What’s Your Preference?

Preference is a sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. Ambrose Bierce

Should the toilet paper hang over or under?

Do you brush your teeth before or after breakfast?

Is it better to shower in the morning or evening?

Is there a correct answer to any of these questions?

In the grand scheme of life, these are trivial questions that lend themselves to individual preferences. But still, people will debate whether there’s a correct way to do any of the activities mentioned above.

How much of your energy is spent fighting for your preferences?

Is your identity tied to your preferences?

Do you feel weak if you don’t stand firm with your preferences?

What if, for one day, you let go of your preferences?

Not compromise, because compromise carries its own baggage, but just let go.

If this sounds ridiculous or even a little scary, that’s even better.

Go ahead and give it a try.

Remember, ultimately, preferences are precisely what they say they are. It’s how you prefer a thing to be, not how it should be.

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Use Your Words

You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life. Zig Ziglar

How many beautiful words do you have in your vocabulary?

Words that you can regularly use to make someone smile, laugh, and feel loved.

What are you doing with these words?

Are you saving them for a special occasion?

Do you know that if you use kind, warm, uplifting words, you won’t run out of them?

Then what are you saving them for?

There’s someone you know that needs to hear something nice today.

There’s a person that’s close to you that is questioning their life.

There’s a person close to you that’s having a hard day.

There’s a person that needs to know that they’re loved.

Tell them today.

You’ve been gifted with the ability to change people’s lives with words. You have a choice to make.

Are you going to use words to tear people down or lift them up?

Use all your beautiful words whenever you can. It might feel strange at first, and people you’re close to might be taken back by your new-found niceness, but deep down, through their suspicion, they’ll appreciate your kindness.

And if you’re struggling with which words to use, here’s a suggestion.

What words would you like to hear someone say to you?

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Undivided Attention

The greatest gift you can give anyone is your undivided attention. Will Schwalbe

What would it look like if during your next conversation you gave the person your undivided attention?

What would it feel like if you focused on every word they said?

Do you think you’re capable of doing so?

The reality is that you can never give 100% of your attention to anything because your brain is wired for survival, so it’s constantly surveying your surroundings.

But what if, even for just a few minutes, you gave them as much attention as you could?

As Stephen Covey said in his 7 Habits book “communication is the most important skill in life.” And the first step to great communication is “first seek to understand.” However, understanding is almost impossible to do if you’re not paying attention.

So give it a try today.

In your interactions and conversations pay attention and see what happens.

Who knows? The person you’re speaking with might give you their undivided attention too.

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The Shadows

When walking through the 'valley of shadows,' remember, a shadow is cast by a Light. Austin O'Malley

What’s the difference between shade and shadow?

You might seek shade on a sunny day and perhaps avoid shadows on a dark night.

Both are caused by the obstruction of light.

What about in your life?

Do you avoid the shadows?

Do the temporary dark moments cause you anxiety and fear?

When you look at an object or painting, it’s the shadows that give it perspective. The shadows provide the depth and richness that is often admired. The same applies to your life too.

It’s difficult to accept or embrace hardship, but without it, life would be flat, and you would be missing the dimension of depth.

Remember, there has to be a source of light for a shadow to exist, and the light can come in various forms. The most potent light will come from inside you. It will be your perspective of how you view the shadows.

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Is Now a Good Time?

Is Now a Good Time?

Is now a good time to go for a walk?

Is now a good time to make ‘the’ call?

Is now a good time to tell them you love them?

Is now a good time to start that new project?

Is now a good time to commit to being healthy?

Is now a good time to say no?

Is now a good time to write that book, letter, or memoir?

Is now a good time for…?

You won’t find now on a calendar or clock, but it’s probably the most critical time in your life.

Now happens in a blink of an eye.

A decision in the now doesn’t have to be huge. It can be as simple as one tiny action or writing something down, whatever it takes to capture your now so you can act on it as soon as possible.

What’s on your now list?

What can you do right now after reading this? Take a minute to write it down.

Now can be the difference between yes, I did, and wish I had.

Is it a coincidence that now spelled backward is won?

Or maybe when you learn to master your now, you’ve won.

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Unbiased Opinions

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde

Have you ever shared an unbiased opinion?

Do you believe that you can ever really be impartial?

It’s easy and, at times, reassuring to think that you can, in effect, share an opinion or thought that is void of bias but probably impossible.

You see, your experiences color every opinion you share, and even if you try to prevent your experience from influencing your judgment, it’s already too late.

The ultimate bias lies in self-preservation.

