How do you feel when you think you made all the right choices, but it still didn’t work out for you?

Do you begin to doubt yourself?

Do you start sliding in to the ‘why me?’

Do you become bitter, not only with yourself, but also towards those who seem to ‘have it all?’

These are normal feelings, but if not addressed while still fresh will begin to lead you down a vicious cycle. You’ll begin to slip into what is known as a negative feedback loop, and you will begin to reaffirm all your feelings of self-doubt and ideas about failure.

So how do you prevent yourself from entering the cycle?

Well, you start by disaggregating events. That’s just a fancy way of saying; view each event as separate from the other. If you listen to people complaining you’ll often hear them saying, then this happened and then that happened, very often making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.

Once you begin to view events as separate, then allow yourself some honesty and grace as you ask yourself, what role you played; what was your contribution to the event. This might take some real deep introspection, but keep in mind; this is to prevent you from entering the downward spiral, so well worth the effort.

Now here’s the hardest part, don’t let the event define you because if you do, then you have affirmed that this is the person you are. And like it or not, your mind will begin to look for evidence to support your claim.

Breaking out of or preventing yourself from entering cycles is difficult, but ultimately you have a choice. Cycles are ultimately feedback loops. So if you stop giving yourself negative feedback, and begin to find ways to give yourself positive feedback, even incremental, you’ll begin to see changes.

Ultimately, it’s your life and whether you agree or not, you do have a choice of when to intervene and say stop. And make the decision, if you’re going to allow yourself to enter vicious or virtuous cycles.

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I wonder.

Do you wonder?

Do you ever just let your mind wander in wonder?

Letting your mind wander in wonder might not seem like the best use of your time, and I agree if you do for hours or days at time, but a few minutes a day can be refreshing and rewarding.

Right now, in this moment, there are so many things around you that would leave you awestruck if you just paid a little bit of attention.

If you just allowed yourself to wonder.

If you allowed yourself to marvel at the magnificence of your immediate surroundings and beyond.

The sheer beauty, not only in the aesthetic sense, but also the utilitarian sense of all that is around you is easy to take for granted. For example, you might be reading this on an electronic device that is capturing the information from right out of the air around you.

Now if that doesn’t inspire a feeling of wonder-ful, then I would venture to say that you’re not looking hard enough. And you’ve become numb to all the miracles around, because you take them for granted.

Step away for a moment or two throughout your day and allow yourself to wonder, to marvel. To look below your feet and imagine the millions of life forms sharing the planet with you, and then look up at the sky and think about infinite number of planets and stars that you’re a part of.

If you take the time to break the monotony of your days with speed bumps of awe and wonder, then soon enough you’ll begin to realize the magnificence of your existence.

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What do you think you deserve?

Why is this an important question?

Because, you’ll act accordingly.

If you don’t feel worthy, or as though you deserve, then you will behave that way. Even though deep down you might think that you deserve certain things or situations in your life, if you don’t act in congruence with those thoughts then in essence, you will sabotage your own self.

The gap between what you think you deserve and what you get is usually filled with fear.

Why fear?

Because in order for you to get what you think you deserve you have to change, and change is scary. In fact, for some it’s so scary that they’d rather stay where they are, longing for what they want, rather than commit to changing.

Are you going to be one of those people?

The kind of person that knows they deserve better or different, but will not change because it’s safer to stay where you’re at and dream rather than do. If you are, then that’s okay, but be prepared to continuously feel unfulfilled.

Be prepared to live with the hollow feeling of knowing that you deserve so much more, but are not willing to leave the safety of who you are in order to get what you want.

On the other hand, if you decide that you are going to pursue what you believe you deserve, then I congratulate you and I should warn you.

Yes, warn you.

It’s not going to be easy. And it’s not guaranteed that you’ll get exactly what you think you deserve.

Now you might be asking, then why go through all the trouble?

