Raj Daniels

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Well, are you?

What is your flaw or vulnerability that you’re hiding?

If you let it, shame can play a debilitating role in your life.  And the sad thing about shame is that if you suffer from it, there’s a great likelihood that it was placed up on you when you were a child and you’ve carried it ever since.

Shame has been used as a weapon to protect the status quo. Shame is also used to control and manipulate, because the tribe says ‘if you embarrass us then there’s a danger we’ll disown you and then you’ll be alone.’

People will use shame in an attempt to control you because it provides them with safety and security, don’t let them. They will threaten to withhold their emotions if you don’t comply with their shaming, and this will be difficult for you, but try to keep in mind that this says more about them and their insecurities than about you.

Escaping shame is extremely difficult because it takes deep resolve and an exposure to vulnerability. It requires you to believe that it’s okay to have flaws, and that everyone does, some are just better at hiding them than others.

If you find yourself being victimized by shame, commit to fighting against it. Don’t live to be but a shadow of your true self that’s living behind a curtain of shame.

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Can I have a raise?

No!

Will you go out with me?

No!

Can I get a better deal?

No!

Will you buy from me?

No!

Can I try again?

No!

Can I leave early?

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

How do you feel when you’re told no?

Do you feel rejected, dejected, perhaps even a little less worthy?

What if you didn’t have to feel this way?

Fearing no is not entirely your fault. According to experts the average toddler hears the word no about 400 times a day. That’s a lot of no’s. Now a few young ones are able to push past or endure the constant barrage of no’s, but for the majority, the no becomes the invisible electric fence often used on animals. They develop an internal Pavlovian response, they just stop asking.

What if you could convince yourself when you hear the word no, it’s actually an opportunity?

Well you can, but first you have to remove your ‘self’ from the situation. What I mean by your ‘self’ is essentially your ego. When you hear no, it’s not always about you. Most rejections aren’t about you in the way you think they are. They’re just a story you tell yourself, and you can choose to stop repeating it. You can choose to stop listening.

You can choose to view a no as an opportunity or a permanent setback. You can choose to have resolve and use the no as motivation, or decide that it’s not worth pushing forward. Many times the difference between those who get what they want and those that don’t, is that former have come to an understanding that no’s are just obstacles they will have to overcome in order achieve their goals.

How you see a no is entirely up to you, but just keep in mind that when you hear a no, you haven’t really lost anything and there are always other opportunities out there just waiting to say yes.

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Are you familiar with the Goldilocks Zone?

If you are then good for you because you know your astronomy, if not then don’t worry, here’s a brief definition. “The Goldilocks Zone refers to the habitable zone around a star where the temperature is just right – not too hot and not too cold – for liquid water to exist on a planet.”

According to scientists, as long as we’re living on earth, we are living in the Goldilocks Zone. Imagine for a moment just how much perfection had to occur in the galaxy for the earth to be a habitable planet. I mean first of all you have this solid orb just suspended in essentially nothing and now it has life on it. It really had to be ‘just right.’

Right now you might be asking, so what?

Well, I’m glad you did.

If we played out the number of ‘just right’ occurrences that had to happen for you to be reading this right now, I’d venture to guess it would have to be in billions. That’s right, billions of almost perfect events for you to exist in this very moment. Now if that doesn’t sound miraculous then I’m not sure what does.

I know it might not always seem as though you’re not just right, or things aren’t just right, but that’s because your mind has the incredible power telling stories and of living in the past and future. But if you could just pause that thought process for a moment, you’ll realize that right now is just right. And you’re just right, living the in Goldilocks Zone.

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What active steps do you take to prevent your mind from being bogged down in the daily monotony of routines?

What do you do to free your mind?

Continuously feeding your mind information doesn’t provide it an opportunity to digest and really think about all that it’s consuming.

Stepping away from daily life activities for just a few minutes a day can provide your mind a brief burst of fresh air that it can use to reset and refresh itself. One of the best ways to free your mind is to build some slack in to your schedule. Actively scheduling slack or downtime in to your schedule doesn’t mean you have to step away for hours or days, a few planned minutes a day can do wonders for your creativity and enthusiasm.

Meditation is a great tool for relaxing and freeing your mind, but if it’s not for you then you can do a simple short breathing exercise, doodle, take a short nap, or even just look out of a window for a few minutes. You can choose to do whatever technique suits you best to give your mind just a little relaxation.

If you’re familiar with history then you’ve probably heard that many of the greatest eureka moments didn’t occur while engaged and engrossed in consuming information, they occurred when the individual stepped away and freed their mind. So schedule some time to free your mind, who knows, you might have your own eureka moment too.

