Raj Daniels

Is it working for you or against you?

Whether you realize it or not this is how you view everything.

Although the idea might sound overly simplistic, it’s true. It all boils down to the primitive nature of survival, of viewing the world through the lens of am I going to eat it, or will it eat me?

You see, even though humans have evolved, there’s still a deep reliance on some of the ingrained traits that have kept them alive for all these years. And this can be beneficial in certain situations, but it can also be detrimental if feelings are misinterpreted.

Fortunately, in this day and age, very few things are out to eat you and you can go about your day in relative safety, but you still view situations through your primitive brain. So when you feel afraid of a situation that’s not an obvious physical threat, it’s you manifesting your fear sensation into a thought and then creating an entire narrative around that thought.

It’s in creating the narrative or stories around the sensation of fear where problems begin to occur. Your stories are rarely based on any verifiable facts, but they feel as though they are and so you set them as beliefs that ultimately shape your view of the world.

If you were to go back through your past and conduct an honest evaluation of how many times you were mistaken about people and situations that you at the time thought were bad for you or against you, you’d find that you misjudged quite a bit. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, everyone does this. The question is, do you continue?

Adopting an attitude of things working for you rather than against you might seem unreasonable at first, but said another way; you can either choose to act and feel like the victim of fate, or the master. The choice is yours.

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What are your assumptions about the lives of others?

What if I told you that your assumptions about the lives of others are directly connected to how you see yourself?

Your assumptions about the lives of others are often based on a few interactions or even worse, what you hear or read about them, and then you use the limited information you’ve gathered and use it to build a story about them and then compare that story to your own life.

The problem with your assumptions is once you’ve made them you begin to interpret them as the truth and then that truth becomes ingrained in your belief system.

The truth is that many people you think have it all together, are falling apart at the seams. Many you think to be lucky have worked tirelessly to accomplish all they have. Many that seem to be dragging through life are carrying scars that will never be visible to you.

What’s unfortunate is that it’s all too easy to make assumptions about others, and once you fall into the habit of doing so, you begin to generalize and categorize.

Look, I understand that making assumptions is part of human nature, and humans do this to conserve energy and to shortcut thinking, after all, it’s easier for you to assume you know rather than having to think about it. But assumptions become damaging to your psyche and emotional well-being when you begin to use them to position yourself better than some, and less than others.

So the next time you find yourself making assumptions about a person stop and ask yourself this question, how do I know this to be true? This simple question will save you from jumping to conclusions not only about them, but perhaps even more important, how you see yourself compared to them.

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What’s wrong with you?

Maybe the preceding question is not the best way to start a conversation, so I’ll try something a little different.

What’s wrong with me?

Over the course of my life, there’s been so much wrong with me.

Here’s a list of a few questions and thoughts that come to mind.

I get scared.

I’m concerned about what other people think of me.

I feel stuck.

Will they still love me?

I don’t know if I’ll ever live up to my own expectations.

I’m uncertain of my relationships.

I ask myself if I’ll ever ‘make it.’

I worry about being alone.

I feel like an imposter.

Will my business succeed?

Am I a good boss?

Am I a good employee?

Am I a good parent?

Am I a good child?

Can I handle what’s next?

What if I fail?

I have so much anxiety.

I don’t know what to do next.

If any of the previous statements or questions resonate with you then you know that you’re not alone. In fact, I’m pretty sure that most people have themselves asked similar questions and have had similar thoughts.

You see, what’s wrong with you is what’s wrong with almost everyone. It’s the human condition. So, I’m here to tell you that what’s wrong with you is also what’s right with you.

The next time you find yourself asking or thinking what’s wrong with me, give yourself some grace and try to remember that while the situation might be unique to you, almost everyone has asked themselves the same question too.

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What can you really control?

Devices? Sure.

People? Maybe for a short amount of time.

Situations and outcomes? At times maybe.

Yourself?

If analyzed really well and with honesty, you’ll soon realize that the number of things out of your control are exponentially greater than the things within your control. Yet, on a daily basis, how many things do you think you can or at least attempt to control?

I hate to break it to you, but even the majority of your own actions and thoughts have been relegated to habits and routines and are mostly out of your control until you really think about them. Don’t worry; this is not unique to you. If people had to consciously think about every action they took or thought they had, they would be exhausted by breakfast.