The ultimate flaw in opinions is the need and desire to be or at least appear to be correct, right, or intelligent.

If you really want to express an unbiased opinion, then it’s essential to know and acknowledge that you do indeed have biases. And perhaps even more critical, when you’re seeking advice or the opinion of others, realize that they, too have biases.

The next time you’re swayed by or being influenced by the opinions of others, keep in mind that they’re based on their experiences, not yours. And if you’re ever asked for your unbiased opinion, then be honest and say that you’ll be happy to share your opinion, but it will not be unbiased.

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Residual Odor

What you feed your mind determines your appetite. Zig Ziglar

Do you remember the last time you were in a smoke-filled room or restaurant only to leave with your clothes smelling like the room you were in?

The lingering effect of the odor is called residual impact.

Even though you’re no longer in the environment and couldn’t see what caused the odor, you’re still affected by the experience.

Luckily for you, a good cleaning can quickly remove the odor in your clothes.

But what about your mind?

How many different ‘smoke-filled rooms’ do you take your mind through regularly?

What environments do you expose it to, and how much residual odor are you unknowingly experiencing?

What emotions are being triggered by what you read, see and watch?

Because it’s not readily apparent, it’s very easy to deny the fact that your mind and, ultimately, your emotional state are affected by what you expose it to. And if you really think about it then you know that all media is designed to change your emotional state; otherwise, it wouldn’t exist.

Now the choice is yours.

Which smoke-filled rooms do you want your mind to end up smelling like?

Consider this. You can’t walk through a sewage plant expecting to walk out smelling like roses.

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The Idea Of

Do you like the idea of being happy? Do you like the idea of being healthy or the idea of being wealthy? The idea of being in a relationship or any other endeavor?

I was walking yesterday morning and saw a man walking a large black and white Old English sheepdog. Now, if you’ve ever seen one of these dogs, you know that they are beautiful, and for a quick minute, my mind wandered to the idea of owning such a dog. But very quickly I realized that I liked the idea, but not the work and maintenance that’s required in owning one.

Falling into the trap of liking the idea of something is very easy to do because your mind rushes to the end product, the picture of how your life would look. And there’s nothing wrong with imagining how you want your life to look. In fact, it’s the starting point of all great journeys.

The key is to realize that every end product, every idea, and dream is going to take a lot of work and very often more work than you realized. It will take work to start, continue, and maintain, and just liking the ‘idea of’ will not get you there.

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I’m Back

Since I stopped publishing blog posts back in June, a few readers have very kindly reached out and said they had missed my writing, which is both touching and humbling.

So, I’m back.

Well, I’m not technically back.

What I’ve decided to do, is once a week, on Saturday morning, I will republish posts that I’ve written in the past. Just one post on a Saturday. A tiny morsel for you to chew on as you slip into your weekend.

Of course, on occasion, I might even write a new post. Either way, we’ll once again be companions on this journey.

This is my way of honoring and appreciating those who reached out to me.

Thank you again for your kindness and support in this endeavor.

Intentionally,

Raj

P.S. Since I have an inventory of one thousand posts and am only going to publish once a week, we’re going to be together for…if my math is correct, about nineteen years. So, buckle up.

P.P.S. And of course, do share with one person you think might enjoy or benefit from the blog.

One Thousand

Life is a circle. The end of one journey is the beginning of the next. Joseph M. Marshall III

This is blog post number one thousand. And for now, the end of this writing journey.

I’ve been writing this blog since January of 2016, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have only missed a couple of entries due to power outages and occasional issues while traveling. My process is simple, I write directly to a Word document and then publish it to my website. The Word document shows that I’ve written 278,236 words and is 1028 pages long.

For those that have been following along, you might know I started this blog because clients and people I’d been advising suggested I share my ideas with a broader audience. Like any other creative knows, I needed to define my audience, so I chose my daughters.

I wanted to leave them small nuggets of advice and ideas that might help them accelerate their learning and prompt them to think differently.

What began as an exercise in sharing advice that I thought would be relevant to them led to a published book and even speaking engagements with book signings.

I’m sharing this not to brag or boast but to illustrate some of the unpredictable results that can occur with consistent effort.

I hope that by reading this blog, I’ve also positively impacted your life and perhaps even inspired you to begin a small project of your own.

So, while this might be goodbye, for now, I will reserve the right to come back if I feel that there are additional thoughts that I’d like to share with you and my girls.

Thanks for reading!

Home

Home sweet home. This is the place to find happiness. If one doesn’t find it here, one doesn’t find it anywhere. M. K. Soni

Where do you go once you’ve reached your goal?

