Raj Daniels

How’s your relationship?

With  yourself.

Is it good?

Do you enjoy being you?

If not all the time then at least most of the time?

Are you kind to yourself when you make mistakes?

Do you practice self-forgiveness?

Do you love yourself regardless of what happens in your life?

If you can’t fully accept, forgive and love who you are then how will you allow others to do so?

Practicing compassion and love for yourself doesn’t mean you stop striving to be a better version of you, if that’s what you want. It does mean accepting the current version in its full form.

Almost everyone has experienced the voice of their inner tormenter just waiting to put them down and taunt them when they make a mistake. For some the voices are so loud and consistent that it paralyzes them from attempting anything.

Self-love doesn’t eliminate the voice, doubt, fear or any other such emotion but it does help you work through them. It provides you with a warm protective blanket; a security that regardless of what happens, you will always love you.

Building a strong loving relationship with yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and ultimately for those around you. It does take practice and you might have to remind yourself just how important you are to you. But once you get in the habit of doing so, you will experience a noticeable shift in your life and how you view other people too.

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Do you know that you’re contagious even though you might be feeling fine?

Yes, your energy is contagious.

You can change the feelings and mood of people around you just by your presence.

Energy is constantly emanating from your body and people can feel it.

You’ve probably experienced someone asking if you’re okay without you saying anything. That’s because they can feel your energy, also commonly known as your vibe, which is short for vibration.

You can learn to control your energy so that people enjoy being around you. This doesn’t mean you should fake it, because people will sense that too.

Controlling your energy starts with your mind. Your ability to be present in moments without carrying too much baggage from the past and not living too far in to the future allows you to create a calm energy in the present.

You can then use your calmness as a foundation for admiration, enthusiasm, love or any other emotion you want to feel in that moment. And that’s the energy and vibration that people will experience and feel.

So keep in mind that you’re always radiating energy and since you’re going to be contagious, why not be the kind of contagious that people enjoy catching.

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What is a word?

A word is nothing by itself.

A word is whatever meaning you give to it.

When you were born you had no concept of words. You were taught to give meaning to words.

What if you were taught incorrectly?

Words are used to give meaning to things so that we can neatly categorize them in our minds. Take something simple like the word tree. Apparently there are over 60,000 different kinds of tree, but when you see a tree you just say or think tree and move on, because it’s easier to think this way.

This might be okay for objects, but what about words that evoke emotions.

Take the word fair.

If I say ‘she’s so fair,’ and you can’t see her, what thought comes to mind?

Does she have a lighter skin tone or a just disposition?

Your answer will depend on the context. Yes, how I use it the phrase is important but so is how you see the world.

Giving too much or too little weight to words people say will dictate how you feel about them, and how you feel about yourself.

Ultimately you get to decide how important words are and how much power you give them. Don’t forget that every word you say and hear was made up by someone at some point in time so they could categorize their own personal situation in their mind.

A word meant nothing until someone said it did.

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How does it feel to be essentially anonymous?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

The vast majority of people that have ever lived have lived in relative anonymity.

Even with all the talk about the internet making the world a much smaller place and the ability to have a global presence, which is all true to a certain extent, most people will live in obscurity.

With an estimated global population of about 7.6 billion people, you represent 0.000000013158% of the global population. And just so you don’t feel alone, you should know that you and I together represent 0.000000026316%. As you can see, that’s a lot of zero’s before we’re even close to being a whole number. .

So the majority of people in the world will never know that you existed. But there’s a handful of people that will, and for some of them, you are their world.

You are and always will be the most important person they might ever encounter.

You will be the one, the 100% to them.

Although Shakespeare so eloquently wrote “All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players;They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts…etc.” He didn’t define size of the world or the stage.

Your performance on your world and stage is with those that are closest you. The ones you interact with on a daily basis. The ones whose lives you’ll be able to change and influence forever. The ones you’ll never be anonymous for.

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How long will it take to get there?

This is a very common question asked when making travel plans and even during a trip.

And the answer is usually in the form of, well, under current conditions.

And regardless how good the estimates of time might be prior to the trip, they will change based on the length of the trip and the conditions of the day.

A short trip is obviously more predictable because fewer factors are involved and if you’ve taken the trip before then prior knowledge can also be of benefit to you.

However, long journeys to unknown places are unpredictable and that’s when you start of relying on the estimates of current conditions and hope they continue.

Life is also a long journey to an unknown place and with constantly changing conditions.  And when you set out to work on a goal it’s just like taking that long trip. All your estimates will be based upon current conditions and what you know, however the larger the goal the more unpredictable conditions will be.

This should not dissuade you from attempting to work towards large goals but when you encounter situations you didn’t or couldn’t predict, remind yourself that you’re stepping out in to unfamiliar territory and unknown conditions.