Because deep down inside you’ll be and feel more fulfilled knowing that at least you tried. You’ll know that you lived with the courage of pursuing the things that you believed you deserved.

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What do you need to move on from?

What have you done in your past that is holding you back?

Perhaps even more important, what has someone else done to you that is holding you back?

What are you still holding on to that is not serving you?

What has happened to you has already happened, it’s over.

How long are you going to carry it with you?

Easier said than done?

Yes. Absolutely!

But you still have a choice.

You can either let your past bad experiences, failures and heartaches dictate your future, or you can wipe the slate clean and move on.

You can continue to ask, why did this happen to me?

Or you can move on.

One way to think of what happened to you in your past is like an invisible net that’s been cast over you and is now holding you back. And each time you revisit those negative events in your mind, the net gets just a little tighter, until eventually you just can’t move any more. You’re just stuck replaying your past.

I’ll repeat, this is not easy and moving on takes work, sometimes more than you think it will, but it’s not impossible.

So, if you feel yourself being held back by things from your past, work at leaving them behind and move on. Your future self will thank you for do so.

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Picture an apple in your mind.

A beautiful shiny apple that looks delicious and is ready to eat.

Did you do it?

I’ll trust that you did.

Now tell me, are you that apple?

The obvious answer is that you’re not the apple. You’re only thinking about the apple.

So why the apple exercise?

Well, this is a great example of a conscious thought. However, it’s also an example that illustrates that you are not your thoughts.

Why is this important?

It’s important because your mind is not always your friend. Your mind has a mind of its own. If you’ve ever caught yourself asking yourself, ‘why am I thinking of that?’ Well, that’s your mind churning away in the background just doing its own thinking.

This is neither good nor bad, it just is.

Your mind is an amazing storyteller and concocts images and stories in a blink of an eye, many of which are highly steeped in fiction. Yes, most of the time your mind just makes stuff up. Now how much of the stuff you want to believe is up to you.

Oh, and by the way, it’ll also make up a lot of stuff about you that isn’t true. And the worst part is that it’s not always good stuff.

So how do you know what to believe?

Well you don’t.

But you do have a choice.

You can choose to believe all, none or some of the thoughts your mind generates.

So how do you filter which ones?

Well, what if you categorized them in disempowering and empowering thoughts?

What if you ignored the self-critical thoughts and started to lean heavily into the thoughts that give you self-confidence?

Some might argue that this is not realistic approach to life and that too much self-confidence is not a good a thing. And I would agree with them. But, I’d rather you go out in to world and fail after attempting to do something rather than tell yourself you can’t do it before you even try.

So the next time you find your mind telling you all the things you can’t do or being self-critical, remember the apple. Just because you’re thinking it doesn’t mean that you’re it.

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Colour or color?

Neighbour or neighbor?

Centre or center?

Apologise or apologize?

There are many more examples.

So, what is the correct spelling of these words?

Well, it depends where you’re from.

They are all correct in their own parts of the world.

Why am I using spelling as an example?

Well, because it’s easy to do so.

You see, there’s a tendency to think that the way you were taught and brought up is the only right way to be and do. So when you encounter people that are different, you begin to judge based on what you know.

However, if you judge a person by their physical appearance or words they use before you learn who they really are, you are doing them and yourself a huge injustice.

More often than not, how you judge a person says more about you then about them. But this is not really your fault. The reason you do so is because it’s easy. That’s right, it’s easy.

It’s easier and takes less energy for your brain to go into its existing data base and retrieve information, rather than input and save new information, even if the information isn’t true.

What do I mean by not even true?

Well, if as a child you were shown a picture of someone with tattoos and told that only criminals have tattoos, well that’s now stored in your mental database.

So the next time you find yourself quickly judging someone by their accent, how they look or the words they use, pause for a moment and recall the examples of words I spelled. For them, they are 100% correct and you are wrong.  But, if you’re able to slow down or even suspend your judgement, you’ll open yourself to an opportunity to learn and perhaps even appreciate your differences.