Where do you go once you’ve completed your trip?

Where do you go after winning the game?

I could keep going, but hopefully, you get the message, and I’ll give you the answer in the interest of time. Although, if you read the title, then you know the answer is home.

So, why am I bringing your attention to your home?

Because, as the proverbs say, home is where the heart is. What the proverb means is that your home is the place where you feel most loved and that you should love the most.

I want to add that you should consider your home your sanctuary, a special place where you feel safe. And a place where you can return daily to rest and rejuvenate your body and mind.

Research shows that the environment in which a person lives is connected to their sense of well-being. So, whether you’re single, married, or live in an apartment or a house, learn to treat your home with reverence. Fill it with objects and attributes that positively feed your emotions and brings you joy and peace.

When all is said and done in life, regardless of the wins, losses, accolades, and obstacles, the one place you always return to is your home. So, be intentional about your home. Treat it with care and love, and you might find that it’ll do the same for you too.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, please share it with one person you love.

Self-Motivation

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.  Napoleon Hill

How do you motivate yourself when you don’t feel like doing what you know you need to do?

In the previous question, notice I didn’t say, do what you must do. I didn’t say you must do because you have to do only a handful of musts. You need little else for basic survival besides eating, sleeping, and bodily functions. And if basic survival is all you’re aiming for, you can stop reading and get back to it.

However, if you’re seeking any kind of personal progress, then you must learn to overcome inertia. You must find ways to motivate yourself, even when you’re not in the mood or feel like doing so.

While there are no hard and fast rules to motivating yourself, I can share a few ideas that might spur you to action.

First, start with the end in mind. If you can vividly picture yourself accomplishing a goal or living a life that’s compelling for you, you can use that as a motivating force to pull you towards it.

Second, learn to negotiate with yourself. When you find yourself in a lackluster mood, as we all do at times, remind yourself of the benefits of sticking to your commitments. Write out or think about the pros and cons of action versus inaction and consider the fact that whichever path you choose has the probability of compounding itself in either direction.

Lastly, think about the kind of person you want to be known as. Not to others, but yourself. Do you want to be the kind of person that you can trust and rely on, or are you willing to lose trust in yourself? Trust in yourself can be a virtuous or vicious cycle. You can either use it to build yourself up or let it erode to the point where you no longer attempt to do anything.

So, the next time you find yourself at the crossroads of knowing what you need to do but aren’t motivated to do so. Hopefully, one of these ideas will spur you towards moving towards what’s best for you.

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Focus on What You Have

it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

How much time do you spend focusing on what you have versus what you want?

It’s been said that one of the most significant contributors to unhappiness is focusing on what you don’t have instead of what you have. While the previous sentence might seem obvious, the obvious is easily overlooked.

Focusing on what you have doesn’t require you to stop dreaming and pursuing goals. After all, you’re human, and humans are designed to think about the future. But there’s a difference between thinking about the future and being so consumed by it that you neglect the present.

Staying grounded in the present and appreciating your current circumstances requires effort, especially when you’re constantly bombarded with messages from external sources about how your life could and should look. You’re always being sold on the idea that you need more in order to be happy.

The idea that you need more leaves you with a hollow feeling of dissatisfaction with your current life – a bottomless hole you’re always trying to fill. But the only way to plug the hole is to be happy with what you currently have.

I understand that what I’m suggesting is easier said than done and is contrary to many of the messages of popular culture. But popular culture rarely has your best interest at heart. Its job is to prey on your unhappiness and keep you wanting more.

So, the next time you find yourself thinking you’ll be happy when you acquire a particular object or accomplish a specific goal, re-focus on what you already have. Learn to appreciate your current state in life, and perhaps even remind yourself that happiness can be a choice you make, and it doesn’t have to be contingent on what you have or do not have.

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Mentors

A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.
Oprah Winfrey

Who are your mentors?

Who do you allow to guide and influence you?

Are you actively choosing mentors or passively leaving it to chance?

Whether you realize it or not, you are being mentored. You’re being mentored by the individuals and, in some cases, the organizations you allow to influence your thoughts and, subsequently, your actions. That’s why it’s essential to choose your mentors actively.

How should you choose your mentors?

Fortunately, there’s not a one size fits all answer to this question.

Since the advent of the internet, which in case you don’t realize, has not always existed, you’re no longer limited to finding mentors that you know personally. Although there is an upside to mentors you know personally because there’s a greater opportunity to vet them in person and meet with them face to face. But if you’re judicious enough, you can also find excellent mentors online.

