Raj Daniels

What are your default settings?

Manufacturers of products almost always recommend changing the default settings to meet the needs of the environment that the product is being used in. Default settings are used to ensure the product works and can be shipped.

At the core, a default setting is a selection automatically used by a program in the absence of a choice made by the user.

‘The absence of choice by the user.’

What an interesting statement.

I hope it’s obvious that in your case, you are the program and the user.

So when do you really have an absence of choice?

Think about it before answering.

Hopefully, you were honest with yourself and answered ‘never.’

You always have a choice, although you might not always like or agree with your options.

Your default settings are a combination of all the lessons you were taught as a child with your family and the experiences you had with your environment. And your settings may have served you well for a while, but what about now?

If they are serving you well, then carry on.

But if not, then refer back to the absence of choice.

You don’t have an absence of choice.

The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that you always have a choice, even though you might not like the consequences, the more liberated you will begin to feel. Because just the thought of not having choices is stifling to your mind, you feel trapped.

Look, they are your default settings and you can keep, discard or change them as much as you want.

Does it take work?

Absolutely.

Is it worth the effort?

Well, what are your default settings saying to you right now?

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Every a few years you’ll see individual proudly displaying I Voted stickers on their lapels. They’re excited to show that they’ve performed their civic duties by casting their vote for an individual that they deem worthy enough to represent their best interests, an individual that’s closely aligned to their way of thinking.

As you might already know, voting doesn’t only happen at the local, state and federal levels. It also occurs in organizations, schools and, just in case you haven’t realized, it also happens at a personal level.

Now you might be thinking, personal level?

Yes, at a personal level.

You see, when you vote for someone, by pulling a lever, pushing a button, or filling out a ballot, you’re taking an action with the hope that somehow, your life will improve. If this was not the case, then not only you, but no one would vote.

Think about that for a moment?

How does this apply to you at a personal level?

Well, I’m glad you asked.

You see, you’re voting every day. Through your thoughts and actions, you’re voting for the kind of person you want to represent you.

Yes, you’re voting for yourself.

You’re voting for yourself with the hope that you will improve your own life. But at times you forget this is true, and just like in an election, you kind of hope someone else will do it for you. Unfortunately, that rarely happens.

You’ve already been elected to represent yourself. How you choose to think and act are the votes you’ll cast on a consistent basis that will ultimately determine how you govern yourself. Vote wisely.

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You’re almost there.

Where? You might ask.

Well, I’m really not sure.

But I’m sure of one thing.

You’re almost ready to take your next breath.

If you pay attention you can feel it coming on.

You can feel the sweet cold air flowing through your nose and into your lungs, and then the ever so gentle lowering of your ribcage as you exhale.

I can almost feel it with you.

What a beautiful sensation.

How lucky you are to have made it to your next breath

Lucky?

Well, what would have been the other option?

The seemingly simple act of you breathing in and exhaling out is what’s allowing you to experience life. And although each breath should be appreciated and even celebrated, they’re almost all taken for granted.

So why not stop for a moment and just appreciate the next one coming along?

Here, I’ll do it with you.

.

.

.

How did that feel?

Now if you can find a few brief moments during your day to appreciate your breath you’ll find that it’s almost like hitting pause on your day. You can slow down whatever it is that you’re doing just by focusing on your breathing. Another added benefit is that you’ll also experience a sense of calm and centering. This can be especially helpful if you’re experiencing a stressful situation or emotional tumult because with every breath you’ll experience a passing moment, and whatever it is you’re going through will eventually end, and you’ll know that you’re almost there.

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Step aside please; I’m trying to get through.

That’s not me talking; it’s a little voice in your head.

It’s the version of you that’s trying to breakthrough.

At times you’ll find yourself to be your own worst enemy. You’ll find that you sabotage yourself from accomplishing the things you want to, or know you can.

But why do you do this?

Because you’re afraid.

Of what?

Well, it depends.

You might fear that you’ll leave behind the people you love. Or you fear the unknown of the different or new you.

So what do you do?

You stand in your own way.

And then you make excuses to others and to yourself about why you can’t pursue what you want to.

Imagine for a moment what your life could look like if you unlocked your total potential. If you mustered enough courage to pursue at least a few of the things you’re interested in.