Everyone sets out under current conditions. Some get to where they’re going sooner or later than others. Others give up and turn back.

If your goal is important and has meaning to you then you’ll appreciate the current conditions, and find a way to work through the guaranteed unknown conditions that lie ahead.

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Have you ever used a change machine?

You know the kind where you insert a paper dollar bill and get coins back.

You dollar bill is transformed. It’s still money but it looks and feels totally different.

This is what change is about.

If you want to change anything about yourself you have to be willing to totally transform parts of you.

You have to commit to the irreversible metamorphosis the way a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

Real successful change doesn’t have a middle ground.

Yes, there’s a midpoint during the transformation but once you’re committed and cross that point there’s no going back, because if you do go back then, you really haven’t changed.

Change is hard.

Change is probably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do in your life.

Why?

Because change is new, it’s unknown. You’re not aware of what will happen when you change and so it’s easier to stick with the familiar.

The thing is that you were built for change.

Humans are the ultimate change machines.

They have survived for thousands of years because they were able to change.

Fortunately for you, change doesn’t have to be as dramatic as the dollar changing machine or the caterpillar.

You can do it slowly, but if you want it to last you have to keep moving through the hard parts.

Look, the reality is that physically you are in a constant state of change. It’s just that you’re doing it involuntarily.

The miracle of nature is doing it all for you.

The change most people desire is mental, and that takes a work, actually it takes more commitment than work.

The commitment is the work.

If you you’re willing to invest in continued commitment to whatever change you want to make in your life then you will experience conscious transformation. If you’re not willing to commit then you will experience frustration.

Keep in mind that you’re not required to change, and you only have to if want to experience life differently than you are right now.

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What are your blind spots?

Everyone has them.

They are the things you do, say or think that other people know and see about you that you can’t see for yourself.

How do you discover your blind spots?

This is the hard part.

Ask people to tell you what they see are your blind spots and then be open to listening, without being defensive.

Athletes are great at this because their livelihood depends on always getting better, so they are continuously open to coaching that helps them eliminate their blind spots.

The majority of everyday people rarely want to know about their blind spots, and this leaves them open to staying stuck in behavior patterns and also repeating mistakes.

If you’re not open to external evaluations then at least make an effort to be more self-aware. This can be accomplished by monitoring your own behavior and emotions.

A simple journaling exercise that you can do during your day can be very helpful. Learn to pay attention to your feelings when you’re making decisions or having conversations. Really feel your body language when you’re responding and speaking to others. And then take some quick notes to remind you. Very soon you’ll be able to see patterns of behavior begin to emerge and then you take steps to continue or correct your behavior based on the outcomes you’re looking for.

If you do decided to investigate your blind spots you can learn more about them by researching the Johari Window, a technique that helps people better understand their relationship with themselves and others.

The funny thing about blind spots is that addressing them is an ongoing process because as you are and always will be a work in progress.

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You can only see this.

You can only read this.

No, you can’t have more.

You can only have what I give you.

You don’t know what you’re missing.

You don’t know what you’ll be getting next.

Sorry, you don’t come here for freedom to choose.

Only I decide what you read and see.

And if I do this long enough, I’ll know exactly what you’re thinking, because I’m the one prodding and prompting you to think that way.

Are you okay with this?

These are not some ambiguous statements.

These are the agreements, terms and services you agree to when you engage with media, especially social media.

Imagine how you would feel if someone came in to your house and started dictating what and when you could eat, and what you could look at.

How would you respond?

Hopefully you’d remove them from your home as soon as possible.

You see, every picture and word you expose your mind to provoke a thought. Even this sentence is stimulating a thought as you read it.

The technology of the infinite scroll has been weaponized against you. And you are being coerced in to guzzling at the endless trough of information being poured in to your mind, most of which doesn’t affect or benefit your life one way or another.

If you don’t believe me then step away from all media for 48 hours and see if you’re life falls apart.

I’m sure it won’t, but don’t worry because if you do begin to feel your life crumble you can always go back to it because it will be waiting for you.

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Can you believe she did that?

Can you believe he said that?

What were they thinking?

Sorry, but what were you thinking?

Oh.

I get it.

It’s because that’s not what you would have done or said.

You would have done or said it differently.

Yes, but they aren’t you, and obviously you are not them.

Then why the shock and surprise?

Were you expecting them to be just like you?

Can you imagine a world where we act and react… just like you?

Nope.

Neither can I.

According to science, at our core DNA level we are 99.9% the same, but it’s that .1% that makes us different in what seems to be millions of different ways.

It’s our differences that make us unique, and yes, that includes you.

So although at times you might have trouble expressing or masking your disbelief about another person’s actions, keep in mind that there’s probably someone else feeling or thinking the same thing about you too.