When identifying a mentor, it’s important to find someone who aligns with your values and guides you towards getting what you want out of life. You want a person that challenges your thinking, not because they’re attempting to influence you to think like they do but pushes you to think about why you’re pursuing your chosen path.

So, the next time you’re thinking about an area of your life that you’d like to improve, consider finding a mentor to help you on your journey. Identify a person or people that have your best interest in mind and let them guide you in achieving your goals.

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You’re the Expert

No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life. Nietzsche

Who knows more about you than you do?

No one.

That’s right. When it comes to you, you’re the expert.

No one will ever experience your life the way you will.

Now there might be people that know you well and can guess, with some degree of accuracy, how you might react or respond to specific situations, but that’s because they’re using pattern recognition based on your previous behavior.

So, what does it mean to be the expert on yourself?

It means that since you know yourself the best, you’re also the best-suited person to help yourself through life.

Before I continue, let me clarify. I’m not suggesting or recommending that you try to solve problems or overcome challenges by yourself. By all means, seek help when you need to and use whatever resources you can find to help you navigate life. But keep in mind that regardless of the solutions you find, only you’ll know what works for you.

Being an expert on yourself doesn’t mean you have all the answers to life – it means through trial and error and self-reflection, you’ll begin to learn what’s best for you. And, like any other expert, you’ll need to adopt the mindset of a researcher, constantly looking for answers to questions and embracing ambiguity as you encounter new circumstances.

So, keep in mind that while the idea of being an expert on yourself can sound like a huge burden to carry, it’s also liberating because, deep down, if you listen closely, you will always know what’s best for you.

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Appeal to Your Self-Interests

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. Carl Jung

Has someone ever persuaded you to do something?

How did they do it?

They appealed to either an obvious or, in some cases, your hidden self-interest.

Professional salespeople, the outstanding ones, are excellent at saying and doing things that entice your self-interest.

If appealing to your self-interests sounds manipulative, it’s because it is. And although manipulation might carry a negative connotation in your mind, it can also be a positive force.

For example, if you have a self-interest in health, you can manipulate your living environment by eliminating unhealthy foods to increase your chances of being healthy.

Appealing to your self-interests begins with knowing what you want out of life. Without this first step, there’s nothing to entice.

Once you’ve identified a few concrete self-interests, then you can begin to take steps to draw yourself toward them. These steps include, but are not limited to, self-praise, focusing on gain and not sacrifice, and imagining how you’ll feel in the future.

Self-praise may feel awkward at first, especially if you’re not used to complimenting yourself, but it’s important that you learn to do so. Self-praise is about shifting from seeking external validation to validating yourself for your efforts. It provides you with acceptance for who you are and encourages you to keep working towards what you hope to accomplish.

Focusing on gains rather than sacrifices shifts your attention away from some of the hard work that comes with achieving anything worthwhile. It is akin to self-manipulation but, as I noted earlier, is a great weapon when used appropriately.

Your image of how you’ll feel in the future once you’ve hit specific goals or milestones speaks directly to your self-interest because that’s the person you desire to be. Leverage your future image to persuade yourself to act in your own best interests.

So, spend some time today identifying your self-interests and then take the necessary steps to act in ways that bring them to life.

P.S. Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, please share it with one person you love.

Benefit of the Doubt

If you want someone to believe in you, believe in others. Denise Linn

How often do you extend the benefit of the doubt?

If you’re not quite sure what the benefit of the doubt is, here’s the definition to help you along. When giving someone the benefit of the doubt, you are believing what they say and taking their word because you, yourself, have some doubt about what happened.

The last part of the definition is the most crucial point. You take their word because you have some doubt as to what happened.

How often do you feel you have all the facts about a particular event or situation?

Now, let’s be honest, just between you and me. How often is it even possible to have all the facts?

Hopefully, we can both agree that having all the facts is rarely possible.

So, what happens when you have partial information or think you know what might have occurred?

Do you dig your heels in and maintain your position as holder of the truth, or do you extend the benefit of the doubt?

Giving a person the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean you take the position of a pushover and let people take advantage of you. It means extending grace, patience, and taking the position that the person you’re dealing with doesn’t harbor harmful intentions towards you.

Obviously, extending the benefit of the doubt works better with people you’ve known for a while, but it can also work well with strangers if you believe you live in a friendly and not hostile world. By the way, research shows that while there is the occasional bad actor, most people are not only friendly but, in certain circumstances, willing to help others.