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Right now.

As you read this.

You are at a crossroads.

Should you continue reading?

Or.

Should you stop?

For selfish reasons I hope you continue.

But.

I also hope you do what’s best for you.

This go, no go decision is entirely up to you.

And according to research, the average adult makes about 35,000 decisions per day.

So about 35,000 times per day you are at a crossroads.

Actually, I’m using crossroads as a simple illustration. But a crossroads only gives you limited options. Whereas in life, your options in any given moment can range from two, which is the binary, go, no go, to in some cases almost unlimited.

So how do you learn to make the best decisions for yourself?

Well, that’s a great question and I’m glad you asked.

The reality is that it’s impossible to evaluate every decision, because you really don’t have the time to do so. And not all decisions carry the same weight. Some are obviously more important than others.

For example, what you have for breakfast can be automated. The big decision here is, if you decide you want to eat for health reasons, then your nutritional options are limited, which actually works in you favor. Now you have fewer options to decide from, and you can eliminate the ones that don’t lead towards health.

You can take similar steps in other areas of your life too. Once you’ve made the big decisions, then you can eliminate choices that don’t allow you to accomplish them. However, in order for you to achieve this, you have to have a level of introspection and self-awareness.

This means taking time to ask yourself what you really want to do with and in your life.

It means stopping, getting away from being on autopilot and really self-reflecting. This is one of those big decisions. In fact, I dare to say that this is the biggest decision you will ever make. Because, if you don’t, then as you come to the crossroads 35,000 times per day, you’ll just take the first road you see.

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A doctor becomes an artist.

An engineer becomes an elementary school teacher.

A sociologist becomes an entrepreneur.

A mathematician becomes an astronaut.

The career track you start out on doesn’t have to be the track you finish on.

In fact the world is full of examples of people that studied one thing and ended up doing something totally different. Sometimes it happens by accident, and other times they realize it wasn’t what they thought it was going to be, so they made the change.

It takes courage to make such changes because the world has already categorized you as one thing, and now you’re going to be something totally different.

And you’re going to have to answer the question.

Why did you change careers?

What will you say?

Do you have the courage to answer the question?

Or will the fear of the question prevent you from changing?

You might think not, but there are people all around you today that are extremely dissatisfied with their careers, but will not change because they are afraid of the question.

They will let the question hold them hostage for their entire lives, only to realize, and sometimes too late, that they could have answered the question with a simple answer of, ‘I no longer enjoyed it and wanted to do something different.’

Yes, there will be follow up questions, especially in the form of the, what if’s?

But if you’re resolute in your actions you can power through and also learn to deflect such questions. Because deep down you’ll know this is ultimately your life and only you get to decide what you’re going to do with it.

So if you have an opportunity to change careers, or learn about a career that you’ve never heard of, or never previously existed and you want to explore, don’t let what you’re already doing hold you back. Take measured steps, be wise about it, but don’t be afraid to change.

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Mirror mirror on the wall…

Well perhaps not quite like mirror mirror on the wall, but more along the lines of mirror mirror in the world.

You see, life has a tendency to reflect back to you how you see the world. It will confirm your inner most thoughts and beliefs.

Now you don’t have to believe me, but what if it is true?

Well, you can give it a simple test.

Start thinking about something today and see just how many times that particular thing shows for you in the next few days.  Your mind has a way of confirming your beliefs and will provide you with evidence to support them.

Just imagine for a moment that you really could learn to shape your deepest thoughts and beliefs to create a life that works best for you.

Why wouldn’t you give it a shot?

What have you got to lose?

Look, the simple truth is that the life you’re currently living will always be here waiting for you if you decide to come back to it. The events and things you are experiencing and seeing aren’t going anywhere.

If it doesn’t work then you can always go back to your previous way of thinking. But if it does work, well now you can use it to your advantage.

