Raj Daniels

How do you handle the gap between how the world is and how you want it to be?

Navigating the difference between how things are and how you’d prefer them to be is one of the greatest life skills you can develop. But it’s not an easy skill to learn.

By the way, before I go on, let me point out the obvious. The gap between how life is versus how you want it to be is and will forever be your greatest source of frustration. I use the word frustration, but that’s only the tip of the emotional snowball, which if not controlled can and will develop into a whole slew of negative emotions.

So how do you handle the gap between how things are and how you wish them to be?

Change your perspective.

I’m almost sure this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but I guarantee that in many cases, changing your perspective will very quickly eliminate the dissonance you’re experiencing. Obviously, changing your perspective is not a panacea broad-brush solution for every issue, but it can be very helpful, especially for trivial issues.

Think of changing your perspective as the old breaking-up meme, it’s not you, it’s me.

Instead of blaming others, or the ‘outer’ world for situations that aren’t how you wish them to be, take ownership and reframe your own perspective. Remind yourself, it’s not them, it’s you. Let me be clear, this is not a license for you to take the blame or victimize yourself for every mishap that you encounter. It’s a tool to help you alleviate some of life’s petty frustrations.

So, the next time you find yourself getting worked up over how you wish things were versus how they are, try changing your perspective by reminding yourself, it’s you, not them. And while this tool won’t help you solve some of life’s bigger problems, it might just help you make it through another day.

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What are your personal standards?

If you haven’t thought about what your personal standards are, not to worry, you’re not alone.

Setting standards for your life is akin to setting your own personal code of ethics. Setting standards essentially means what you expect and accept from yourself. And yes, while it might be tempting to set standards for others, it’s almost impossible to do so.

Before I go on, let me clarify what I mean by standards. Standards in this context is a level of quality or attainment.

So how do you set standards for yourself?

Well, it all depends on what you want out of your life.

For example, if you want to be an honest person, then you set the standard of being honest and truthful. It’s that simple, yet obviously not easy. Oh, and the other kicker is that if you want to be honest, you cannot spend time with dishonest people because if you know they’re being dishonest then you’re complicit in their action.

The great thing about setting standards for yourself is that they are subject to change. While you might have a standard to two that you learn earlier in life, for example, not to physically harm another person, you can add, adjust, and elevate your standards as you mature in life.

Standards can apply in all areas of your life, from how you treat your body, to how you treat others, and what kind of treatment you’ll accept from others.

Think of setting standards for yourself not as constraints but as guiding principals that provide you direction, similar to how guy wires are used to give young trees support and direction.

So, consider setting standards for yourself in any area of life that’s important to you. Use them as tools to help you become the person you want to be.

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How do you deal with uncertainty?

Does uncertainty paralyze you from moving forward?

Do you wish it didn’t exist?

Dealing with uncertainty is challenging because as humans we care about our wellbeing, or said differently, our existence. Since we long for safety, uncertainty is threatening to us.

Now, of course, there is a spectrum of uncertainty. For example, driving a car for most adults in the Western world no longer holds the threat it once did, whereas putting those same adults in the middle of a jungle where the native citizens thrive and suddenly there’s a lot of uncertainty.

One of the keys to coping with uncertainty is to not resist uncertainty but to accept it. Keep in mind that while acceptance might sound like a passive act, it isn’t. Acceptance is an intentional act that you control. Acceptance also doesn’t mean that you don’t take actions that will help you navigate your future; it just means you accept what is happening at this moment that you can’t change.

Another way to deal with uncertainty is to remind yourself that the uncertainty only lives in your mind. Keep in mind that the future hasn’t happened yet, so your feeling of uncertainty is your thoughts telling you what may or may not occur. While not believing your thoughts is not always an easy task, with practice you can learn to bring yourself back to the present moment and again, accept it for what it is.

So, the next time you find yourself anxiously thinking about an uncertain future, activate your sense of control and take agency of your thinking. Accept the present moment for what it is, and don’t believe your every thought about the future. And remember, it’s often the uncertainty in life that makes it exciting.

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Do you know that the radius for turning an oil supertanker that’s chugging along in the ocean can be more than two miles?