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What was the last fun project you worked on?

If you’re like most people then you probably only work on projects that are necessary and not just for fun.

But who has time for fun projects?

Well, I’d venture to guess that you do, but your time is probably spent elsewhere.

Now, I’m not suggesting you build a life size model dinosaur, unless of course you want to. No, what I’m suggesting is that you make or build something small. Something you can put your name to and say, I built that. Not for a sense of pride, although nothing wrong with having pride in your work, more for a sense of accomplishment.

In today’s world of knowledge work, rarely do you experience the satisfaction of making something tangible; expect of course if it’s your job to do so.

Humans were designed to be builders and makers, but because you can now purchase anything you want to, there is very little reason to make or build anything of your own.

As I said earlier, you don’t have to start with something big and complicated; it can be as simple as a small paper origami project, just something to get your dormant natural builder synapses firing again. So, carve out an hour or two for yourself this week, fire up your creativity and use your hands to build something. Who knows, you might just end up building that giant dinosaur after all.

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Show me an emotion or feeling you have that lives outside of you?

Sounds a little silly doesn’t it?

Well, have you ever found yourself saying something to the effect of, you made me so, (insert emotion here)?

There really is no ‘you make me.’

The reality is you make you.  The emotion comes from inside you. Your emotion is YOUR reaction to the situation. Once you own that little piece of reality, your entire experience of life can change.

Is this difficult to do?

Absolutely!

But well worth practicing, because if you don’t then your emotions will be just like a loose kite, buffeted by every gust of wind that comes your way.

I’m not saying that you should be unemotional, in fact quite the opposite. Express your emotions at will but don’t let your emotions rely on the behavior of another person because if you do, then not only have you given away your power, but you’ve also become a hostage to their behavior.

Not responding to every external request on your emotions is challenging and might even seem impossible at first. But as time goes by you’ll find that even though you might initially respond to a situation emotionally, you’ll be able quickly reel back your emotion when it’s not serving you well.

Every emotion you experience belongs to you. You own it and have the power to decide when and how you’ll use it. So the next time you catch yourself saying, ‘you make me so,’ pause for a moment and remind yourself that, ‘you make you.’

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What happened?

What’s happening?

What’s going to happen?

In which of these three questions do you spend most of your thinking time?

Are you evenly split between all three or do you find yourself favoring one or more over the other?

If you’re like the majority of people then although you’re physically present in the ‘what’s happening,’ your mind is either in the ‘what happened or what’s going to happen,’ questions. Your mind is in the past and future because it loves to reminisce and also tell stories. The problem with this is we as humans are notoriously bad at recalling what exactly happened in the past and then we use unreliable, skewed information to try and predict the future.

Studies have shown over and over again that even the most astute individuals, experts in their fields with access to endless amounts if information, tend to incorrectly predict the future. In many cases they’re just like you, creating fiction about what might happen.

So, if the past can’t be changed and future can’t accurately be predicted then what would it look like if you spent more time with your body in the present?

Being present in the what’s happening now can be challenging because, in all honesty, it can seem boring compared to the stories about what happened or what’s going to happen, and that’s why your mind wanders of in to the past and future. But being present can be a very powerful tool, because it can help relieve remorse and anxiety.

Dwelling the past or thinking about the future are natural tendencies and humans have been blessed with these capabilities, but they don’t always serve you well. And it’s in the times that they are not serving you well that you should focus your attention on the present.

The next time you find yourself caught up in the ‘what happened’ or ‘what’s going to happen’ thought cycles and you begin to feel anxious or overwhelmed, bring yourself back to where you are. Focus on being exactly where your body is and stay with the ‘what’s happening now.’

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Let’s play a game.

Imagine for a moment you have a magic wand and with one quick flick of your wrist you could change how you feel. Or to an even greater extent, become a totally different person.

Not possible?

If that’s what you think then you’re correct and you can stop reading right here.

But, if you do believe it’s possible then continue on.

There have been countless studies and research on the subject of the placebo effect, where essentially people with real medical conditions have been given fake treatments, and yet they have convinced themselves that the medicine is real and their ailments have been cured. They changed how they physically felt based on what they believe about an external stimulus.

If a person can change how they feel and actually be cured of an ailment via an external stimulus then why not an internal stimulus?

Well, they can.

Every time you pretend to have an attitude, which is your internal stimulus, and then go through the motions, you trigger emotions that create and strengthen the attitude you wish to develop. Your pretending is your magic wand. However, unlike the fictional wand of fairy tales, you actually have to do a little more work. You have to tailor your mental and physical environment to remind of the person you want to become.

