Raj Daniels

Have you ever met the vacation version of you?

If you have, then you know exactly who I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the version of you that is able to express beyond your usual inhibitions, the version of you that’s maybe a little, or in some cases a lot more adventurous than the everyday version of you. The version of you that’s willing to try new things or speak and interact with new people without hesitation.

Now why is there a difference between the vacation version of you and the everyday version of you?

Because the vacation version of you isn’t bound by the same environment as the normal version of you, it’s almost as though the vacation version has escaped gravity.  Even though technically you’re the same you, you’re able to act and be different. You’re your own version of Jekyll and Hyde.

Now why can’t you summon up the vacation you on demand?

I’m sure you can, but you probably don’t think it’s appropriate to act as though you’re on vacation when you’re not.

And you’re correct. That is if you’re doing it all the time.

But occasionally?

You have access to all kinds of personalities and roles within you, and once in a while changing up who you are allows you to have different experiences. Now this is not a call to abdicate responsibility, it’s just a suggestion that every so often, allow vacation you to show up during normal you time, and enjoy the shift in your experiences and perspective.

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When was the last time you knowingly conducted an experiment?

I say knowingly because you’re conducting micro-experiments more frequently than you think you are.

Unfortunately, too often and mistakenly so, the idea of experiments are relegated to the world of science or they are thought of as something only children and young adults do.

But that’s a mistake.

Life can and dare I say, should be viewed as a set of ongoing experiments. And since you’re already conducting experiments informally then why not add some rigor to your process?

But how you ask?

Well, let me help you out.

The scientific method is one of the most popular ways to officially conduct an experiment and can be a great guide for you to start with.

Step 1- Question -The thing you want to know or to happen.

Step 2-Research – Here you gather information about things that are already known about your topic.

Step 3-Hypothesis – What do you think will happen during or at the end of your experiment?

Step 4-Experiment – Conduct your experiment.

Step 5-Observations – Collect data and information from your experiment.

Step 6-Results/Conclusion – What you learned by conducting your experiment.

These steps are not carved in stone and aren’t the only method to conduct experiments, but they are a great starting point.

Choose an area of your life that you’ve struggled with, or are open to changing and apply a formal experiment process. What you learn about yourself might surprise you. And of course you don’t have to share with anyone that you’re conducting an experiment. We can just keep that between us.

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P.P.S. Thank you to the friend that reminded me that my blog experiment recently surpassed 100,000 words.

What’s your first conscious thought when you wake up?

Is your brain already cycling through your to do list?

Have you already moved in to full anxiety mode and you’re concerning yourself over things that haven’t occurred yet?

Are you ruminating over a past event or incident?

Are you detesting or embracing the new day?

If you’ve recently experienced a traumatizing event or are under an extraordinary amount of stress due to a unique situation then controlling your morning emotions and thoughts can be extremely challenging. But if it’s just another day in the life of you, then your waking moments present you with a wonderful opportunity.

The first few moments of your day might be the only time when no outside forces are making immediate demands of your time. Upon awakening, as you lay there adjusting to the new day you have an almost perfect opportunity to express, and experience a sense of gratitude for all that you have. You have the opportunity to think kind loving thoughts about yourself and those close to you. You have the opportunity to direct the first conscious thoughts of your day.

The act of waking up can be beautiful. The transition from a death like slumber to life is a very tender moment and should be held in high regard. I’m not saying you should deny or ignore any real feelings or situations that you’re experiencing, what I am suggesting is that you put them on hold, just for a few waking moments.

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When was the last time you experienced change in your life?

If you said right now then you are correct.

As you read this, cells in your body are continuously changing. They are growing, degrading and even dying; it’s just that you can’t feel it happening.

The range at which change occurs is between the speed of light and at a glacial pace. And just like the cells in your body, you rarely experience either end of the vast change spectrum.

Things that might appear solid or even permanent are also undergoing change, there’s decay, entropy and growth taking place right in front of your eyes, yet it’s not visible to you.

Change is essentially another word for impermanence. And life is impermanent.