Oh, and before you ask. No, I’m not suggesting you abandon your responsibilities and pursue every passion on a whim.

Look, I understand if you’re not ready to totally step aside and get out of your own way because I know that the idea of doing so can be daunting. But at least occasionally give it a try. No one has to know but you, especially if you step aside a little at a time. And eventually you’ll get used to the new you, and so will those around you.

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Every emotion you feel is energy.

It’s energy that starts in your mind and if you pay really close attention you can actually feel it move through your body.

Studies have shown that an emotion only has a life span of about 30 to 90 seconds. That’s probably as long as most adults can hold their breath.

So then why does an emotion seem to last longer?

Because you feed it.

You send energy to the emotion, giving it additional life. And in many cases, just as it begins to subside, you feed it again.

Why do you do this?

Well, I can’t answer that for you, but I can speculate.

You do this because you feel justified in doing so.

Because at some level you’re benefitting from the reward the emotion is giving you.

There’s an old Cherokee parable that illustrates my point beautifully.

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

So which emotions are you going to feed, and for how long?

Fortunately for you, that’s a choice you get to make throughout your day.

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What did you mean when you said…?

May I please have some clarification?

Or, I can just jump to my own conclusion, which may or may not be correct.

When left to one’s own interpretation, the waters of understanding can get murky very quickly.

You see, very often there’s a distinct difference in what’s being said and what you hear. Just to be clear, this is not your fault. It’s just that because of your compounded experiences you’re prone to hear certain things over others, which in turn also leads you to be more sensitive to some words and phrases.

Although good communication should be considered a shared responsibility, rarely is much attention paid to how we communicate. Very few people actually study communication and just assume that they are communicating clearly, and the things they say will be understood or even worse, should be understood by everyone.

But time and time again there’s evidence to the contrary.

That’s why you’ll so often hear, ‘that’s not what I said,’ and ‘that’s not what I meant.’

So how do you weave your way through this minefield of miscommunication?

You suspend your thinking. Or, even better, you hold back your judgement. You assume that the majority of people talking to you have good intentions and are not out to harm or hurt you emotionally.

Sound difficult?

That’s because it is.

But if you think about it long enough you’ll realize that it’s to your benefit to do so. Because when someone says something that hurts you or that you don’t like, it’s you feeling the pain, not them.

So the next time you find yourself in the middle of a misunderstanding over something someone said to you, try not to judge and with all honesty, seek clarification before assuming mal intent. And hopefully, they’ll learn to do the same for you too.

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What can I learn from this?

This one question can save you a lot of heartaches and prepare you for future challenges if you use it well.

When you find yourself at a standoff with another individual because you’re both holding on to your points of view, ask yourself, what can I learn from this? You might be surprised by your response. Your self-inquiry might prompt you to broaden your perspective and allow you to see something you were closed off to before.

You can also use this question when you’re struggling with a personal challenge. Instead of wishing that your problem go away, ask yourself what you can learn from it. This kind of inquiry might prevent you from similar challenges in the future.

Making a practice of asking yourself what you can learn from situations gives you a very active stance in life. It shifts your frame of mind from aggressor or even victim to one of a learner. You become a student of life.

This little act of self-inquiry will help you gain insights from your experiences instead of just letting them wash over you, and you can then use the insights to stock your arsenal of personal information for use in future situations.

So as you go about your day today, keep this question in the forefront of your mind. If you do, you might just find yourself a little smarter and even perhaps a little wiser than you were yesterday.

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The emotions you’re feeling right now are temporary.

Whatever you’re experiencing right now is temporary.

Whether you think it’s good or bad, it’s still temporary.

Rarely are moments that follow each other identical. It’s your response to the moments that make them feel the same.

At times, especially when life gets challenging, it might seem as though you’re mired within a situation that’s unchanging. But the reality is, it’s changing all the time. You’re just stuck playing your old response on a mental loop. I’ll admit it’s difficult to realize this is true, but it is.

Hopefully there will be many times in your life where you’ll experience such immense pleasure, you’ll wish for time to stand still. That the joy you’re experiencing in that moment would never end, but it will. And then, there will be times when you’ll wish just the opposite.

Coming to grips with the fact that moments are changing faster than you can comprehend is both challenging and freeing. Challenging because at times it can be hard to believe that whatever you’re experiencing is temporary. But once you do believe it to be true then you’re free, because you know and realize that how you feel in the next moment is not based on what’s happening around you, but more importantly, how you’re responding to the moment in your mind.