Why is it important that you know this fact?

Honestly, it’s not. But I’m sharing this information with you to illustrate a point.

If you’ve been moving in a particular direction in life and you attempt to change direction, it might take some time for you to do so. Especially if you’re further along in life. The reason is momentum. So, just like the oil tanker, you’re going to need to give yourself room to turn around.

What will be your turning radius?

How long will it take you to change direction?

Well, that will depend on your own individual genetic makeup and the change you’re attempting to make.

Some changes that you’re attempting to make might come easier to you than others just based on your personality. For example, attempting to quit a long-held habit might be easier for you than deciding to change jobs or relationships.

When you’re thinking about making a change in your life you should keep in mind that it rarely takes effect immediately and is not linear. Referring to the turning radius of the supertanker for a moment. Even during the turn, it’s making continuous corrections and is often off course until it sets off in its new direction. You too will experience a ‘messy middle’ as you make your way to your new direction.

So, the next time you attempt to make a change in your life, think of the supertanker. If your about-turn takes you more time than you anticipated, stick with it. Make course corrections along the way as you navigate obstacles and don’t give up. Soon enough you too will find yourself heading in a new direction.

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Do you believe that we’re all interconnected?

If you don’t then you can stop reading this and move on with your day.

But, if you do, then let’s carry on.

At first, this might sound farfetched, but that’s why I asked you if you believe we’re interconnected. You see, you can go through life just fine not believing that we’re interconnected and that you’re an individual unit that spontaneously appeared on this earth. And yes, I’m being flippant, or tongue in cheek, whatever the correct phrase is, but I’m trying to make a point.

You can trace your ancestry or lineage as far back as you can and eventually conclude that we all evolved from the same pair of bipeds roaming the plains of Africa.

So why am I harping on about being interconnected?

I’m doing so because being interconnected implies that the way you treat others affects you too. Now you might not see or realize the effects right away, but somewhere in this vast expanse of time, you will see or experience the repercussions of your actions.

On the flip side of the coin, it also means that how you treat yourself will affect others too. Yes, chew on that for a moment.

Now I know the reality is that there are very few Saints among us, and even some that we think are Saints have stains on their reputations. So, I’m not expecting any saintly behavior from you, or me.

But what I am suggesting is as you go through life, be a bit more cognizant of the way you treat people.

As you go through your days and you interact with people, give them a little more grace, perhaps some latitude for what you might consider maliciousness towards you or mistakes they make. To be clear, I don’t want you to become someone’s emotional punching bag. But learn to lead with compassion. If you’ve read this far then somewhere deep inside you there might be a belief that we are all interconnected, so going forward, live your life as if we are.

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How often do you seek feedback?

How do you improve your skills?

Seeking and asking for feedback is one of the best ways to improve your skills, whatever they might be. Asking for feedback is important because, without it, you’re left to judge your own abilities. And while you might be a good judge of your skills, it’s difficult not to be unbiased towards yourself.

One of the keys to seeking or asking for feedback is that you don’t or shouldn’t ask for it from any and everyone you know. The people closest to you might not be willing or even qualified to provide you with feedback, or they might be overly critical and certain boundaries might be crossed since they know you so well.

The best way to get feedback is to seek out other professionals or individuals that have the skills you’re trying to develop, or improve, and ask them for their unbiased opinion. Yes, in some cases you might have to pay for their time, but this might make their feedback even more valuable to you.

Seeking feedback is not a mandatory part of life, but if you’re actively looking to improve any skill that you have then asking for and receiving feedback is probably the best, and in some cases, the fastest way to improve.

So, if improving areas of your life are important to you, then begin seeking feedback today. At first, hearing that you’re not as good as you think you are or like to be, might be a difficult pill to swallow. But once you learn to accept that you are where you are, then there’s nothing but improvement in front of you. And that’s what you’re aiming for.

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When do you see a result?

If you said or thought, after an action occurs, then you’re correct.

But how long after an action is taken to do you see a result?

Well, that depends on the result you’re looking for.

If you take step, then you’ll move forward. Action, result. It happens quickly.