Anything that you’re experiencing right now is not permanent, although right now it might feel as though it is. The joy, the stress, the experience of any moment, is fleeting. However, it’s just human nature to want to hold on to the joyous moments and squeeze them for all they have, and rush to escape and avoid the stress.

Avoiding change is impossible and is a fool’s errand. Learning to cope with change is a much better strategy. One way to cope with sudden, unwanted change is to evaluate the situation and identify the aspects that you can control. Finding a few good footholds you can rely on to provide you support while you endure the change is one strategy that can help you work through unwelcome change.

Change is the ultimate surprise package. It’s the one thing that doesn’t last yet happens forever. Learning to handle and work with change is a skill that will serve you well for a lifetime of change.

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How often do you set your intentions for your day?

Now I understand that you can’t foresee everything that’s going to happen during your day, but you can still start your day with a thought or two that will prime your mind for your day.

Setting intentions for yourself when you start your day allows you to choose where your attention will be focused throughout the day. Now some might argue that if you select where you focus then you’re biasing your outlook, and I would happily agree with them. The question I would have for them is, would you rather bias your own outlook or have external forces do it for you?

Setting intentions can in certain situations shift you from being reactive to proactive. For example, if you set out today with the intention of doing, let’s say three good deeds, then your mind will look for opportunities to execute those deeds. Now we’re not measuring the size of the deed here, just the act of doing.

Setting your intentions at the beginning of your day provides you with a north star for your attention. It provides you with a little bit of clarity amongst all the unpredictable things that can occur throughout your day. Again, setting an intention is not to preempt your natural emotions or reactions, it’s to provide you with opportunities for action.

Ultimately, your collective intentions are the scaffold upon which you build your life, and as it has been so eloquently said, your life is a collection of your days. So set an intention or two when you start your day and begin to build the framework for your life.

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How much time do you spend shopping?

Not consuming, but just browsing, looking at, being sold too.

Here’s a brief timeline of how shopping evolved.

Farms.

Door to door.

Bazaars and markets.

Stores.

Catalogues with home delivery. The first time you could browse and have it delivered.

Malls and shopping centers. When you had to physically go to see what was available.

And now, there’s 24 hour access. Not only for you to shop, but for the sellers to access your mind.

As long as you’re interacting with almost any digital platform you’re being sold to. Even if you don’t need anything you’re being reminded or told that you do.

You’re on an endless cycle of being sold to. And being in a state of constant consumption is eroding our collective minds. A continuous consumption mindset not only increases financial pressures, but perhaps even more importantly, it consumes so much of your attention.

Right now as you read this you are looking at a block of text that doesn’t have any advertising aimed at you. Nothing reminding you that you could or should be either purchasing or consider purchasing one more thing. In fact this might be the only thing you read today that doesn’t show you an ad, or collect your information to sell to an advertiser so that they can sell you something in the future.

However, there is some hypocrisy in my writing, because I too am trying to sell you. I’m attempting to sell you on the concept of stop being continuously sold to.

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10 Steps to achieve anything

Okay.

Ready.

Here they are.

1. Do something
2. Learn from it
3. Do something
4. Learn from it

Are you sensing a pattern?

5. Do something
6. Learn from it

Do you think you have the hang of it?

Only 4 steps left.

7. Do something
8. Learn from it
9. Do something

And you guessed it.

10. Learn from it

That’s it!

You did it!

Congratulations!

You can now accomplish anything you set out to do.

Wait!

You didn’t think I was actually going to give you the steps.

Or did you?

The fact is I hardly know you.

So how would I know what would work for you?

Every time you read a 3 steps to X or a 5 easy steps to Y guide, you’re essentially following the same guidelines as the one I just wrote for you.

Rarely is life cut out in to a neat step by step process that works for everyone, yet the demand for a step by step process to achieve goals and accomplish things is extremely high.

Why?

Because it’s easier than ambiguity.