Once you setup continuous reminders of the person you want to become then your attitude and emotions begin to align with the behaviors you want to adopt. Like actors and kids, you too can pretend to be and feel however you want, and if you stay at it long enough, you might just become the person you want to be.

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What do you consider to be unrealistic?

If you said nothing, then I’m preaching to the choir, which of course makes life a lot easier for me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you.

You see, I’ve had the great fortune of meeting with a many people from all walks of life and a common theme that keeps showing up is their desire for a meaningful life. When I press the subject of how they would define a meaningful life they explain how they want to do great or wonderful things for themselves and also very often for their families and communities.

Almost all of them are seeking a level of extraordinary experiences in their lives, but yet, they temper their extraordinary with ‘keeping it realistic.’ Extraordinary and realistic are competing thoughts. Extraordinary doesn’t live in the same realm as realistic. Extraordinary can only be found and experienced when you move beyond what is considered to be realistic.

You, yourself have probably heard someone that’s accomplished a great challenge or goal in their life say something along the lines of ‘I never imagined, or this is beyond my wildest dreams.’ They say this because whatever they’ve accomplished is beyond the scope of what they thought was their reality. The awe and surprise comes from their unrealistic experience.

Being unrealistic doesn’t necessarily mean you have to defy the laws of physics by doing something like walking on water, although if you do accomplish such a feat then wonderful for you. It means the next time you find yourself wanting to do or experience something outside of your current reality or other people’s version of reality; you suspend your doubts and move towards being unrealistic.

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What is the value of X?

I can hear your brain churning away asking X what?

So I’ll make it a little easier.

Okay, now what is the value of X?

2x + 10 = 30

If you’ve had any experience with elementary algebra then you know the answer is x=10.

Why was determining the value of x in the equation easier than the open ended ‘what is the value of x’ question?

Well, it’s because in the first question you had no knowns, and in the equation you had a combination of knowns and unknowns. So using your power of deduction and hopefully some elementary math you were able to come up with the correct answer.

Life is very similar to an algebraic equation. When you’re attempting solve any problem you can first determine your knowns and unknowns. Obviously working with knowns makes it easier than unknowns because you have a clue as to where to start. However, when all you’re working with is unknowns, then you have to develop a hypothesis of what you think might happen and then essentially keep experimenting until you find answer that works for you.

So the next time you encounter a challenge or problem that you’re trying to solve, first identify all the knowns, existing information.  Once you’ve gathered enough information to give you a good starting point, then you can go to work solving for X.

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Sorry, that’s incorrect.

You lose.

You’re disqualified.

You’ve been rejected.

We’re not interested.

You’re fired.

You didn’t make it.

No, that won’t work for us.

Pass.

No thank you.

You’re not what we’re looking for.

You didn’t get the part.

We chose somebody else.

These are just a few of the phrases I could think of that represent failures and rejections, but I’m sure there many more. And I can honestly tell you that if you don’t experience any of these then you’re probably not trying anything.

Do these failures and rejections sting when you hear them? Absolutely!

You’d have to be some kind of emotionless machine for them not to hurt at least a little. Nobody likes to hear or feel as though they’re not good enough.

The question is, how will you respond when you hear them?

Will you take some time to heal your wounds and then rise up to the next challenge? Or will you decide not to pursue anything ever again. Will you in essence, reject yourself?

Failure and rejection can be difficult to deal with, but you can also train yourself to change your perspective and view them as learning opportunities. This is not easy, but absolutely achievable.

A perfect example is athletes and sports teams. Could you imagine if an athlete or team lost an event or game and decided that they’d never play again? Sounds a little ridiculous when you hear it, but all life is, is a series of events.

Of course some events in life are more important than others, but those too can be viewed as learning opportunities, almost like a training ground for you to build resilience against failure and rejection.

So the next time you experience failure or rejection, view it not as a personal downfall, but an opportunity to for self-reflection. First and foremost, commend yourself for at least having the courage to try, and then go out and find your next challenge.

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How does it feel when you’re criticized?

Or, when you’re reminded of your errors in judgement, flaws and mistakes?

It probably stings a little, or maybe even worse, it reminds you that you’re not perfect.

Failures, errors in judgement, mistakes are all part of being human and I’ll bet it’s almost impossible to find a person that hasn’t experienced at least one if not all three of these during the course of their life.

The interesting thing is that when someone else makes an error or mistake it’s easier to point out how they could have foreseen their error because it’s not how you would have done it. But that’s just it, they’re not you, and although it might look like you’re experiencing the world in similar ways, you’re not.