The one thing all results have in common is that they’re lagging indicators. A lagging indicator is a fancy economical term that essentially says that there is an observable or measurable factor that changes or is correlated to an economical or financial event.

Now the challenge with results being lagging indicators is that most major changes in your life happen incrementally. This means you must stick with an action long enough before you see the results. And this is where most people give up on change. They think the actions they’re taking are in vain because the results aren’t readily noticeable. But if you go back to the basic principles of physics then you’ll remember that there can be no action without a reaction.

When you’re seeking to make a change in your life, you must be willing to wade through the mire of uncertainty long enough before you begin to see the results of the change you’re making. A good example of this is that when you first start working out, you don’t walk into a gym with muscles, your muscles develop after spending time in the gym.

So, the next time you’re thinking about making a change in your life, especially a major one, keep in mind that the results you’re looking for might not show up for a while. Have faith in knowing that your actions aren’t going unnoticed and that although they’re lagging, eventually you will begin to see results.

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How often do you work on unsettling your mind?

While there’s a lot of talk and literature regarding mindset, unsettling of the mind is often overlooked. But in my opinion, unsettling your mind is just as important as working on your mindset.

In order to accept new ideas, you must be willing to change your current way of thinking, and this can be difficult because you have to admit that you’re wrong. You must come to terms with the notion that the information you base your thinking on is either incorrect or out of date.

Why is changing your mind, or opinions and views so hard to do? It’s because they are the foundation of your identity.

There’s a high probability that the older you get the more difficult it is for you to change your mind regarding certain subjects. The reason for this is that you begin to justify your success or your longevity in life with your way of thinking, but the problem with this kind of justification is that you don’t get to go back in time and run a parallel experiment. You don’t know how different your life could have been if you had thought differently.

Now I’m not recommending that you become fickle and change your mind on a whim based on any new information you receive, or the opinions of others. What I am suggesting is that you be flexible and open to evaluating new information and be willing to change your mind and unsettle your current way of thinking.

So, the next time you’re presented with information that challenges your current way of thinking, instead of disregarding it and thinking of it as incorrect, be open to at least evaluating it. Giving yourself permission to change your mind doesn’t make you less of who you are, it allows you to explore possibilities of becoming more than who you currently are.

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What is the best predictor of your future?

I’ll give you minute to think about it.

Ready?

If you answered, it’s the action you take and the decisions you make today, then you can stop reading right here.

While my answer might seem overly simplistic, I can’t emphasize enough just how important your daily actions and decisions are when it comes to predicting your future. Before I go on, let me point out the obvious, every action and decision is not equal and does not require intense deliberation.

What many people fail to realize is that while a single action or decision might not carry a great amount of weight in the grand scheme of a lifetime, actions and decisions compounded overtime can drastically change the entire trajectory of your life.

Most people can get by with taking sloppy actions or making poor decisions for the first twenty, and in some cases even thirty years of their lives, as long as they’re not detrimental to their personal wellbeing, or the well being of others. But later in life, actions and decisions begin to take on more gravity.

So, instead of waiting until later in your life, learn to make better decisions and act today. Spend time thinking about your future and then align your actions and decisions accordingly. And yes, your actions and decisions might not guarantee your future, but they will increase your odds of getting you where you want to be.

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How much time do you spend in prospection?

If you don’t know what prospection is, not to worry, I just learned the word recently and have been looking for an excuse to use it.

Prospection is the act of anticipation. It is the generation and evaluation of mental representations of possible futures.

But why would you want to think about possible futures, especially since spending too much time thinking about the future is one of the causes of anxiety? Because thinking about the future can also make your life more meaningful.

Before I go on, I must remind you that your ability to be here in the present, it just as important, if not more so than thinking about the future or the past. But since you have the ability to prospect your future, then you should absolutely use it to your advantage.

Your ability to imagine a bright future for yourself can motivate you to make better decisions today which increases your chances of living the future you imagined.  Prospection can also brighten your mood, as you look for the ‘silver lining’ of tomorrow beyond what might be the clouds of today.

So, spend some time today thinking about your future. Don’t take an anxious approach worrying about what might happen, but instead, imagine a future that you want to move towards. One that inspires and motivates you to act today. Prospect your future just like those that prospected for gold. With enthusiasm, excitement, and hope. If you do so, you might just find what you’re looking for.