The hard truth is that for almost anything you’re going to achieve in life you’re going to have to figure it out yourself. Yes, there are unlimited resources that you can find to help you along the way but it’s always going to boil down to step one, do something, step two, learn from it, and then of course do something.

Depending on what you’re trying to accomplish, sometimes there might only be 2 steps and at other times there might be an unlimited amount, ultimately it’s going to boil down to you, taking step by step.

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How quickly do you slip into self-protection mode?

If you’re not sure what self-protection is then let me help you, it’s the opposite of self-exposure. Essentially, self-protection is defense and self-exposure is vulnerability. If you’ve ever allowed yourself to share your true feelings with another person then you’re operating under self-exposure.

As a child your emotional distance between these two states usually starts out as being very wide, but as you move through life in to adulthood, the distance narrows based on your experiences.

When you’re in self-protection mode then you’re always looking for danger or threats. And this danger can be real or perceived. You feel as though people and situations are always out to get you and this feeling causes you to close up and become emotionally inaccessible.

One of the most detrimental effects of self-protection mode is disconnection between you and others, and the reason it’s bad for you is that we as a species are designed for connection.

Letting go of being in a self-protection mode can be difficult, especially if based on your previous experiences you feel as though it has served you well. And it might have, but it also has you in state of constant mental defense. It sets up emotional boundaries that doesn’t let others in, but also doesn’t let you out.

Moving from operating under a self-protection mode to self-exposure can be a difficult transition to make but doing so will allow you to experience deeper and more fuller relationships.

Vulnerability is hard and emotionally risky, and self-protection can appear to be the safe route to take. But it’s also hollow, unfulfilling, and the constant pressure of guarding yourself because you feel as though world is against you a hard way to go through life.

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Humor me for a minute.

Pick a whole number between one and ten.

Multiply your number by 2.

Multiply the new number by 5.

Divide your current number by your original number.

Now subtract 7 from your current number.

Now give me a moment.

…is the answer 3?

Okay, one more then I promise no more.

Pick a number.

Now double the number.

Add 10 to your last answer.

Divide your answer by 2.

Now subtract your original number.

…is the answer 5?

Thank you for humoring me by engaging this little trick.

Hopefully humoring me also added a little smile to your day too.

As you can see, it rarely takes much effort to just for a moment brighten yours or someone else’s day. However it does take a bit of conscious effort.

So as you go about your day today take a moment to make yourself smile and then find some unsuspecting target and make them smile too.

Oh, and if you’re not sure how, then of course you can use the math tricks I used with you.

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When was the last time you saw a sign that read, ‘happiness for sale?’

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess never.

But, lurking behind almost everything for sale that is not a necessity for safety, security and survival is an implication that it will make you happier.

But will it?

There’s a technique in business called the 5 Whys. The 5 Whys is an iterative interrogative technique used to explore the cause-and-effect relationships underlying a particular problem. Essentially, in non-business speak, it means that 5 Whys can help you find what issues caused a problem. The great thing about the 5 Whys process is that it can also be used in your personal life.

The next time you’re thinking about making a major decision or purchase use the 5 Whys as a filter that you run your decision through. I’m going to bet that rarely will you get to the 3^rd or 4^th Why before you land on something along the lines of, ‘because it will make me happy.’

The 5 Whys is an excellent tool to help you uncover the deepest reasons for almost anything you do, and although the tool can be very powerful, the downside is that you have to be open to taking time to work on yourself.  You’ll have to dig a little deeper in to yourself to get to the root of what is motivating you to act.

And, if you’re not ready or open to work on yourself then maybe that would be the ideal place to use the 5 Whys to ask why not.

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How would you behave if every person you met was wearing a help wanted sign?

Would you be curious?

Would you ask them what kind of help they need?

Would you offer to help when appropriate?

Would you show them your help wanted sign?

Everyone needs help in some area of their life, but in many cases they don’t know how to ask for it, or even worse is that they’re afraid to ask for help. They’re embarrassed or feel that asking for help is sign of weakness. So they suffer or struggle alone hoping that eventually they’ll stumble across the solutions to their problems.