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Appointment

Disappointment

It’s interesting how adding just 3 letters changes the entire meaning of a word.

Appointment is anticipatory, where you are expecting something to happen at a particular date and or time in the future. So you have story in your head about something that could or should happen, essentially hoping that all the powers and randomness in the universe will comply with your wishes and boom, it comes together for you.

And then when it doesn’t, you experience disappointment.

But disappointment is an event just like an appointment.

So how long should you experience it for?

Should it be equivalent to the duration of the event, less or more?

Or should it even exist?

Disappointment is complicated because it can evoke a number of other emotions and feelings, and can linger for a long time if you let it. You can also bring disappointment back to life after it has subsided by reliving or thinking about a past event.

There is an antidote, a cure if you will, for disappointment.

It’s acceptance.

Now this might sound a little controversial because it sounds passive. But it’s not. In fact acceptance is a very active and conscious act. Acceptance is the act, or almost the art of facing reality the way it is, and not how you hoped it would be.

Acceptance might sound hard to practice, but it’s only as difficult as you want it to be.

In this moment you could say to yourself that, this is how things are right now. No judgment, it’s just reality. It doesn’t mean things will always be like this, but for just right now, this is it.

So the next time you find yourself disappointed and your emotions are swirling, try to practice acceptance. At first this might feel difficult, but don’t be disappointed, just accept it.

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What happens when more isn’t enough?

Think about that for a moment.

More isn’t going to bring you satisfaction.

More isn’t going to bring you happiness.

More isn’t going to bring you fulfilment.

More isn’t the answer or the solution, because there’s too much more.

By the way, in case you’re wondering, less doesn’t work either.

What works is satisfaction with what is.

Once you accept and learn to be happy with, and enjoy what is, then less and more don’t matter.

People often mistake more for progress, but they are very different.

Progress is a natural human trait. The idea or concept of forward movement is what’s brought us to where we are today.

Progress like more is infinite.  The difference is if you only seek more then you experience a sense of lack, essentially a scarcity mindset.

But if you seek progress you will experience more fulfillment than if you seek more.

In your personal endeavors and your professional life, learn to pursue progress, and not more. When you do this you’ll find that regardless of less or more, you’ll continue to feel fulfilled.

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How do you speak and treat yourself?

Are you kind, forgiving, supportive and loving to yourself?

Or are you really hard on yourself, constantly telling yourself that you’re not good enough?

Relationships can be complicated, especially with those that are closest to you. But the most complicated relationship you’ll ever be involved in is the one you have with yourself.

Although it might be counter intuitive to think that you’re in a relationship with yourself, you are. If you don’t believe me then sit quietly for a moment and listen to the voice in your head that’s talking to you right now.

What’s it saying?

Is it telling you to continue reading?

Or.

Is it saying that this is all nonsense and you should go do something else?

The relationship you have with yourself is the most complicated because you spend the most time with yourself, and this allows you to see all your positive and negative actions and thoughts.

Now you can choose to focus on your flaws and keep reminding yourself of them. Or you can choose to remind yourself everyone has flaws, it’s just that yours are magnified because they’re always visible to you.

While your relationship with yourself will always be complicated, you have the power to decide how you treat yourself.

When you hear the voice in your head speaking to you, one of the best questions you can ask yourself is, how would someone else feel if I spoke to them this way? If you think they’d be okay with it then continue on, if not then maybe reconsider how you’re talking to yourself.

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Breaking news

Breaking shoes

Breakfast blues

Breading goose

Beading snooze

Eating juice

Seating zoos

You choose

You lose

If you’ve ever played the game of telephone then you’ll be familiar with the example of words in the list changing as they are shared from one person to another. Telephone is a fun game and can be quite entertaining in a game context.

But what happens when reality mimics the game?

Whenever you hear or read any information you rarely know how many people the information has been filtered through before it reaches you. You’ll have no idea how many biases or agendas have been sprinkled in and added to the information, either intentionally or unintentionally.