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Heads or tails?

That’s it.

Those are your two choices.

Which one will you choose?

You might not see it at first, because it’s not really heads or tails, but you only ever really have two choices.

Whenever you have a situation or are presented with a set of options you don’t like or agree with, you only have the following choices.

You can change what’s happening or change how you think about what’s happening.

Of course, you can do nothing, which technically is a third option, but that just leaves you stuck where you are.

Let’s be honest for a minute.

How many times do you think you have the power to change situations you’re presented with? Maybe a few if you’re lucky or if you have a high ability to influence your surroundings.

But how many times do you have the power to change how you think about the situations you’re presented with?

Don’t read ahead. Let that last question sink in for a moment.

I hope you thought about it for a moment and came to the realization that your probability of being able to change how you think about situations you disagree with is much higher than being able to change them.

While it might not be as clear as heads or tails, your choices about how you react and respond to people and situations you disagree with are quite limited.

Now you can spend a lot of energy fighting against all the things you disagree with, or you can choose to see things differently and save your energy to focus on the few things you can control.

So what’s it going to be, heads or tails?

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Who is part of your support system?

Whose support system are you a part of?

How do you feel about relying on someone or someone relying on you?

For some, the idea of having to rely on another person is a sign of weakness, and for others, they know and understand that they can’t go it alone.

The reality is that no one can really go it alone. Regardless of how much the idea of ‘rugged individualism’ is admired and held up as hero worship, no one individual can survive, let alone thrive without the help or consideration of at least one other person.

The idea or even the world individual is only about 500 years old. Which, if you think about it, 500 years is not even and drop in the bucket of time. And the original meaning of the word is indivisible, describing a singular thing or object.

None of us is a singular object. We are all part of a greater system that relies on each other’s cooperation to survive. And we are also part of a greater ecosystem that we depend on whether we realize it or not. So, relying on someone else, or being a support system for another person is inherent to our true nature.

Actively creating a support system for yourself or participating in a support system for someone else is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your community. Now to be clear, I’m not suggesting you give all your time to others at the expense of your own progress but making yourself available when you can be is the role you must play to support the broader ecosystem.

So, look around you and acknowledge those that have supported you on your journey and then make a commitment to supporting those that you can. And keep in mind that while you are an individual, you’re still connected to the broader ecosystem, or perhaps said differently, a system that supports you.

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How do you think about risk?

When and where did you learn about risk?

How much about what you know about risk have you just parroted and not actually experienced?

Statistically speaking, the probability of any disastrous event happening to you is very slim. For example, the number of people killed in car accidents in the U.S. averages around 40,000 people a year. And while the fact that anyone dies in a car accident is sad and unfortunate, that number is roughly one percent of the population.

Now I’m not suggesting you take risk lightly or develop a cavalier attitude towards it, what I am saying is that when you do hear about risk and risky situations, consider the source. One reason risk is sensationalized is because it happens so infrequently and disturbs the pace of normal life.

Bad weather events, ax murderers, and or bankruptcies are all categorized as risk and if you continuously worry about all the risky situations you could get into, then you’d never leave your home. And even while you’re in the safety of your home, you’ll worry about all the other low probability events that could happen to you.

It’s been said that ‘no risk, no reward,’ but I don’t believe the rewards for taking risks are equal to the risk taken. And there are different kinds of risk. There’s financial risk, physical risk, relational risk, and you need to learn to weigh different risks for what they are. You also need to evaluate where and from whom you first learned about risk and what their motivations might have been.

Learning to think about and question what and how you think about risk is one of the first steps to creating any change in your life. You must be willing to navigate the risk of failing in any new endeavor before you begin.

So, the next time you’re thinking about doing something that might be life-changing, take a good hard look at why you think it might be risky. Ask yourself whether these are really your concerns or the concerns of others that you’ve adopted into your own life. And keep in mind, that at times, the risk of inaction, is just as great, if not greater, than acting.

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How often are you where you are?

I know my question might seem a little odd, but just think about it for a moment.

If you’re still struggling with it, then allow me to clarify.