Criticizing and pointing out someone else’s mistake is easy because you are a spectator to, and not a participant in their life. And they too are only spectators to your life. So what would it look like if when errors and mistakes are made, grace and forgiveness were deployed instead of criticism and outrage?

Keep in mind that almost no one sets out to intentionally make mistakes, but for whatever reason, they do occur. Lapses in judgment, situational thinking, personal history and a number of other reasons are why errors and mistakes are made. This applies to others and you too.

So the next time you see someone make an error in judgment or slip up, remember, we all live in glass houses, and it’s just a matter of time before you do the same too.

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Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Read the previous line again.

Now stop for a moment and think about it.

What is it you plan to do?

How often do you spend time thinking about your life? Not in a way where you get caught up in what happened in the past or what’s currently top of mind, but instead, sitting and digging deep into the kind of life you want to live.

Making the switch from living reactive to proactive is entirely possible at any age. And yes, there will be times when due to unplanned events you will have to be reactive, but what if that was exception and not the rule?

In fact, planning can also help you with the unplanned. Yes, I know it sounds contradictory, but hear me out. What if you could decide ahead of time how you’d respond to the some of the surprises in life? And yes there are always exceptions, and usually it’s not the good surprises that tend to bother you, so essentially you only need to have a plan for how you would respond to some of the unpleasant situations that are inevitable in life.

You don’t need to spend days or even weeks planning, unless of course you enjoy doing so. Even a few minutes a day can be helpful. It can be that little nudge you need to keep you on track towards the kind of life you want to live.

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If you had to, how would you?

I don’t remember where I heard it, but I love this question.

This question presupposes nothing.

It’s the one of the best questions you should ask yourself if you ever have an idea to do something but don’t know where to start.

It’s the perfect question to get you unstuck.

It’s the key to all possibilities.

It removes all aspects of professionalism or perfection.

It works in every situation.

You can take this question and lay it over any biography you’ve read, or any life story you’ve heard about an accomplished individual and somewhere buried in the story you’ll find some version of this question.

You might have hear it said as, “I didn’t know where to start, but just started,” or “I just had to do something,” and many more.

This is the question that leads to the non-expert individual that finds the cure for a disease, or the non-technical person that designs a mind blowing machine.

This is the question you can use to find your first step in any endeavor.

You see, what you do when you ask yourself this question is that you back your mind in to a corner and now it’s going to muster all its resources to find a way to get out.

If you find yourself up against a situation you’re struggling with, ask yourself this question and then write down every answer that comes to mind. No editing, just writing. Let your mind flow, and watch the answers pour out.

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What’s the thing you know you should do today?

The thing that you know if you did on a consistent basis would change your life.

But, for whatever reason, you say ‘not today.’

Because today you’re busy, not well, have other priorities, whatever the reason, you convince yourself that you’ll do it tomorrow.

The problem is, if you don’t do it today, it will be easier to not do it tomorrow. The reason for this is you don’t see the crack forming between the person you want to be and the person you’re becoming until it becomes a chasm. And getting across the chasm, although possible, requires much more effort.

Today might not be the perfect day to do the thing you need to do, but at least give it a shot. Try it, start it, show up for it. Get your brain primed for it. Perfect days are few and far between, and you only know they’re perfect in hindsight.

So whatever the thing is you know you need to do that’s going to move you towards the person you want to be, do it now. Ask yourself, what would future me have to do today to be the person I want to be?

Embody the future you today. because if not today, then when?

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On one hand you could do this.

On the other hand you could do that.

But what about the third hand?

Well that one is wide open with possibility.

Often what looks like limited choices is an illusion. Limited choices are easier for your brain to deal with but limit your other options.

When you find yourself in a position where you’re being asked to decide between limited options, learn to ask why?  You see, many times when you’re presented with limited options, it’s because it’s easier or more convenient for the person presenting you with the options, not because there isn’t more available.

Asking what else is there? Moves you beyond your current constraints, it expands your mental universe. And the interesting thing is that when you ask your brain to look for other options, it will begin to do so. Now you might not always find other choices you like, or you might settle on one of your original options, but at least you made the effort to explore.

Getting in the habit of looking outside of what’s readily available not only increases your options but can also move you to be more creative. Of course, if the decisions you need to make are trivial and the outcomes will not materially affect your life, then feel free to choose from the first or second hand and leave the third hand for other decisions.

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What is your personal scheduled maintenance plan?

Your car, home and even some of your appliances and devices have scheduled maintenance programs and requirements that enable them to last longer and even more important, provide you with the best performance.

If scheduled maintenance is important for inanimate objects, doesn’t it make sense that you too should have a personal maintenance schedule?