As you make decisions based on information you ingest, try to always keep in mind that rarely will you have access to firsthand information. The bigger the decision you have to make, the harder you should work at getting the most accurate information as possible.

For the most part, consider the majority of information you receive as entertainment or even rumors. It’s not produced to educate you but to keep you coming back for more. And be careful who you share it with because as accurate as you’ll try to be, you’ll just be one more person in a long game of telephone.

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100 meters hurdles.

110 meters hurdles.

Not challenging enough?

400 meter hurdles.

Not enough?

How about the Steeplechase?

3000 meters of hurdles and other obstacles.

Still not enough?

Okay.

Let’s get on horses and jump over hurdles.

I wonder what kind of person decides that they’re going to commit a part of their life participating in athletic events where they intentionally pit themselves against hurdles.

Are you one of those people?

If you’re not sure then I have news for you.

You are.

And you don’t have a choice in the matter.

Now you might not choose to put yourself in a position where you’re racing against hurdles, but don’t worry, life will manufacture them for you.

The size of your hurdles will vary, however, unlike the professional racers; you’ll rarely have opportunities to train for them in advance.

If you speak with or listen to professional hurdlers you’ll soon realize they have one thing in common, they all have confidence. They know that they can’t have any doubt or fear as they approach the hurdle, because if they do, it could lead to dire consequences. It’s not that they don’t have these feelings, but they have to find a way to control them, to temporarily bury them.

Burying or suspending doubt and fear is a learnable skill, even for you.

Imagine for a moment.

What would you attempt if you could bury or suspend your doubt and fear?

How would you train to increase your level of confidence?

What hurdles would you seek out?

How would your life change if you became a ‘professional’ life hurdler?

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What works for me?

Ask yourself this question.

Then apply this to every area of your life.

There is a catch.

How do you know what will work for you?

Well, you’ll have to experiment?

You’ll find that what works for you will usually be a combination of what has worked for you in your past and what works for other people sprinkled in with nuances that make it work for you. This blend will essentially provide you with customized solutions to fit your needs.

If all you do is attempt to exactly replicate other people’s methods, rarely will you get the results you’re looking for. Because and obviously, you’re not them. Although, you might share certain similarities, there are still minute differences that will give you wildly varying results.

Ultimately, and the sooner the better, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you are unique, just like everyone else. This insight will be liberating and you can begin to push towards activities, actions and techniques that have the potential to move you towards your personal aspirations.

By the way, people will always try to convince you that you that their way is the right way, and it is for them. Don’t begrudge them. Listen, and if you like what they have to say, then try their ideas. But always come back to the question. What works for me?

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Day in.

Day out.

The same.

Week in.

Week out.

The same.

Year in.

Year out.

The same.

Life all clumped together, nothing different.

How does that sound?

Nicholas M Butler, Nobel Peace prize winner said “Many peoples’ tombstones should read, ‘Died at 30, buried at 65.’” If that doesn’t sound appealing to you, then you’re going to have to do something different to ensure it doesn’t happen to you.

You have to claim responsibility for your time and decide on a continuous basis just how much life you’re going to put in to your life.

You’re going to have to pay attention to your days, weeks and years.

No one else will do this for you, nor should they.

If you want anything extraordinary out of life then you’re going to have to put in the work to do so. You’ll have to take chances, some perhaps riskier than others, but they’ll be required in order to escape the gravity of an everyday existence.

So you have daily choice to make.

The same or something different?

The bad news and the good news is, it’s always up to you.

Choose wisely.

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What does a successful day look like for you?

Is it?

A day where you’re able to complete your to do list?

A day when you helped someone?

A day that leaves you feeling fulfilled?

Or a day that is a combination of action, effort and results?

Your successful day can be as simple or as complicated as you’d like it to be, but only after you define what it should look like will you be able to accomplish it.

