Raj Daniels

When was the last time you set out to make someone’s day?

I don’t mean by buying them a gift but just by saying something nice or showing kindness. Looking for an opportunity to give a compliment or kind word is a quick and easy way to make someone’s day.

Studies show that in some instances people that receive compliments will actually experience the same positive effect as if they had received cash. When you say a kind word or give a compliment you can sometimes see a person’s eyes light up or even stand a little straighter.

Giving compliments or showing kindness doesn’t have to be a manufactured experience but it does have to a conscious one. It doesn’t take long to do but it does take a moment to really engage with the person in front of you. To borrow loosely from the Homeland Security phrase “If you see something nice, say something nice.”

How quick are you to judge a person as an idiot or some other similar word?

Do you find yourself calling someone a name based on their actions in a particular moment?

We’re all guilty of not behaving appropriately in the moment and rely on the grace of others to give us another chance.

We’ve all heard the story of the 9th grade dropout that went on to become a millionaire or the conventionally uneducated person that through sheer curiosity and will created a world changing discovery. These people were probably the target of name calling or being judged as ‘less than’ at some point during their lives until they proved otherwise.

Judging an individual based on a brief interaction or what you perceive to know about them is an ego driven thought process, it is your ego telling you that you are superior to that individual. Controlling yourself from casting a disparaging remark or thought towards an individual, and not being so quick to judge their action based on a moment in time is an exercise worth pursuing.

How much of your life is a figment of your imagination?

Do you know that your senses were designed to allow you to interpret the external world and to keep you alive?

However, they can also be misleading.

Have you ever seen an object from a distance only to realize once you were closer that it wasn’t what you thought it was?

This is an example of your brain attempting to interpret current information based on previous experiences and provide you with a picture of what you think you see.

So much of your life is not what you are experiencing but is in fact your brain creating narratives based on old information. These narratives then move you to behave in a certain way. But once these behaviors are ingrained then they happen automatically because now it’s just how you are.

Is being ‘just how you are’ serving you well?

Is relying on your old experiences allowing you to be the person you want be? If not, then perhaps it’s time to question how or why you interpreted previous experiences the way you did, and reevaluate them so that you can respond differently in the future.

You’re probably familiar with motivational speaking, but the real power lies in motivational thinking.

The question is, why is motivational thinking important and how does it apply to you?

Well, it doesn’t apply to you if you’re okay with where you’re at in all areas of life.

However, if you want to even improve incrementally in any area whether professionally or personally then you will need motivation in order to be successful.

Motivation comes from having a purpose because purpose is the reason, essentially the ‘why’ that drives you to take action. And defining your purpose is the key to staying motivated, especially when things aren’t going as planned.

One of the best ways to define your purpose is to write down a list of reasons that answer the ‘why’ question. For example

Why do you want to be healthier?

Why do you want a better relationship with your spouse?

Why do you want to be a better professional?

Once you have your list of reasons read them daily. Reading them every day will allow you to keep them top of mind and this is extremely important. Consider them to be the ‘turn by turn’ directions for your thoughts. If you don’t keep them front and center then very quickly you will find yourself going off track.

Whether you realize it or not you are your own billboard.

Whenever you interact with another person your face and body language convey how you are feeling and in many cases even what you are thinking.

Experts in the field of communication say that 60% of communication is non-verbal.

If that really is the case then what do people see when they interact with you? What message is your face and body projecting?

Do people see you as confident and approachable or do you look cold and uninterested?

One of the best ways to improve how others see you is to practice displaying positive emotions throughout the day.  Learn how you look and feel when you display joy, happiness and confidence with your expressions and body language. Once you’ve practiced in private then experiment in public. During a meeting or interaction consciously change your facial expression or body language to reflect a positive emotion and see what happens.

The best thing about using your body as a billboard to convey positive emotions is that it not only helps you but can also lift up people around you.

Are you a ‘perfectionist?

Do all the stars have to align just right in order for you to start a project?

Do you aim aim aim, but never fire?