While you might be physically occupying a space, where are you mentally?

Are you here now, in the present, or has your mind wandered off into the future or the past?

If your mind has wandered off, then not to worry, you can bring it back to the here and now.

Having your mind in the same location as you are physically is not a requirement of life, but it is one way to alleviate anxiety and ease depression. It’s been said that anxiety is the constant thinking and worrying about the future, while depression is ruminating on the past. So, bringing your mind into the present allows you to escape, if only temporarily, from the perils of the past and future.

While being present and aligning your mind with your body might be challenging at first, it’s absolutely a skill you can learn to do. And you don’t need to do it all the time to reap the benefits. Just a few moments throughout your day can give your mind an opportunity to reset itself from thinking about the past and future.

So, learn to give your mind a break. Just for a moment, leave the past where it belongs and wait for the future unfold. Experience the feeling of being where you are.

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What is the secret to happiness?

Maybe there’s a better question.

Is there a secret to happiness?

If there is, I’m almost certain it’s not a one size fits all secret.

But, let me add to the mix and ask additional happiness related questions.

Is happiness a worthy goal in itself?

What does happiness look like?

When did you learn about happiness?

Chasing happiness is a tricky endeavor because it’s such an ephemeral emotion. You might know when you experience it, but so often it slips away just as fast as it arrived.

I know that there’s a lot of external or social pressure on you to say and show that you’re happy and this further complicates matters. Everywhere you look you see images of people smiling and supposedly happy and enjoying their lives. Over time these images begin to seep into your mind, and you might even begin to ask yourself, am I the only one that’s not happy?

Before I go on, I want to come clean and tell you that I don’t have the secret to happiness, and I apologize if you feel like I’ve misled you. But before you stop reading let me share a few thoughts that might help you in your pursuit of happiness.

What I’ve learned and can share is that instead of pursuing happiness, seek personal fulfillment. Fulfillment, as the word implies, will give you a longer feeling of satisfaction in life. Think of fulfillment as a long multi-course meal that satisfies all your taste buds, and happiness as a piece of gum that loses its flavor in a matter of minutes.

When you combine personal fulfillment with occasional sprinkles of moments of joy, then you might even experience those fleeting moments of happiness that you’re seeking. Maybe there is a secret to happiness after all.

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What was the last thing you built?

Was it a business or company, a team, a product, or perhaps a personal project?

Humans were designed to build. It’s what we’ve been doing since we’ve been on this earth. The problem is that life has become so convenient and modernized that the need to build is optional.

But why is building important?

It’s not the building that’s important, it’s the skills that you acquire during the building process.

Building increases your self-confidence. It signals to you that by using your mind and at times your hands you have the power to create. And as your confidence increases you begin to get a sense of self-reliance, not in a negative, I don’t need anyone kind of way, but in a positive, ‘I can do this.’

Becoming a builder is a mindset. At times it requires you to shun the easy road and take on challenges that you might think are beyond your current capabilities. The builder mindset also involves you taking on projects that are messy and don’t have any clear instructions, the kind of projects you must figure out as you go along. To draw a parallel, just think about the first structures built by humans, no instructions or rules, all trial, and error.

So, learn to adopt a builder mindset and find a challenge for yourself. You don’t have to start with a big one that is so daunting that you don’t even begin, just a small one to get you started on your journey. And as you continue to build, you’ll notice that not only are you building your projects, but you’re building your self-confidence too.

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Whose life are you trying to imitate?

Who are you trying to be like?

During the 1990s, the company Gatorade had a campaign in which they encouraged everyone to ‘be like Mike.’ Mike, being the famous basketball superstar Michael Jordan. While the campaign generated millions of dollars in revenue for the company, ultimately no one could be like Mike. There was and is only one Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan’s skills and talents are unique to him and he was able to effectively use them to propel himself and the teams he played for to be champions of an era.

You too have skills and talents that are unique to you but if all you do is try to emulate others then you’ll always fall short. While having role models and learning from others is great because it gives you an ideal to aspire to, continuously comparing yourself to someone else only amplifies the distance between you and your perception of their success.

But how do you find your unique talents?

That is a question for the ages. And my only and best advice is to expose yourself to as many experiences as you can.