A great way to ensure you have a successful day is to begin with being intentional about your day. How you define a successful day is entirely up to you and should be based on what you want to accomplish and how you want your life to look. It should not be based on the comparisons to another person’s day or results.

A successful daily routine will give you a sense of personal fulfilment. It will help in freeing you from the feeling of a mundane or monotonous life because you’ll experience the feeling every day of moving towards a life you want to live.

So develop the habit of setting daily intentionality for yourself, take ownership and drive towards your definition of a successful life by first designing your successful day.

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The patient has six month to live – the patient lives for twenty years.

The company is doomed to fail – the company goes on to become one of the biggest companies in history.

The candidate has no chance of winning – the candidate goes on to win the race.

The team is an underdog and doesn’t have the experience to win – the team wins.

I could go on with many more examples, but I’m sure you get the point.

Experts can be wrong.

But why are experts so often wrong?

It’s because they’re over confident in their understanding of a subject. The thing they most often fail to see is that their predictions are always based on historical events. And although the future can be similar to the past, it has its nuances that make it different.

This doesn’t mean that experts can’t be right; it’s just that you have to decide how much of your future you want to put in the hands of the experts. If you’re pursuing something you believe in and are told by experts that it can’t be done, you have to make the decision whether to continue or not.

Don’t forget that once upon a time the experts thought the world was flat. Can you imagine what life would look like if they had been believed and the great explorers had never set out to sea?

So as you move forward in your endeavors, be an explorer and keep in mind that no one, not even the experts ever knows for sure what’s really going to happen.

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What are the possibilities?

How many are there?

How will you know?

These are big open ended questions, and rightfully so.

They are questions designed to prompt you to think beyond the scope of what currently is.

Don’t infuse them with probabilities, at least not yet.

When you’re exploring possibilities, learn to leave your mind as open as possible.

There have been numerous times in history when individuals dreamt of things that would eventually become possible. For example, Da Vinci’s drawings of flying machines were way ahead of his time but this didn’t limit him from thinking about what could eventually be possible.

Many times it takes technology and other events to catch up to ideas, but that shouldn’t constrain you from dreaming about what might be possible. When JFK first announced the idea of going to the moon and back the space program didn’t even exist. One could say that such a bold claim was foolish at the time, but in hindsight you can see that only after he announced what could be possible did the resources come together to make it a reality.

I mentioned probability earlier. The challenge with probability is that it only deals with the knowns of today, and there’s nothing wrong with that except that it can limit your thinking. If you start adding probability in to the equation too early then you’ll very quickly give up on your possibility thinking. Yes, having a healthy dose of skepticism can be helpful, but not if it holds back your thinking.

Learn to actively explore possibilities. Wide open ended possibilities. In fact, the more ridiculous the possibilities sound the further you should push them. So learn to keep pulling on the thread of ‘what if’ and ‘what can be,’ and discover as many possibilities as you can.

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Sing along with me.

Sticks and stones will break my bones.

Come on, you know the rest.

But names will…

I can’t hear you.

Never hurt me.

Did you sing it?

Even more important, do you believe it?

Do you believe that names can never hurt you?

You can either consider this to be a childish rhyme to be ignored, or a life mantra.

However, if you decide to ignore it, you do so at your own peril. If you make the choice to let names hurt you, then you’ve drawn a large red emotional bullseye on your back. And unfortunately you will encounter people throughout your life that will use you for target practice because they’ll know they can provoke you by calling you names.

Building a thick skin to protect your emotions against name calling takes time and practice. It’s harder when you’re young because your life is so influenced by those closest to you, so you’re always working to fit in. However, as you get older and aren’t as dependent on others you can begin to train yourself against the name calling and taunts of others.

The sooner you realize that another person’s opinion of you doesn’t define you, the better off you’ll be. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re being a called a name that aggravates you, or raises your defenses, sing sticks and stones quietly in your mind and watch your anger evaporate away.

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