Life would be so much easier if there were one giant help jar where you could submit your problems and then all the help you needed would magically appear. But unfortunately life doesn’t work like that.

Or does it?

Your problems are rarely unique. Yes, situations and your experience of the problems might be unique, but there’s a high probability that your problem has been solved before. But you’ll never know until you ask for help.

Asking for help is hard because you feel vulnerable, you feel exposed. But asking for help conveys to others that you’re human, and leaves open the possibility that someone else will share with you that they need help too. And that’s how the magic help jar begins.

What if you’re a magic help jar?

But the caveat is that you can only help someone if you’ve asked for help first.

Maybe the magic help jar isn’t one big jar, but millions of little jars with the capacity to help just a few people at a time. Eliminating one help wanted sign at a time and by doing so, you eliminate your own help wanted sign too.

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Follow the flock?

Or.

Be the black sheep?

Follow the crowd?

Or.

Be the misfit?

The choice is yours.

Life is undoubtedly easier if keep your head down, say nothing and just keep working on fitting in. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But, if you want be unique then by definition you have to be different.

You can’t be a pawn and be the king or queen.

At some point you will have to make a decision. And then you’ll have to commit to the decision.

And there will be a price to pay for your decision.

The price will be in the form of an emotional toll on your mind. You see, the allure, the gravitational pull of the crowd is incredibly powerful.

Every day you will be asked either by others or even your own self some form of the following questions.

Are you sure you want to do that?

Why do you think you’re different?

Wouldn’t it just be so much easier if you do what everyone else is doing?

And you’ll continuously have to answer these questions.

Being the one that wants to be different, the misfit, the oddball, is easy to say but extremely difficult to do. Difficult, but not impossible.

The great thing is that to follow or not follow the crowd is a choice you get to make many times throughout your life. And as long you’re being true to yourself about the kind of person you want to be then ultimately it doesn’t really matter if there’s a crowd or no crowd.

You be you and let them be them.

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Why did you look at me like that?

Why did you make that face?

Why did you use that tone?

If you’ve asked any of the previous questions then you might be playing emotional Rorschach. There might not have been a face, a look or a tone and there’s a chance you misinterpreted what you heard or saw.

The Rorschach test, also a known as the inkblot test is a projective psychological test that was created in 1921. It was designed to test an individual’s perceptions of inkblots on a piece of paper. The key word in the description of the test is ‘projective.’

“The underlying assumption is that an individual will class external stimuli based on person-specific perceptual sets, and including needs, base motives, conflicts, and that this clustering process is representative of the process used in real-life situations.”

Essentially what is said is that you will see and experience situations based on your own personal history. You will, for lack of a better word, project and then ultimately derive meaning from a situation based on your past. So there is a chance that you read the situation incorrectly.

Maybe the look meant nothing. Maybe there was no underlying agenda. It could just be in your mind.

Now obviously, like so much in life, there’s a lot of grey area and you’re probably not always mistaken when assessing a situation. But what if sometimes you are?

Holding back judgement or giving an individual the benefit of the doubt is a great way to prevent jumping to conclusions about what someone did or said towards you.

One of the interesting things researchers found when administering the test is that cultural backgrounds and prior experiences influenced what people saw in the inkblots. And since we all have some unique aspects to our individual experiences and history, it means that we all experience the world differently.

So the next time you find yourself wondering what someone meant by the look on their face or something they said that’s got you a little flustered, think about the emotional Rorschach. It might a combination of your imagination and projection leading you to a false conclusion.

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How often do you find yourself behind the eight ball?

One of the definitions of being behind the eight ball is the feeling of being behind on a task, a sense of overwhelm.

In today’s always on world it’s really easy to get caught up in the number of incoming requests for your time and your own to dos. So much so that you’re often left feeling that you’re continuously behind the eight ball.

The phrase, behind the eight ball originated from the game of pool. It’s the inability to take a clear shot because the cue ball is stuck behind the eight ball. The difference between playing pool and life is that in pool your opponent is usually the one trying to position you behind the eight ball, whereas in life there’s a high chance that you’re doing it to yourself.