I hate to break it to you, but you’re not a perfectionist, you’re just scared. You fear that you’ll get it wrong or screw it up and also that someone might see a mistake you make and call you out on it.  You fear that you will not live up to the high standards you or others have set for you.

Research shows that the two biggest problems perfectionists suffer from are procrastination and negative self-talk. The research also shows that the anxiety over making a mistake is often holding the perfectionist back from achieving any aspect of perfection.

Now this is not an endorsement for sloppy work or being lazy. However, if you conduct some soul searching and find that you miss opportunities  or you neglect to work on ideas because everything has to be perfect before you start then perhaps it’s time to put aside being a perfectionist and allow yourself to not get things right the first time. Remember if it’s perfect then there’s no room for improvement.

For those of you in the Northern Hemisphere today will be the longest day of the year and mark the beginning of summer. And although we’re not quite at the year’s halfway point yet the days will begin to get shorter.

So how have the first six months been for you?

Did you set any goals or have any resolutions at the beginning of the year that are now forgotten or are you on track?

Maybe you started the year full of hope and excitement but have reached a point of frustration because it hasn’t unfolded the way you had imagined. Or maybe you’ve succeeded beyond your wildest dreams. Regardless of which situation best describes you, enjoy the first days of summer. And today, or sometime this week take some time to evaluate what you did the first half of the year and what you plan to do for the rest of it.

Have you heard of the voice?

No, not the TV show, but the voice inside your head that is always talking to you. It’s the one telling you what to do and sometimes pretending to be your friend and keeping you safe. Yes, it’s often pretending to keep you safe.

Have you ever heard the voice say, don’t ask a question because you might look stupid?

Only then to hear a co-worker ask the same question and get praised for it. And then the voice says “you should have asked that question.”

Has the voice ever told you not to ask for business because you’ll look desperate?

Only then to see a lead or prospect work with someone else. And then the voice says “oh, you didn’t want to be too pushy because it would jeopardize your relationship.”

Has the voice told you that your idea will not work?

Only then to see someone else become a millionaire by executing almost the same idea as you had. And then the voice says “maybe you should have tried?”

What else has the voice prevented you from doing?

The unfortunate thing is that you’ll never know, because you listened to the voice. Next time you hear the voice telling you not to do something, really question its motivation. Is it trying to keep you safe or is it really just preventing you from moving forward?

How are you feeling right now?

Did you stop to answer the question or did you keep reading?

If you’re like most then you probably didn’t stop. Why not?

Is how you’re feeling not important?

Stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and feel the air flowing through your nose and deep in to your body. Draw your lips back and feel the warmth of your smile radiate through you. Listen for your heartbeat. Pay close attention to the sounds around you. Direct your attention to your body, if you’re sitting then feel your body against your seat and if you’re standing then feel the weight of your feet against the ground.

In this moment feel no rush to move on to what’s next. In this moment let everything go and just appreciate the miracle of all that is. In this moment you and everything around you is perfect.  Your entire life is captured in this moment because this is the only moment promised to you.

How do you talk to yourself?

Do you use words that are nurturing and encouraging or do you continuously beat yourself up?

Your internal monologue with yourself is probably one of the most important things that you can control, yet most pay little attention to it.

Both constructive and destructive self-talk can play a huge part in your daily well-being and how others perceive you. Studies show that leaders that engage in positive self-talk not only perform better at their jobs but are also more likable. This is not surprising because if you don’t speak highly of yourself then how can you expect other to do so.

Engaging in positive self-talk doesn’t mean being self-consumed. It does mean paying attention to what you are thinking and if you catch yourself using negative words like ‘dumb,’ ‘stupid,’ or ‘failure’ to describe your behavior then stop and re-evaluate.

Depending on your personality the habit of constructive self-talk might take some time to feel natural, so start slowly. Choose a simple phrase to start your day with, write it down and get in the habit of saying it every morning and see how it changes your day.

I can hear you as you read this. Get a coach?