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What does it feel like to worship problems?

To build an alter in your mind to all the things that are inconveniencing or are not going well in your life?

To wake up every day and give your best energy to all that’s wrong in your life?

What if instead you worshiped your blessings?

What if you worked hard on the habit of directing your first precious waking moments to all that’s well in your life?

What would your life look and feel like if the first thought you have every morning is thank you?

It really doesn’t matter what you’re grateful for, just starting with gratitude guarantees that you’ll launch your day in a different direction.

There are those around you that would argue that problems need to be focused on in order for them to be solved, and to some extent I agree with them. But problems come in different flavors, shapes and sizes.

There are the big problems of world hunger and poverty, there are problems you might experience at work and then there are the ones that irritate or inconvenience you.

You know the ones I’m talking about.

The ones that fall in the category of, if everything just went your way then life would be so much easier. These are the problems that tend to be worshipped every day. And the more you direct your mind towards these problems, the more they grow in size, and soon enough they begin to interfere with you seeing all the good things in your life.

How you decide to spend your energy is obviously up to you. However, do keep mind that on a daily basis you have a limited amount of energy and the fuse you light first thing in the morning will tend to burn brighter throughout your day. So, do you want your day to be seared with the heat of your problems, or do you want bask in the glow of gratitude? The choice is yours.

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What kind of person are you?

I’m not referring to your age, blood type, gender, what you do for a living or any other such description. But if you’re confused then let me rephrase the question.

What kind of person do you think you are?

Still a little stuck?

Ok. Then finish this sentence.

I’m the kind of person that is…

Now use whatever adjectives you want and describe yourself.

Are you playing along?

I hope so, because this little exercise might just change your life.

You see, the words you use to describe yourself will begin to determine many of your outcomes in life. Since this might sound a little vague, I’ll give you a more solid example.

If you heard someone say this phrase, ‘I’m the kind of person that’s healthy.’ How would you expect to see that person behaving? You might see them make wise choices regarding food, or perhaps engage in an exercise program, or any other number of things that would align with their image of personal health.

When you set goals or desire particular outcomes in life it’s easy to get derailed because of the amount of effort it takes to stay focused and on track. But if you begin to align your identity with the outcome you’re seeking then it helps remove some of the will power required to achieve a goal. Think of your personal statement of, ‘I’m the kind of person that,’ as checkpoint on a journey. Every so often when you veer of course you can use your personal statement as way to get back on track.

Try it today. If you have a life goal or something else you want to accomplish, then create a statement for yourself describing the kind of person you would have to be in order to achieve it. Now use this phrase daily to remind you of the person you have to be in order to get there.

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Why they said it?

Why they did it?

You’ll never know their reality.

You might think you do, but you don’t.

You might have some insight in to why they do the things they do, but your insight is barely a sliver when compared to their entire being.

Trying to figure out in your mind why a person behaved a certain way is almost impossible. Yes, if you have excellent intuition or even professional training then you might be able to get close knowing, but in most cases you’re just guessing in the dark. And even worse, you’re making up a story in your own head about why they behaved the way they did.

Why is this important to know?

Because it’s human nature.

We need to know why something happened because it makes it easier for us to digest and come to terms with. People don’t like open loops and ambiguity, so when all the answers aren’t clear, the mind starts making them up. And this is where things can get slippery because this is where the guessing starts.

The next time you find yourself attempting to speculate why a person behaved in a way that left you confused, remind yourself that ultimately you’ll never really know the real answer. Just like they’ll never ever really know why you behave the way you do.

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When’s the best time to take care of yourself?

How about now?

No time?

How about five minutes?

What if you committed five minutes out of every waking hour to take care of yourself?

Five minutes of stretching.

Five minutes of deep breathing.

Five minutes of walking.

Five minutes of dreaming.

Look, the truth is that rarely is any individual so busy that every minute of every hour is spoken for. So why don’t you capture some of your minutes that aren’t already committed and invest them in yourself?

Come on. Five minutes is less than ten percent of an hour.

You’re worth at least that, aren’t you?

If you don’t believe that your health and well-being is important now, then when will you?

