather.

Here are a few examples of how you can use the question.

If it’s health you’re pursuing then, would you rather take a long or short walk? Or would you rather have a piece of cake or a bite of cake?

If you’re pursuing financial goals, then would you rather save a dime or a dollar?

If it’s a mindfulness goal, then would you rather meditate for five or thirty minutes?

It’s almost as if the question is a win-win for you.

Of course, using the question might take you longer to accomplish your goals, but at least you’ll be consistent in your actions, which means you’ll always be moving towards them.

So, the next time you find yourself debating between two opposing choices that lead you towards or away from your goals, reframe your perspective to consider more or less of a positive action. Use the would you rather question to manipulate your thinking and to keep you on track.

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When was the last time you conducted a pre-mortem on any area of your life?

If you’re not sure what a pre-mortem is, then let me help you.

Here’s the best definition I’ve found for a pre-mortem. “A pre-mortem, or premortem, is a managerial strategy in which a project team imagines that a project or organization has failed, and then works backward to determine what potentially could lead to the failure of the project or organization.” (Wikipedia)

Now you might be wondering why I’m asking you about applying a business strategy to your life. And that’s a good question. But, if you think about it for a moment, you’ll soon realize that your life is very similar to an organization made up of many projects.

Let’s walk through a few examples together.

I’m going to start with health because I believe it’s the foundation to a good life. If I were to ask you, how does a person’s health deteriorate or fail, barring any unforeseen events such as diseases beyond a person’s control, what answers would you give me?

I think we would both agree that lack of exercise, poor diet, and maybe even lack of sleep as contributing factors that would lead to poor health if continued over time.

What if I asked you about poor financial health? Perhaps overspending, lack of financial knowledge would be a couple of factors we would agree upon.

What about relationships? Ignoring friends and family, taking people for granted, or even egocentric self-centeredness might all be contributing factors to poor relationships.

All three of these areas we’ve looked at can be viewed as projects, and while applying a pre-mortem strategy to them might not guarantee success, it will help mitigate the risk of failure.

So, take some time today to think about the areas of your life that you feel are important to you and conduct a pre-mortem. Identify the potential weak or failure points and begin to take actions that will increase the probability of success in the most important project you’ll ever work on – your life.

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How often do you stop and appreciate the simple pleasures in life?

It’s great to pursue big goals and life-changing events, but it’s also good and, in some cases, even more, important to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

What are simple pleasures?

Psychologists define them as brief, positive experiences, emerge in everyday settings, and are accessible to most people at little or no cost. Simple pleasures are known as mini moments of happiness and joy—the perfect mood boosters.

But the key to appreciating simple pleasures is that you must first look for them. Fortunately, there’s not a one-size-fits-all, so you can find and enjoy simple pleasures that are unique to your life.

A simple pleasure for you could be something as simple as getting a green light at a busy intersection or a message from a friend or loved one.

You can consider the act of noticing and appreciating simple pleasures in life as emotional speed bumps that force you to pay attention just for a moment or two and allow you to slow down from the pace of daily life.

So, as you go through your day today, try to notice the simple pleasures in your life. Allow yourself to mentally step away and take a moment to appreciate them. And don’t worry, whatever you’re working on or wherever you’re going will still be there when you check back in.

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How do you stay motivated?

At its core, motivation is rooted in escape or, said differently, the desire to change.

The two drivers for motivation are dissatisfaction with the current state and the hope or vision that things can get better. Without these drivers, there is no motivation.

Dissatisfaction with how things are doesn’t necessarily mean unhappiness, although it can. It can also come from a feeling or knowing that you can improve on your current circumstances.

Then there’s hope. You might have heard the Bible verse, “without vision, the people will perish.” Well, hope and vision are related. Hope is the thought, the idea of a better future. But for hope to help you stay motivated, your vision of your future must be transformative. It must be big enough to pull you towards it regardless of the challenges you’ll face along the way.

According to research, there are three components of motivation. They are activation, persistence, and intensity. Obviously, there’s no movement without activation, but the key, the linchpin, is persistence. Your intensity will wax and wane based on many factors, but you must maintain a level of consistency. Use your vision of your future to help you stay consistent.