I’m not saying that you don’t have a legitimate and endless list of to do’s, what I am suggesting is that maybe there are times when you’ve taken on just a little too much. And that’s when you get the feeling of being behind the eight ball.

So how do you get out from behind the eight ball?

Well, there are always things that you could consider taking off your list. But for arguments sake let’s say that you can’t. Then what can you do?

What if you pause for a moment? That’s what pool players do. They step back from the table to assess their situation in order to find their next best shot. They pause just long enough to get out from behind the eight ball. Now getting out from behind the eight ball is not guarantee that they will win the game, but it does allow them to continue playing.

What could be your version of a pause?

Your pause could be stepping away for seconds to take a deep breath. Or it could be pausing for minutes or even days, all depending on the importance of the request or task at hand. It could even be re-prioritizing your list, and in some cases totally eliminating some of your things to do.

I am not suggesting that you abdicate your responsibilities. What I am saying is that so much of the sense of overwhelm people encounter and feel is a result of taking on too much, or giving away too much of their attention and time. And the equation of giving away too much while taking on additional is one that will never leave you in the positive; it will always leave you feeling as though you’re behind the eight ball.

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How do you show mutual respect?

It’s easy to have mutual respect with someone that agrees with you or that you’re in agreement with, the challenge is to respect someone with opposing viewpoints.

One of the dangers of not having mutual respect is that you’re not open to even hearing viewpoints that contradict how you think. Respecting an individual’s right to voice their opinions and thoughts without pre-judging them is the only way to move a conversation or idea forward.

Allowing yourself to have mutual respect for someone you disagree with says more about you than the other person. When you can be open to new ideas without rushing to defend your existing position displays a high level of self-confidence. Not confidence in a hubristic fashion, but rather a comfort with who you are and courage to engage other people’s ideas.

It’s been said that respect is not just the absence negative behavior, but the presence of positive behaviors. This means taking an active stance to being curious, engaging and open to others, the position that their input is worthy of your consideration.

Mutual respect can be difficult to cultivate because it can feel threatening. When someone has an opposing opinion it’s natural to feel as though you’re being attacked, and in some ways you are. Your ideas and thoughts are being challenged and since they are directly tied to your identity, you protect yourself.

But if you can learn to be vulnerable just for a moment, not surrender, just see the other person as you want them to see you then you have taken the first step towards mutual respect. Now there’s an opening, an opportunity to engage in new conversations, ideas and issues.

If we don’t develop and practice mutual respect, then ultimately we are destined for mutual destruction.

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Do you agree or disagree?

I can hear your brain spinning and asking, ‘well it depends on the question?’

Does it?

What if there is no obvious question, just an opportunity to act?

You see, every action you take is an agreement or disagreement with yourself.

If you doubt me then let me give you an example.

There are many hot topics we can choose from, but let’s make it easy and choose politics.

How many times have you heard a person in strong disagreement with government policies?  Yet when you ask them what action they’ve taken to change it, you’ll quickly find that they haven’t acted.

Why is this?

Because it’s easier to talk about than do.

When your actions are out of alignment with your thoughts you will feel out of balance because you’re in disagreement with yourself. There’s actually a fancy term for this kind of behavior, it’s called cognitive dissonance, which literally means mental discomfort.

Narrowing the gap between how you think and how you act gives you a sense of harmony because you are being true to yourself. You are in agreement.

But this doesn’t mean that you’re limited to always thinking and acting in the same way. You can choose to think differently about something but you have to follow it with an action, because that is how you’ll agree with your new thought.

So the next time you have a thought or even and idea about how you’d like to be, do something differently, or change a current behavior then validate it with an action. Close the gap between the person you want to be and the person you are. Be in agreement with yourself.

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Are you a lifesaver?

No.

Not the fruity candy with a hole in the middle.

But more like the circular flotation device you find hanging of boats and at pools.

I think you’re a lifesaver, you just aren’t aware of it.

Yes, you have the power to save a life.