Your body and mind are experiencing stress on a daily basis and if not cared for properly will eventually break down. Or even worse than breaking down, they will begin to perform poorly. At first you may not notice, because it will happen slowly. Then one day, you’ll wake up to find yourself unable to perform even simple mental and physical tasks.

Taking in to account that there’s always the unfortunate accident or illness caused by factors outside of your control, there’s a lot you can do to maintain a level of well-being for yourself. And it doesn’t take much. You don’t have to spend hours in the gym or partake in extreme diets to ensure a good physical health. You also don’t have to trek to a top of a mountain to achieve mental peace, unless of course you want to.

A few scheduled minutes of mental and physical exercise a day in conjunction with a relatively healthy diet is all you really need. Nothing extreme, because in most cases, extreme is unsustainable.

Schedule a maintenance plan for yourself. Put it in your calendar so that you’re reminded on a continuous basis that you need to take care of yourself. Who knows, if you do this long enough, you might just outlast and outperform your appliances?

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Couldn’t be better.

Good.

Fantastic.

Fine.

Wonderful.

These and more are the responses you’ll get most often when you ask the question, how’s it going?

Welcome to the masquerade party.

The party where so many are wearing masks because they fear being vulnerable. They fear being judged or ridiculed. They fear what you might think of them.

So how do you get past the mask to the real person?

You take of your own mask.

You share what you’re going through. You share your hardships, your struggles, your story, you reveal your humanity. You expose your own vulnerabilities.

This doesn’t mean you walk around sharing and telling all your deepest darkest fears and secrets to everyone, but it does mean that when appropriate, you share.

The more you interact with people the more you’ll realize that so many lives are being held together with duct tape and prayers. And behind the thin veneer of the, I’m fine and things are good responses, people are experiencing some of the same concerns as you, and much more.

Masquerade parties can be fun, but after some time all the masks and not knowing who’s behind them gets old and tiring. Eventually you’re ready to take of your mask and see who’s behind all the other masks, but no one wants to go first. No one wants to be the first one not wearing a mask.

The same holds true in life. If you don’t occasionally take of your mask, then you will not make a safe space for the other person to take of their mask too, therefore limiting the opportunity for you both to really create a meaningful connection.

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What’s the kindest thing you’ll do today?

Have you already decided or will you leave it up to chance?

If you leave it to chance then you may or may not get the opportunity to be kind, however if you plan it in advance then the likelihood of it happening is much greater.

What if you scheduled kindness in to your day just like you would a meeting, meal or any other activity you do according to your schedule?

I recently read about a person that puts a yellow sticky note on his computer that says ‘introduce two people.’ He assigns himself this task prior to getting any personal work done. To him it’s just like brushing his teeth or any other regular task.

Now for you it doesn’t have to be a super complicated act of kindness, in fact, many a time a simple gesture or kind word can go a long way. And if you’re really pressed for time then even a kind thought about another person can be a great place to start.

Imagine what the world would like if we all added an act of kindness to our daily to dos. Billions of people actively looking for opportunities to be kind could really change the world.

By the way, if you’re still on the fence and are not sure about committing to a daily act of kindness then this might sway you.  According to research, being kind to others boosts your serotonin, the neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of satisfaction and well-being. So there’s a selfish reason for you to be kind too.

Give it a shot.

Add kindness to your daily to do list.

What have you got to lose?

If you don’t experience or see any changes in your life or the lives of people around you, then you can always take it off your schedule and go back to leaving kindness to chance.

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How much baggage did you carry with you the last time you travelled?

Whatever the mode of transportation, there is always an additional cost for excess baggage, because the vehicle transporting the baggage has to expend more energy to carry the additional load.

You operate in a very similar manner. You will spend more energy if you’re trying to operate while carrying excess emotional baggage.

Your emotional baggage will be one of your biggest obstacles as you move through life.

Everyone carries some amount of emotional baggage and unfortunately there are those among us that have suffered terrible injustices and trauma that cause them to be emotionally scarred for life. However, there are many examples of such individuals that have been able to move on and have had wonderful productive lives. And they’ve been able overcome or deal with their trauma through a variety of personal and professional coping mechanisms.

One of the most popular methods taught by professionals to individuals that have suffered trauma is to explain and teach them that whatever happened to them should not define them. And that although difficult they can over time learn to diminish the memory of their previous experience by changing their perspective.

I’m not proposing that your emotional baggage is trivial, not real or justified, what am suggesting is that you learn to put it down. You too can seek professional help or teach yourself how to change your perspective on your previous negative experiences that are holding you back or interfering negatively with your relationships.

It’s not easy, but you can make the decision that you’re no longer going to spend additional energy carrying your emotional baggage in to every new experience.

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