There some ‘lucky’ individuals that know from a very early age what they want to do in life, but some must wander for a while before realizing what they’re best suited for. There is no right answer. What I can tell you is that when you eventually find your unique skills and talents focus on them with intensity because the more you do so, the faster you’ll be able to differentiate yourself from the pack.

So, begin your journey today. Keep your role models but leave the comparison behind. Learn to become the master of your own uniqueness and carve out your own path. Make your goal to ‘be like you.’

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How often do you get in your own way?

Let me explain.

You’re sitting there and you have an idea or an inspiration to do something, perhaps even make a change in your life, and then, quietly from within you, you hear a voice.

“Not today.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Who do you think you are?”

And doubt begins to creep in and dismantle your idea or inspiration. You see, quite often, you are your own greatest obstacle.

How many times has this happened to you?

How many inspirations and ideas have you buried in the recess of your mind without even giving them the opportunity to see the light of day?

Learning to get out of your own way is one of the best things you can do for yourself. By the way, this doesn’t mean that suddenly, your ideas and inspirations will begin to succeed, it just means you’ll give them a chance to live.

Getting out of your own way is all about silencing your inner critic. It’s about quieting or ignoring the inner voice I mentioned earlier.

Removing the obstacle of you is no easy task, but it’s one that’s well worth the effort. It requires you to take small steps towards building confidence and belief in yourself, and perhaps the most difficult step, being okay with failing, sometimes even publicly.

By the way, it’s the failing in public that prevents most people from getting out of their own way. And while I can’t alleviate your pain of failing in public, I can share that the public is fickle and self-absorbed and will soon forget about your mishaps and move on.

So, when you have your next idea or inspiration, step out of the way, and allow it to come to life. At least give it the opportunity to take its first breath. There will be plenty of obstacles for it to face in order for it to come to fruition, just don’t let you be one of them.

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What’s best for me?

If you’re like me most people, then that’s the question you’re probably asking and answering all day every day. And although there might be times during your day that you’re truly thinking about the welfare of others, you then revert to what’s best for you.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a bit of a selfish streak, prioritizing yourself, and thinking about what’s best for you. But what if occasionally you asked, what’s best for everyone?

Yes, I understand that it’s impossible to act in a manner that best for everyone, but what I’m suggesting is that you take a more holistic view of the world.

But how do you act in a manner that has the interest of the majority?

It’s a good question. And while I can’t provide an exact roadmap, I do have a few broad ideas.

My ideas are related mostly to your consumption patterns. When you purchase food, think about the farmers and whether they’re being treated fairly or not. When you buy clothes, think about where they come from and are the companies paying and treating their labor well. When you buy electronics and other gadgets, think about the natural resources being extracted from the earth.

While my ideas might sound too broad or overwhelming to think about, it’s only when we begin to think in this holistic manner that we start to see how we can benefit not just ourselves, but everyone.

So, today as you go about your day doing and acting in ways that are best for you, spend a few moments thinking about what’s best for everyone. After all, whether we admit or think about it or not, we’re all in this together.

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How often do you give yourself a break?

How do you speak to yourself when projects are not going your way, you’re behind on a deadline, or perhaps you’ve had a recent failure?

Instead of berating yourself or reminding yourself of all your other past mishaps, learn to give yourself a break.

I’m not saying you should take your foot off the gas entirely; I’m just suggesting that occasionally, give yourself a break. Go easy on yourself.

Life’s requests and demands will never stop, so you must learn to step away from them. Whether you choose to do this for a minute an hour a day or any other amount of time is up to you, but just learn to do so.

Taking a break doesn’t mean giving up, it’s just taking time to reset. Think of it as rebooting a computer that’s stuck.

Now you might wonder if giving yourself a break really is worth doing and that you might even lose your edge if you’re soft on yourself, which are valid concerns. But think of it this way, any object, whether in nature or manmade will eventually break if it’s under pressure all the time. And you’re no different.

So, the next time you find yourself overwhelmed with a challenge, or struggling with a recent failure, give yourself a break. Reboot, reset, refresh, and prepare for your next set of challenges. They’ll be waiting right where you left them.

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