Okay. Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way. Both calling 911 in the event of an emergency and performing CPR are both lifesaving activities that you can you can do with relative ease.

But what about the simple acts that you can perform on a daily basis where the outcome might not be as obvious?

You can acknowledge a server at a restaurant or customer service person at a store, letting them know that they are appreciated.

Reach out to a friend or someone you haven’t spoken to in a while just to remind them that someone is thinking of them.

Send a thank you note to someone that positively impacted your life.

By themselves these acts might seem trivial, but its little acts of kindness that make biggest impact over time.

There have been many stories of individuals whose lives were changed in a dramatic way just because someone cared enough to ask them how they’re doing.

Oh, and lastly, like the lifesaver you have your arms that can make a perfect ring. The power of a good hug is a miracle in its self.

For a split second you get to feel another person’s heartbeat and realize that is feels and sounds just like your own.

That what’s keeping them alive is keeping you alive too.

And recognize that ultimately we all have the ability to be lifesavers for each other.

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What is your personal reward system?

What do you do or say to yourself when you catch yourself doing things well?

How do you reinforce your own good behavior?

Positive reinforcement works just as well with people as it does with animals.

Most people are really good at beating themselves up when they make a mistake, but they don’t make an effort or take the time to reward themselves for good actions or behaviors.

I’m not saying throw an all-out celebration every time you do something well, although you can if that’s what you want. What I am suggesting is that you take a moment to recognize and reward yourself with some positive self-talk,   a virtual pat on your back.

It’s very easy to only notice your faults because they stand out as reminders that no matter how hard you might try, you’re not perfect. Whereas praising yourself for small accomplishments and wins might seem childish or even inconsequential because you expect yourself get things right.

There is also a deeper underlying reason that many people don’t praise themselves and it comes down to their own self-worth. For whatever reason they don’t feel worthy of praise and this can be very difficult, although not impossible to overcome.

Your self-reward system doesn’t have to super indulgent. It can be something as simple as a few kind words to yourself, just as a reminder that you did something well. For example, when you see athletes perform a fist pump that’s a reward to remind them of a positive moment.

A self-reward system doesn’t only serve to continue current good behavior, it can also be an effective way to create behavior change and implement new habits in to your life.

Start rewarding yourself when you feel as though you’ve done something well or right and you’ll find yourself doing it more often. You have the ability to create positive, upward behavior cycles just as easy as negative ones. If you get in to the habit of catching and rewarding yourself for being good, then over time you might just forget or eliminate being bad.

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How do you handle your self-doubt?

If you find yourself constantly asking if you’re doing the right thing, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Self-doubt is as common as breathing. Even the most seasoned individuals, experts in their fields still experience self-doubt.

Self-doubt will at some time or another show up in your life. Whether it be in education, relationships, career choices, parenting, or even something as simple as what you should wear, self-doubt will make its appearance.

In fact as I’m writing this I can feel self-doubt peering over my shoulder, shaking its head side to side and asking me if this is really what I should be writing about. And I have to give it my honest answer, I don’t know but I’m going to do it anyway.

Self-doubt has the power to stop people dead in their tracks. It’s what you witness when you see a person walk up to the edge of a diving board and then decide not to jump. And when self-doubt shows up, it doesn’t come alone, it brings its friend, fear. And together they team up against you.

Self-doubt never really goes away; it’s insidious, just waiting quietly in the wings waiting to make its next appearance. And every time it does, you have to decide how long to let it perform before you send it off stage.

You have to choose how much control you’re going to give your self-doubt, how much of your life you’re going to let it drive. If you let it, it will control every decision you make and your entire life will be on its terms. And that’s no way to live.

A key step in coping with self-doubt is learning to accept it as part of life. Once you accept it then you can develop tools and strategies to manage it.

Remember, self-doubt is an emotion as old as time and was designed to keep you safe and alive. But now that you’re safe and alive don’t let it dictate who you’re going to be, don’t hide in its shadow. We want to see you take center stage and perform, not your self-doubt.

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