But there are a few things you can control, and maybe not on a regular basis but with a little effort, at least on a case by case basis.

You can, with some effort control the words that come out of your mouth and use them to be kind, to uplift the people you interact with.

You can forgive, when it might not be easy to do so.

You can think about the food you put in your body.

You can for a short amount of time, release your autopilot thinking and focus on deep intentional thinking.

You can stop and take the occasional deep breath and be grateful that you don’t have to think about breathing all the time and that nature did her work and automated it for you.

Hopefully, as you go through this list you’ll realize that you actually have control of some of the most important things in your life. And with some practice, you’ll feel the confidence and security of knowing that even though you’d like to be able to control so much more, you have control of the things that count the most.

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How often do you venture into your discomfort zone?

When was the last time you pushed yourself to do something that would help you change or grow?

If it’s been a while then you’re not alone since the majority of people live well within their comfort zone. Your comfort zone is like a padded cell, it’s designed by you to keep you safe, but it’s still a cell that keeps you confined to who you are.

The unfortunate truth about discomfort is that if you’re not willing to endure it then you’ll never pursue or complete anything new you set out to do. While this might sound a little harsh, it’s the truth. If you’re looking for evidence then just go back through your life and find your unfinished projects or dreams you didn’t pursue, sure there were ones where you changed your mind, but what about the ones you gave up on because they required you to leave your comfort zone?

If your seeking any permanent change in your life then your discomfort zone is a hurdle you must be willing to cross and tolerate, if you don’t then the gravity of your current self will force you back to who you currently are.

Learning to live with discomfort when you know it will benefit you, in the long run, is a superpower. It’s a skill that will allow you to accomplish more than you think is possible. The least you can do is dip your toe into your discomfort zone for a while and see what happens, if you find it doesn’t work for you then no worries, your padded comfort zone will always be there waiting for you.

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Why do you want what you want?

How often do you really stop to ask yourself this question?

Given the opportunity, self-inquiry can lead to immense clarity, but you must want clarity. 

Spending time conducting self-inquiry can prevent you from pursuing things that you never desired, it can also clarify for you the reasons you want the things you do. 

Self-inquiry doesn’t need to take hours of searching for answers, it can take as little as a few minutes each day. It can be a brief conversation with yourself at the beginning of your day consisting of a few ‘why’ questions that reveal your true motivations. 

One of the best techniques for self-inquiry is the Five Whys method. The Five Whys is an iterative interrogative technique that has been used in the business world for years to get to the root cause of a problem.

For example, if you’re pursuing good health then the conversation might look something like this.

Why am I going to the gym? Because I want to work out.

Why do I work out? Because I want good health. 

Why am I pursuing good health? Because I want to feel better.

Why do I want to feel better? So that I can be healthy for my family. 

Why do I want to be healthy for my family? Because I love them. 

This might sound like an overly simple exercise, but the more frequently you can remind yourself about your personal ‘whys’ the more likely you are to pursue things that are important to you and not to others. 

So why not use it to give yourself a little friendly interrogation? You never know what some additional clarity in your life might do for you.

What are the lies and misconceptions you have that hold you back?

By the way, before you get your feathers ruffled or get offended, it’s not just you, we all have lies and misconceptions that we believe to be truths.

Lies and misconceptions come with the territory. They’re passed down generationally, often to protect, but sometimes to control behavior. The problem is that they’re really sticky; they become ingrained in you until you begin to believe that they’re your own beliefs and ideas, but they never were.

You’ll hear the lies and misconceptions in your language when you say or even think statements such as ‘this is just who I am,’ ‘it’s too late for me to try,’ and many more. When you say or think this way all you’re doing is reinforcing the lie and misconception.

The reason people live with some degree of self-reinforcing lies and misconceptions is that admitting they could possibly change is scary. It would mean having to abandon a part of them that has allowed them to survive for however long they’ve been alive.

Ridding yourself of lies and misconceptions is not easy and takes a lot of work, and of course, is not necessary. But if you really feel that there are things in life that you want to accomplish and your current set of world views will prevent you from doing so, then doing the work to remove what’s holding you back might just be worth it.

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What are you willing to fight for?