So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where your motivation to accomplish a goal or task is fading, go back and revisit why you started down that path in the first place. Find the reasons that prompted you to want to make a change in your life and see if they’re still valid, and move you towards change. If they are, then re-ignite your motivation by refocusing on your vision and move consistently towards it.

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How well do you take a compliment?

Do you accept it and enjoy the moment or reply with some form of self-deprecation?

Self-deprecation may be beneficial when socializing because you’ll be seen as humble but, in your effort to do so, there’s a danger that you’ll be sowing the seeds of self-sabotage and unworthiness.

Your self-confidence is grounded in the language you use to describe yourself, not only to others but also to yourself. So, what happens when someone compliments you, and you downplay it with a nonchalant, ‘it’s nothing, or no big deal’ is that you begin to believe this about yourself.

Accepting a compliment can be difficult, particularly in certain cultures where you’re taught that pride is a vice and humility is a virtue to strive for. And this might be true in some cases, especially when you’re trying to fit in, be likable and make others around you feel comfortable. But there’s a cost to downplaying yourself.

Imagine for a moment that every time a friend or colleague accomplished something in their lives, instead of praising them, you downplayed their achievements. How popular would you be with them? I think you’d soon find yourself with fewer friends. Well, this is what you’re doing to yourself when you self-deprecate and deflect compliments.

Now I’m not suggesting or recommending that you become braggadocios and flaunt your accomplishments at every opportunity you get because that too can and probably will have negative consequences in your social life. Instead, find a balance between being humble and, at the same time, proud of who you are.

So, the next time someone compliments you, don’t deflect with self-deprecation. Accept it with humility and gratitude. Allow yourself to feel worthy of the kind words they’re expressing, and hopefully, over time, you’ll begin to believe that you’re deserving of the compliments you receive.

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How often do you ask for what you want?

You might have heard the often quoted and popular Bible verse, “Ask, and you shall receive.” But, while asking is the bridge to almost anything you want out of life, you must first be willing to ask.

The act of asking requires courage because in doing so, you’re setting yourself up for rejection and even perhaps a sense of failure. Rejection is hard to handle especially if you take it personally. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

When you don’t ask for what you want, there’s often an underlying theme that you don’t feel as though you deserve to do so. So then, you self-sabotage yourself by not asking or asking from a position of weakness. You do this by saying to yourself something along the lines of, ‘they’ll probably say no.’

One way to get over the fear of asking is to understand that there’s a distinction between what you ask for and who you are. When you understand that there’s a clear delineation between you and your request, you’ll begin to realize that it’s your request that might be denied and not you. This enables you not to take the rejection personally.

Learning to ask for what you want is a superpower that you have the opportunity to work on at any stage in life. However, the sooner you learn to ask for what you want, the higher the probability is that you’ll begin to receive it.

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How much overthinking do you do?

When you find yourself ruminating over a thought, rarely is it a positive one. Positive or happy thoughts are inclined to evaporate quickly. It’s the negative thoughts that stick around.

The negative thoughts are the ones that snowball into imagined scenarios of doom and gloom.

Why does this occur?

There isn’t one specific reason you’re more prone to thinking about negative thoughts over positive ones, but your survival instinct plays a major role. Your brain is continuously calculating what-if scenarios, and it’s these scenarios that tend to get out of control. These out-of-control thoughts are also often the foundation for anxiety.

So how do you apply the brakes to negative thoughts before they become the mountain out of a molehill?

One way to reduce time spent on negative thoughts is to counterbalance your thinking. Actively looking for things that are going well for you and being grateful for them can help redirect the energy you’re spending on negative thoughts. Yes, this takes work, but it will get easier with practice like any other form of exercise.

Another way to prevent yourself from overthinking a problem is to give yourself a set time during which you’re allowed to think about the situation. This might sound like it’s not possible, and to some degree, you’re correct because it’s impossible to switch off your brain. But setting a time allows you to go into problem-solving or brainstorming mode. During the time you’ve allotted yourself, write down all the possible solutions and outcomes to the problem you’re thinking about. Doing this will alleviate your mind from carrying the burden and might allow you to approach the situation with less emotion and more logic.

So, the next time you find yourself overthinking a problem, consider using a technique or two to prevent yourself from sliding down the slippery slope towards negative thinking. Doing so might prevent you from experiencing the pain of issues that don’t even exist.

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