Take a stand for yourself today.

Set an alarm if you have to.

Put a stake in the ground today and commit five minutes of every hour for yourself.

Try it for a few days and see how you feel. If after a week or so you’re not feeling any different, then you can always go back to taking no time for yourself.

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What brings you joy?

What makes you light up just by thinking about it?

What’s the thing you’d do all the time if you could?

Whatever it is for you, find time to do it every day. And if you really can’t find time to do it every day, then at least think about it. Let your mind and body experience the feeling it brings, essentially run your own simulation.

If you feel that you don’t have any such thing then I suggest you dig deeper, or you explore wider. Somewhere out there you’ll encounter a thing that elicits a smile when you think about it. Maybe not a full out grin on your face, but you’ll feel your mind glow.

Dedicate time to finding the thing that lights you up and you will find that it will pay off exponentially. The times when you’re having a difficult day or things are a little askew in your life, you can lean on the thing that gives you joy to change your emotional state.

So commit to yourself that today or at least this week you’ll spend time on doing something that brings you joy, and if you don’t have any such thing then commit to exploring and experimenting until you find something that does.

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The incoming call.

The unread email.

The next person you speak to.

All day long you’re evaluating whether the things you hear and see are good or bad, but what if they’re neither?

What if they just are?

What if it’s you giving meaning to the things you hear and see that are making them feel and sound good or bad?

Sorting things in to good news and bad news works well because it allows you to categorize your thinking, it makes life easier for you. Once you’ve categorized something as good or bad then you can build an entire story around it before you gain any more information.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.

This short story illustrates that all though you might think something is good or bad at the time you first hear or see it, you never really know how it will eventually play out. So as you’re going through your day and judging events as good news and bad news, be aware that quite often the things you hear and see are only worth the value you place upon them in your mind.

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Be somewhere else right now.

Go ahead, give it a try.

Squeeze your eyes shut.

Clench your teeth.

Close your hands and tighten your fists.

Did it work?

Were you able to be in two places at the same time?

If you can accomplish such a feat then you’re an exception to every other living mortal and should call the national news station, because you’re about to be famous.

However, if you’re not able to be in two places at the same time then welcome to life like the rest of us.

No matter how much you might desire to be somewhere else in any given moment, it won’t happen. So what are your choices about the moment you’re in?

Well, besides acceptance of that moment, what else is there?

Now you can accept the moment begrudgingly, fighting it with every ounce of your being, or you can accept it for what it is. All that moment is made of is you occupying a space for a measured amount of time.

How you look upon that amount of time is up to you.

Simple enough right?

Of course not.

Or is it?

Your approach to the moment you’re in is up to you. You can be frustrated, impatient, or accept the moment for what it is. This doesn’t mean you relinquish responsibility for your life or live a passively. On a holistic level you can still gather and focus all your talent and energy to move you towards whatever you want to do, but being frustrated with a moment because you desire it to be different is… Well, I’ll leave it open for you to decide what it is.

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What are you saying to yourself right now?

Yes, even while you’re reading this there’s a little voice in your head speaking to you.

If you pay attention for a moment you’ll hear it loud and clear. The problem is that even if you don’t pay attention, it’s still speaking and you’re still listening. It goes on and on, blah, blah, blah, rarely stopping to take a breath.

Is your inner voice supportive, or is it one of your biggest doubters?

Is your inner voice kind to you, or is it constantly pointing out your flaws and mistakes you make?

Is your inner voice your friend?

Remember, you’re always listening to your inner voice, so wouldn’t it be nice it were an ally and not an enemy?

So how do you make it an ally?

Practice.

Sounds simple enough, but practice is a very deceptive word. Practice is not a sometimes or one and done activity, it means all the time.

Are you willing to commit to saying kind things to yourself all the time?

Okay, if not all the time then at least most of the time?

Are you hesitant?

Look, if you speak to almost any person that’s world class in their field, you’ll hear them say that they believe in themselves. They motivate themselves. They raise their game and their standards by speaking to themselves in a positive voice.

So why not try to do the same for yourself?

Try it today. Say kind words to yourself and lift yourself up. Be your own best friend, just for today and see how it makes you feel.  What do you have to lose? If you find it doesn’t work for you and that you’re not enjoying it, you can always go back to being unkind to yourself tomorrow.

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