You’re probably thinking, you don’t need a coach because you don’t play a sport. But my friends, life is a sport, and it’s not a spectator sport. As long as you are here you are playing whether you like it or not. The real questions are, how well are you playing and how well do you want to play?

This post was inspired by a friend of mine who shared with me that he recently hired a tennis coach. One of the things I heard him say during our conversation was “I wish I had hired a coach sooner.’  The reason he wished he had hired a coach sooner was that he had seen a noticeable difference in his game after the first coaching session.

Now you may not want to improve in a sport but what about other areas of life. What if you want to be a better parent, spouse or leader? What would even a slight improvement in any of these areas of your life look like?

Getting a coach is probably the best way to improve because you can receive almost immediate feedback and make changes accordingly. But, if you don’t want to get a coach at least find role models or mentors that you can learn from. Remember, the difference between a good life and a great life can almost always be attributed to few small changes being made on a consistent basis.

Who have you given your power to?

Who has the ability to irritate and aggravate you?

Why did you give them the power to do so?

No one can upset you or rattle you unless you let them. Yes, I know this is a bold statement but it is the truth. The ability to control how you respond to the behavior of others is or at least can be in your control.

Learning to control how you feel does take practice because you have been taught over time that it’s okay to blame other people for how you feel. You’ve heard a life time of ‘oh he made me so mad, or she’s really irritating,’ and these statements have played their part in teaching you that your emotions are tied to how others behave towards you.

Try something novel today. If you find yourself getting upset or angry about something just stop for a moment and smile. You might feel a little silly at first, but this one small act will change your entire physiology. It will give you the opportunity to realize that you do have the ability to take back control of your emotions.

How do you see yourself and how do others see you?

The answers to these questions essentially define your identity. But, what if how you see yourself and how others see you are not in alignment. Even more important is, what if you want to change who you are but those that are most familiar with you refuse to see you as the person you want to become?

As humans it is easier for us to process the world when we are able to put labels or names to things, and this applies to people too. Mother, father, daughter, son, friend, boss etc. allow us to categorize the people in our lives so our brains can continue to process other information. So when people see you a certain way it’s because it helps them better navigate their world.

Fighting back against how people see you is a losing proposition. It’s a battle that really not worth your time or energy. If they are going to change how they see you then it’s something that they have to come to terms with. The best way to deal with it is that you have to act according to how you see yourself allow them to be themselves.

How do you become the person you want to be?

Do you want to be generous, do you want to be healthier, do you want to be smarter, do you want to be a better parent, friend or spouse? The good news is that you can be and the simplest way to do this is to behave like the person you want to be.

Imagine what it would look like if you were actually the person you want to be. What kind of behaviors and habits would that person have? What would their day look like? How would people describe them? For example we’ve all heard someone say. ‘Oh she’s so generous,’ or ‘She’s so healthy.’ They say that because there’s a set of behaviors that a person has that are clearly visible.

So, if there’s an image in your head about the person you want to be then find someone that already fits that image and observe what they are doing. It’s often said that success leaves clues and fortunately this applies to all areas of life.

Have you ever just ‘Googled’ something and half an hour later you find yourself looking at a video of cats dancing?

Or perhaps you just wanted to be ‘current on the news’ and again you found yourself watching a video of cats. Trust me you’re not alone. Studies show that the majority of time spent on the internet is wasted time.

The fact that you find yourself aimlessly clicking through websites is not all your fault. The websites of today are designed with the help of psychologists and other experts in human behavior in order to keep you there longer and move you through a funnel. The scrolling and clicking has essentially become an addiction, a mindless behavior.

So, how do you break the addiction? The best way to start is to get in the habit of asking yourself ‘do I really need this information right now?’ Another way is to get into the habit of stop reading after a specific time limit and then to put down or walk away from your device. This gives your brain an opportunity to relax after being stimulated.

Remember the majority of what you are reading is put in front of you for the purpose of showing you advertising. And although you might feel as though you are immune to the ads every pixel on your screen is taking up space in your brain with or without your consent.  So maybe next time, ‘don’t just Google it.’