While this might sound a little aggressive, there are times when you need to decide if you’re going to dig your heels in, put your shoulder down and push forward, or if you’re going to give up.

One of the definitions of fight is a violent confrontation or struggle, and neither one of these has to be against another person. In fact, if you’re lucky enough in life, you’ll probably never have a physical confrontation with another person; your biggest, scariest and worst opponent will be your own self.

You might be familiar with the phrase, ‘fight or flight,’ and although you might not realize it, this is what you’re doing every day. Each time you make the decision to pursue something you want, you’re deciding to take up the fight and engage in the struggle, and conversely, when you decide not to pursue, you engage in flight.

So the question now becomes, what are you willing to fight against yourself for?

Now there’s no denying that there will be some external obstacles, including people that might stand between you and what you want, and at times these obstacles might seem undefeatable, but that’s when you’ll need to decide if you’re going to engage in fight or flight.

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Do you plan on making a living or making a life?

What’s the difference between making a living and making a life?

Making living is officially defined as to earn enough income to support oneself and, if applicable, one’s family. While making a living is a noble endeavor and those that are able to do so are extremely fortunate, it also begs the question, what else does life have to offer?

If all you focus on is making a living then you’re only a few notches above survival, and life offers so much more than just survival. One of the best ways to distinguish between making a life and making a living is by asking yourself this question, what can I do and what do I want to do?

If all you focus on are your current set of capabilities then it’s a living you’ll make, but once you start thinking about what you want to do, then the magic begins. You see, when you begin to imagine the things you want to do, you’ll feel the excitement, you’ll be pulled forward and you’ll feel the tug of making a life.

While making a living might satisfy your basic needs, it rarely gives you the fulfillment and satisfaction that is inherent in making a life. So as you go through life ask yourself on a regular basis, if you want to make a life or make a living. There might be times when because of circumstances you’ll have to focus on making a living, but that doesn’t mean that you should give up on the idea of making a life.

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What is an observable truth?

In science, an observable truth is essentially that which can be perceived using the unaided senses. So that which you can see, touch, etc. not what you think is the truth.

Why is this important?

Well, the root of so many disagreements is based on independent views of the truth, better known as perspective. And a perspective is more closely associated with values than evidence or facts. So when you find yourself disagreeing with someone about what you or they think is the truth, you’re probably arguing more about perspective than the truth.

There probably is some truth buried within a disagreement, but it’s more of a blurred line than a solid point. Philosophers and scholars have been studying and discussing truth for centuries and there is still much disagreement as to what truth really is.

So the next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone about what you and they think the truth is, maybe just pause for a moment and reflect on the fact that so much of what you think to be the truth is just your perspective on the matter and not a fact backed by hard evidence. During your reflection, your opponent might seem a little confused at your lack of willingness to continue the argument, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re probably both wrong.

What are you looking for?

This might sound like a strange question, but stick with me and I’ll explain.

What do you think you’d see if just for today you looked for opportunities to perform good deeds for others?  I would bet a handsome wager that you’d find plenty of opportunities to do so.

What do you think you’d see if you looked for people doing good deeds for you? If you answered that you’d find people acting in ways to benefit you, then you’re correct.

Life has an interesting way of showing you what you’re looking for, it aligns what you see and experience with what you expect to see. Now obviously this is not an all or none game. There will be plenty of times when life doesn’t deliver to you exactly what you’re looking for, but if you practice long enough; more often than not you’ll begin to see more of what you’re looking for.

Is this a real or practical way to go through life?

Well, that’s a question you’ll have to answer for yourself. But let me be clear. I’m not suggesting that you ignore reality, or that there aren’t bad things happening in the world. However, the reality is that there’s very little you can do about almost everything going on in the world. So instead of focusing on things you can’t control, focus on thing you can, your mind. And use your mind to look for the things you want to see.

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Why should you embrace boredom?

Because in many cases, boredom is the key to success.

Now, this might sound a little confusing, so let me explain.

Boredom, repetition, monotony all carry a certain negative stigma, but if you ask anyone that has experienced any kind of success, they will tell you that all of these feelings are an integral part of their journey.