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When you take the quickest route?

When shave a few minutes of a meeting?

When you multitask?

When you’re hyper efficient?

What do you do with all the time you save?

Do you spend it on others or yourself?

Or do you continue find others ways to save time?

Being effective and being efficient are not the same.

In fact there is a huge body of recent research showing that much of the anxiety and stress that people are suffering with is because they are attempting to do too much in too little time.

Modern machines and computers give the illusion that everything can be made to go faster and be more efficient, but humans aren’t machines.

Humans are nature and nature has its own rhythm and speed.

In nature we expect a flower or plant to bloom or produce fruit at its own unique speed.

And like nature, each person is unique, with their own ideal operating speed.

If you find yourself attempting to insert efficiency in every aspect of your life you won’t find that you’ll get life done quicker than anyone else. And if you’re like most people, the time you save will rarely be spent on something more productive or useful.

So you decide.

Do you want to be effective or efficient?

Do you want to be and live like a human or a machine?

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What are your talents?

Is there a particular skill or subject that you excel at?

No need to be modest here.

Everyone has something they know or have been told that they’re good at, or have been formally qualified to do.

Here’s a short list of some of the more common skills.

Art

Craft work

Cooking

Engineering

Financial

Math

Medicine

Public Speaking

Strategy

Writing

And there are many more.

What if you made time to share your skills or talents?

What if you committed to spending just a small amount of your time sharing or teaching what you know to someone that wants to learn?

Your skills and talents are gifts that you can pass on and still keep. They can never be taken from you yet you can enrich the life of another person by sharing them.

Consider sharing your talents, giving them away to improve the life of another person. Who knows, the next time you need to learn something, someone might do the same for you too.

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How much emotional interest do you charge?

When someone slights or wrongs you how long do they have to continue paying for their original transgression towards you?

Do you continue to remind them?

Do you make sure they never forget?

How about you?

How much emotional interest do you pay?

When you experience a negative emotional event in your life how long do you continue carrying it with you, essentially paying for it over and over again?

And if you’re like the majority of people then you probably only carry emotional interest on negative events and very quickly forget positive events.

Rarely do you see someone happy and smiling about a great event that happened to them a week ago, but you’ll find traces of a negative event tend to linger in their psyche so much longer.

The great Albert Einstein once said “Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world.” And this is because it allows the interest on money to earn interest, growing on itself like a snowball.

Emotions will do the same if you let them.

The longer you decide to carry an emotion about an event the stronger it will grow, basically compounding interest on your original emotion.

So your choices are, how much emotional interest do you want to charge others and perhaps even importantly, how much emotional interest do you want to pay?

Be careful and choose wisely, because if you overcharge others or overpay yourself then both can lead to emotional bankruptcy.

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When was the last time you experienced a full uninterrupted moment with another person?

Where just for a moment the other person was all that you could hear and see?

Where just for a moment all your attention was focused on them?

Where just for a moment they were the most important person in the world?

John Steinbeck wrote “Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love.”

Ponder that for a moment.

Now imagine what the world would look like if we all practiced understanding first.

Stephen Covey captured a similar sentiment when he said “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

But seeking to understand takes intent. It takes time.

And not shallow time, flitting between disengaged and engaged.

It requires big full moments of time without distractions.

The next time you have the good fortune of engaging with another person give them your full attention even if it’s for just a short amount of time.

And yes, I say good fortune because having the opportunity to spend time with someone should not be taken for granted. In fact there are many lonely individuals that crave attention and the interaction of another human.

So put the words of Steinbeck and Covey to practice and experience the richness that an uninterrupted, fully engaged moment with another person can provide for them and for you.

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What would your life be like if you had someone to solve all of your problems?

If you had your own personal problem butler that appeared every time you had a problem and said “here let me take that for you?”

Do you believe such a person would make your life better or easier?

Would you really give all of your problems to someone else to solve?

Or would you keep some for yourself?

Imagine how plain your life would be if you had absolutely no problems, if every day sailed along smoothly without as much as hiccup for you to overcome.

Very soon boredom would set in.

It’s probably not the case that you don’t want any problems, more than likely you wish you could pick and choose from a problem buffet. And you’d pick the ones you think you could solve and leave the rest for others.

But then life becomes predictable.

And again boredom would set in.

Problems are a strange phenomenon because so many aspects of a problem boil down to perspective. Have you ever noticed how you can see how others should solve their problems but struggle with your own? It’s because you have an outside in view of their problem.

Now you can do the same for yourself too, with your own personal problem butler.

Well not quite, but close.

Writing your problems out on paper can give you an opportunity to approach them with different perspective and an additional benefit is that you can get them out of your head, at least temporarily.

Once they are on paper you can break them down into smaller, more manageable pieces and give each one the focus it requires.