Do you have a stop doing list?

Many people have a’ to do list,’ but not many have a stop doing list. This list could include habits you don’t like, over committing your time, perhaps an attitude change towards people or situations.

Here are some ideas for a stop doing list.

Stop saying yes to every request of your time.

Stop over indulging in food and/or alcohol.

Stop making excuses for things you want to do.

Stop procrastinating.

Stop reacting to every text, email, notification and respond on your own time.

Stop complaining about things you can’t change. E.g. The weather, the news, the economy, other people etc.

Stop limiting yourself just because you don’t want to stand out.

Stop comparing your life, business, and relationships to others.

Consuming yourself in your to do’s does not give you the opportunity to focus on your not to do’s. And very often it’s the things you should stop doing that are holding you back. So give yourself sometime this week and focus on one thing you want to stop doing.

If you’ve ever been in phone sales then you’re probably familiar with the phrase ‘smiling and dialing.’ The reason for smiling before you dial is that it changes your entire physiology and often the person on the other end of the line that can only hear your voice can sense that you are smiling.

Research shows that putting a big smile on your face actually triggers happiness in your brain. Smiling has also shown to improve creativity since a brain in a positive state is open to ideas, which in turn improves problem solving.

Consciously smiling during times of anger or frustration can immediately change your view on a situation. Smiling will send a message to your brain that things will be okay and perhaps aren’t as serious as you think they are.

Making an effort throughout your day to smile will not only enhance your mood and well-being, but will also make you more likable and enjoyable to be around.

How many fishing trips do you have left?

I know you might say none because you don’t fish. This is true, but instead of fishing let’s say summers instead. I once attended a seminar where the speaker gave the example of fishing trips to put life into perspective. At the time of his example he was 50 and he said that if he was fortunate to be above average and lived to be 90 then he probably only had 40 fishing trips left. 40 trips might sound like a lot, but if each trip was only 5 days long then 200 days of fishing was all he had left.

Putting your years into perspective can really help you decide if you’re spending your time with people you love and doing things you really enjoy doing. It can also help you realize that many of the small things that might seem so important at the time are trivial in the grand scheme of time.

The unfortunate post script of this story is that the speaker actually died about 4 years after he gave his presentation. This in itself serves a lesson that he had even less time than he thought he did.

How much time to do you spend really connecting with people? And how present are you when you are doing so?

The ability to really connect with another individual is a skill that like any other skill has to be continually practiced. Listening plays a key role in connecting. Many times when we think we are listening we are only hearing. Our brain is actually formulating our own responses and preparing to share our thoughts instead of paying attention to what the person is saying.

Listening with intent engages a different part of brain than just hearing. Studies show that if you really pay attention to what another individual is saying then your brain will start to fire the same neurons as the other person. Essentially your brain will sync with their brain which in turn will increase your empathy for them. Increasing your level of empathy will drive you to have more meaningful connections with others.

So, the next time you’re engaged in a conversation, try not rushing to say your next thought. Really just try to listen with an open mind and experience how different the conversation feels. At first this will take some getting used to because it will feel as though the conversation is in slow motion. But over time this practice will lead you to have deeper connections to people you engage with.

If you’ve read any legal document or purchase agreement carefully then I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase “Terms and conditions are subject to change.”

The reason for this phrase is that companies know that decisions they make are based on old information and they might need to change their business as they come across new information.

So, are you subject to change too? Or do you continue to base all your future decisions on old information regardless of all the new information you come across.  One way to tell is if find yourself using phrases such as:

This is just who I am.

I can’t see it any other way or can’t do that.

I always do it this way.

I’ve never.

I don’t.

This is how things are or just how it is.

All of these statements are based in a point in time when your experience, education and logic came together to give you a reason for behaving in certain manner. But, what if the information you had relied on was wrong? And you’ve continued to use it to decide who you are today? The next time you find yourself saying or thinking one of the phrases, stop and ask yourself if  you’re ‘subject to change.’