The athlete has to put in the reps, the entrepreneur has to make the calls and the performer has to continuously practice their art. Every professional in their respective field knows that in order to be excellent at what they do, they have to fight through the boredom of repetition in order to achieve a level of greatness. Even those that want strong, long-lasting relationships understand that not every day will be filled with excitement and that a certain amount of monotony comes with the territory.

So how do you embrace boredom?

You maintain a clear vision of what you’re attempting to accomplish. A clear compelling vision will pull you through the sludge of boredom. It will remind you why you’re putting the time and on occasion give you the additional motivation to put in one more rep, make one more call, and practice one more time.

Now I’m not saying that you should stick with something at all costs. What I am suggesting is that you make reasonable, rational decisions about your life, and if after you do so you come to the conclusion that you want to pursue or accomplish something then make your ability to embrace boredom your superpower. Your ability to manage or even leverage boredom will separate you from those that have given up on what they wanted, not because they didn’t have the necessary skills, but because they couldn’t handle the monotony of the journey.

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Are you experiencing boiled frog syndrome?

If you’re not sure what boiled frog syndrome is then here’s a brief explanation to help you understand.

The boiling frog is a fable describing a frog being slowly boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

Now you might be thinking that you’re not being cooked to death, so there’s no perceived danger for you. While factually you are correct, the question the boiled frog fable brings to light is, what have you now come to accept or normalize in your life that you once wouldn’t have?

If you’re like most people then you’ll find yourself caught up in the day to day activities of life and not really paying attention to all the small changes taking place in and around you. These changes are the tepid water slowly being brought to a boil. Changes in your career, your health, and your relationships that you might one day come to realize are not what you wanted, but bit by bit you began to accept them and now the waters boiling.

So how do you avoid becoming the boiled frog?

The answer is simple, but not easy. Evaluate the major aspects of your life on a regular basis and implement a continuous action plan to keep you out of boiling water.

Rumor has it that the boiled frog syndrome is a myth and this might be true, but even if it is, it illustrates a good point. If you find yourself in a position where you’ve begun to accept things about yourself and your life that you once wouldn’t have, then now might be a good time to start making changes, otherwise, like the mythical frog, you too might get cooked.

What can you learn about yourself today?

Why is getting to know yourself important?

Learning about yourself does take time. It requires you to ask deep and at times, difficult questions, some that you might not want to ask or answer. But the earlier in life you start asking yourself introspective questions, the better prepared you’ll be for the future.

The majority of people stumble through life, not quite sure of who they really are, and rarely stopping to learn anything about themselves besides their surface-level pleasures and wants.

Discovering who you are, or perhaps uncovering who you are at your core is an exercise that well worth the investment of your time.

One way to begin to learn who you are is to check your vitals. No, not the same vitals that medical professionals check, but by using the acronym VITALS.  The letters stand for: Values, Interests, Temperament, Around-the-Clock (The “around-the-clock” category refers to when you like to do things—your biorhythms), Life Mission and Goals, and Strengths/Skills.

Consider checking your VITALS at least once a year. Think of it as your annual mental checkup and schedule it just like you would do for a yearly physical checkup. Track your answers over time to see if at your core you change or remain consistent. No judgment, just observation.

Is learning about yourself necessary?  Of course not.  

Is learning about yourself worth the time and effort? I’ll leave that up to you to determine.

What do you think of when you hear the word work?

Let me restate the question.

What have you been taught to think of when you hear the word work?

If you’re like most people then you probably think that work is something you do for money. And that’s because it’s what the majority of people have been taught to think.

Here’s the official dictionary definition of the word work- An activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

The words money, pay, remuneration isn’t even mentioned in the definition. However, you do see the words purpose and result.

Why am I pointing this out?

Good question.

Because the majority of people have forgotten that work is about purpose and results, and not about money. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying money isn’t important, but the sooner you can disentangle money from work, the sooner you’ll be satisfied with the work you do.

The quicker you learn to align your life in a way that allows you to perform mental and physical activities that move you to achieve your personal definition of purpose, the less conflicted you’ll feel in life. I agree that defining what your personal purpose is, is easier said than done, but it’s also the difference between waking up every day and performing work that draws you to it and gives you a feeling of fulfillment, or leaves you feeling empty.

So the next time you hear or think of the word work, don’t think of what you or others do for money. Shift your mind to think about purpose instead, and the actions you can take to fulfill yours.