Removing your problems from your mind can help you with any anxiety or overwhelm you might be experiencing. In fact journaling has been recommended by therapists for this very reason.

So although you may never have your own personal problem butler, there’s a sheet of paper somewhere close to you saying “here, let me take those for you.”

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What is Bernoulli’s Principle?

If you know then pat yourself on your back because there’s only a few people that can remember what it is from their high school science classes.

Bernoulli’s Principle states that “For any airfoil generating lift, there must be a pressure imbalance, i.e. lower average air pressure on the top than on the bottom. Bernoulli’s principle states that this pressure difference must be accompanied by a speed difference.”

Isn’t that amazing?

Just kidding!

Let me simplify.

In order to create lift for an airfoil aka wing of an airplane and keep an airplane afloat, air must pass over the top of the wing faster than the bottom of wing.

That’s right. Air!

The job of a propeller or jet engine is to move the aircraft forward in such a way that the Bernoulli Principle can work. But it’s all based on air.

When was the last time you saw air?

You know it’s all around you because hopefully you’re breathing it right now.

So here we are as a collective species basing our entire existence on something we take for granted yet cannot hear, see or touch, unless under certain controlled circumstances.

That’s a lot of faith.

What if you could use that same faith to propel yourself forward through life with a knowing that there are certain principles in place that are working for you too?

What if there’s a version of the Bernoulli Principle for humans too?

It might exist, but you won’t find it unless you have faith, and not necessarily faith in a religious context, although that might and does work for some people. But faith that there are indeed other forces beyond your capacity to understand, that are just waiting to be activated by you.

So the next time you see an airplane remember that its entire premise is based on the invisible and visible working together. And this applies in your life too.

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What is the only thing you can really control?

It’s not people.

It’s not outcomes.

And most of the time it’s not even yourself.

The only thing you can control, if you pay attention, is your thought for a moment. I was tempted to say thoughts but realize that thoughts are like an infinite chain of falling dominoes where one leads to another and another until they are consciously interrupted.

If you pay attention, your extent of control is to the thought you’re having right now as you read this. And in this split second you must decide how you’ll react to it, because if you don’t, your brain will go in to auto-pilot and find a previous thought to fill the gap so you don’t have to expend any additional energy.

Your brain is an expert at filling thoughts and creating thought patterns for you because it saves you time and energy and you’re brain loves conserving energy.

Stop reading for a moment and ask yourself what thought are you having right now.

I’ll wait.

.

.

.

Were you able to stop reading and focus on your thought?

If you did then you experienced control for a moment.

The interesting thing about being able to control your thoughts for a few moments is that it helps you re-write old thinking patterns, which can ultimately change the direction of your life.

So if you find yourself struggling to change a behavior or habit or if you think you’d like to change how you react to certain situations then begin to practice taking control of your thought, for just a moment.

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Who’s going to be the lucky winner today?

Who’s going to be the one person that you’re going to shower with kindness and affection today?

Who’s going to be the one person that you’re going to make feel special today?

Who’s going to be the one lucky person in your life today?

Will it be a co-worker, family member, friend or complete stranger?

It’s okay if you don’t know yet, you still have time to choose someone. But when you do, don’t tell them. Just be super nice to them.

If they know you and are surprised by your affection and kindness, well, then I guess you’ve learned something about your relationship with them.

If they’re a stranger then they’ll think you’re like this all the time and maybe you’ll increase their faith in humanity.

I know you’re busy and like most people have a lot going on, but taking a few moments out of your day to make another person feel special can go a long way for them and you.

You never know when one act of kindness could change the trajectory of another person’s life.

So pick a winner that you’re going to make feel special today and who knows, someone might be choosing you to be the lucky winner of their affection and kindness too.

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Do you believe it’s your duty or responsibility to make someone else happy?

If you don’t then you might be considered a sociopath or someone with a lack of conscience, but you’ll also have a sense of freedom that most people will never experience.

However, if you do believe it’s your responsibility then you’re going to have to tread a very slippery slope. And you’ll know when you start down this slope because if you pay attention you’ll begin to notice their moods changing, sometimes erratically in accordance to your behavior.

Taking responsibility for another person’s happiness can be huge burden for you to carry, because eventually your life will be driven by how they feel and not by what you want.

This is not to say that you should start indulging in sociopathic behavior, but you should definitely not position yourself as the single provider of a person’s happiness.

This applies back to you too.

If you’re relying on someone else to make you feel happy then not only are you burdening them but you’re being irresponsible for your own feelings too. You’re also leaving yourself vulnerable to their behavior and whims.

Managing or mastering your own emotional state is a difficult task in itself and can take a lifetime of effort and practice. And ultimately you’ll learn that you can only really make yourself happy, and hope that others learn that lesson for themselves too.

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