So, the next time you find yourself questioning a person’s actions towards you, if you don’t have all the facts, try giving them the benefit of the doubt. You may find that when you do, they may do the same for you too.

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Now What?

Fall down seven times, get up eight – Japanese Proverb

Your idea didn’t work.

Now what?

You were rejected.

Now what?

You lost the game.

Now what?

You failed.

Now what?

I could continue listing several more unfortunate scenarios that will lead to asking, now what, but I figure you’ve got the point.

So, what will you do when you encounter failures, rejections, and setbacks?

Wallowing in self-pity and quitting are both valid options, but for how long?

Eventually, you’ll have to ask yourself, now what do I do?

When you’re faced with the question of now what to do, your options are live a life of resignation, one where you no longer attempt anything you want to do or pick yourself up and continue moving forward and pursuing the things you want out of life.

While the first option of not pursuing what you desire might seem like a safe bet, it will leave you feeling hollow and unfulfilled. It may even lead to a life of regret when you realize that, as the poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Now the second option of picking yourself up and continuing your pursuit is one that is dotted with emotional landmines, some that might be obvious but others hidden. When you encounter them, you’ll again be forced to deal with a now what scenario. But even though this path may leave you with scars, emotional and at times physical, it will also leave you feeling more fulfilled and even a sense of pride because you went for it.  

So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where things didn’t go the way you wanted, and you’re asking your asking yourself, now what to do. Remind yourself that while it might be tempting to turn inward and lead a hermetically sealed life, that’s not what you’re designed to do. You’re meant to create and pursue, not because you’ll always be successful, but because it’s what life is all about.

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Inspiration Is Overvalued

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Thomas Edison

What’s the problem with inspiration?

Well, there’s nothing inherently wrong with inspiration, except that it only strikes as frequently as being struck by lightning. And while we’re happy that we can escape the infrequent strikes of lightning, we long for inspiration—that magic moment when we’re moved to do something fresh and original, to act.

You probably know how exciting it feels to have an aha moment when a new idea or thought comes to mind, and you feel compelled to do something. But what happens once that moment wears off?

How do you maintain momentum?

If you speak with any professional who appears to have been inspired to produce any lasting body of work, they will tell you that while inspiration might have played a role initially, it wasn’t enough. They had to commit to putting in the work to bring the inspiration to fruition.

Inspiration is the spark that lights the kindling, but the continuous effort is the oxygen that allows the fire to stay alive.

Newton with his apple, Einstein with his beam of light, and the Wright brothers with their flying machines are just a few examples of historical figures that were moved by moments of inspiration. But then spent countless years formulating and birthing their ideas into the world.

I’m not by any means attempting to say that feeling inspired is not a good thing or even something you shouldn’t actively seek out. I’m just letting you know that it’s only the beginning of a potentially long journey.

So, the next time you find yourself struck by inspiration, capture the moment so that you can revisit it and use it as your north star, your why for doing whatever you’ve chosen to do.

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First Accept, Then Improve

No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance. Robert Holden

How can you navigate the fine line between accepting who you are and yet, working on improving yourself?

Whenever you think about self-improvement, you’re sending a subtle message that you’re not happy or satisfied with aspects of who you currently are. And if you’re not careful, your messages to yourself can be overly self-critical and disparaging. But on the other hand, if you don’t motivate yourself to improve, then there’s a chance that you’ll fall into to trap of complacency.

While there’s no one answer to the predicament of accepting and also looking for ways to improve who you are, there are steps you can take to help you manage the challenge.

Self-acceptance begins with learning to accept yourself regardless of whether others accept you or not. So much about how you feel about yourself has been transmitted to you, without your implicit approval, by people you’ve spent most of your life with. Parents and close friends, especially during your formative years, are significant contributors to how you feel about yourself and often lead you to feel conditionally accepted. And as you go through life, you carry this feeling of, if only I do or accomplish a particular goal or task, can you accept yourself.

The feeling of conditional acceptance can be a strong influencing factor in your seeking self-improvement. Essentially, it’s a message you send yourself saying that you’re working to improve yourself, not for the sake of improvement, but because you’re not good enough or don’t accept who you are.

Transitioning from conditional to full acceptance of who you are allows you to build a strong foundation upon which you can now begin to improve.

So, then next time you find yourself thinking about improving an area of your life, ask yourself if you’re doing it to fill a void left by conditional approval or because it’s something you want to do for yourself. You’ll find that if you’re trying to fill a hole, your efforts will be futile, and you’ll always be looking down. But, if the improvement is for yourself, you’ll be moving upward, and the sky’s the limit.

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