Why am I here?

This is a question that almost everyone asks at some point in their life. If you haven’t asked it yet, then there’s a high probability that you’ll ask it someday.

It’s such a huge question that laypeople and scholars have spent uncountable hours trying to answer this question for themselves and for those seeking answers to the question.

On one hand, the question can be answered simply because the evidence for the why behind existence can be brought directly back to, that’s the way nature works. Or, if you have strong religious faith, then you believe the reason you are here is due to a higher power, deity-like figure. Neither one of these points of view is incorrect, but they can be contentious at times.

Now I’m not here to tell you why you’re here, but I can perhaps offer some advice if you ever find yourself struggling to answer the question. Instead of asking why am I here in the abstract bounds of life, consider bringing it back to the more relatable, why am I here today, or even right now.  Turn the macro question that encompasses all moments of your life into a micro question that allows you to focus on the present. And then tie a mental knot between the present moment to something meaningful to you.

While tying present moments to things that are meaningful to you might not help you answer the big why am I here question all at once, it will help you look back at all the knots you’ve tied and perhaps give you some clues or insight into why you’re here. And if you find yourself asking the question again, you can use your insight to remind you why you’re here.

What’s your hidden talent?

What are you good at that you’re holding back from the world?

Are you an artist, a singer, an inventor, a writer, or do you have some other talent within you that you’re keeping bottled up?

Each one of us is born with a set of inherent talents and it’s up to us whether or not to develop those talents or let them languish over time. One of the reasons most choose not to focus or work on their talents is that the environment in which they are raised doesn’t value or encourage the development of those talents, and so they fade away. But they never quite disappear.

How do you know that your hidden talent hasn’t disappeared?

You’ll know because you’ll have a gnawing feeling inside you. You’ll carry a persistent feeling that rears its head on occasion and says to you, ‘I can do that.’ That’s your talent speaking to you. Of course, how you respond is up to you.

If you have a hidden talent that’s been speaking to you for a while then maybe it’s time you give yourself permission to explore it. If you don’t at least give your talent an opportunity, then you’re not only wasting a natural gift, but you’re missing out because the world is always looking for and in need of talented people. And, if after using your talent for a while you no longer enjoy it, then you can always push it back into the recess of your mind and let it mumble away while you try to ignore it.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…”

If you’re familiar with the work of Charles Dickens then you’ll recognize the preceding paragraph as the opening lines from his book, A Tale of Two Cities.

As you read through the paragraph you notice that each sentence contradicts itself. How can it be both the best of times and yet, be the worst of times?

There will be times in your life when you’ll think that you are experiencing the best or worst of times, but it’s very difficult to have a clear perspective when you’re actually in the midst of any strong emotional experience. The reason for this is that your emotions are clouding your judgment in the moment. Rarely is any experience really the best or the worst, and as time passes you’ll gain distance from your experience which allows you to look back with greater clarity.

The human experience is comprised of nothing more than perspective and if you were to poll the general public on any given day you’d find the world to be full of paradoxes.

So was it, or is it really the best or worst of times?

Unfortunately, I can’t answer that for you. But hopefully, with the passing of time and the benefit of retrospect, you’ll be able to answer that question for yourself.

How do you know if you’ve made a decision?

You might think it’s obvious that you’ve made a decision, but there’s a very subtle difference between thinking and making a decision.

Thinking can be along the lines of, I’d like to do that, or even I’m going to, both are thoughts but neither one is a decision. You see, a decision is always followed by action. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If there’s no action then it’s only a thought, not a decision. While thinking is very important, it’s the deciding that moves you forward.

Why is it important to know the difference between a thought and a decision? Because so often people think they’ve made a decision, when all they’ve done is thought about what they want to do.

So how do you know that you’ve made a decision?

You see or experience a result from taking an action.

Decision making can be scary because it forces you to commit to an uncertain future, while thinking is an exercise you can do in the safety of your own mind. But, if it’s results you want, then eventually you’re going to have to move from thinking to deciding.

So the next time you’re thinking about doing something, convince yourself to take action, no matter how small, and do so as soon as possible. The more you get used to taking action right after you make a decision, the less time you’ll spend just thinking about doing, and actually doing.