Follow the flock?

Or.

Be the black sheep?

Follow the crowd?

Or.

Be the misfit?

The choice is yours.

Life is undoubtedly easier if keep your head down, say nothing and just keep working on fitting in. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But, if you want be unique then by definition you have to be different.

You can’t be a pawn and be the king or queen.

At some point you will have to make a decision. And then you’ll have to commit to the decision.

And there will be a price to pay for your decision.

The price will be in the form of an emotional toll on your mind. You see, the allure, the gravitational pull of the crowd is incredibly powerful.

Every day you will be asked either by others or even your own self some form of the following questions.

Are you sure you want to do that?

Why do you think you’re different?

Wouldn’t it just be so much easier if you do what everyone else is doing?

And you’ll continuously have to answer these questions.

Being the one that wants to be different, the misfit, the oddball, is easy to say but extremely difficult to do. Difficult, but not impossible.

The great thing is that to follow or not follow the crowd is a choice you get to make many times throughout your life. And as long you’re being true to yourself about the kind of person you want to be then ultimately it doesn’t really matter if there’s a crowd or no crowd.

You be you and let them be them.

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Why did you look at me like that?

Why did you make that face?

Why did you use that tone?

If you’ve asked any of the previous questions then you might be playing emotional Rorschach. There might not have been a face, a look or a tone and there’s a chance you misinterpreted what you heard or saw.

The Rorschach test, also a known as the inkblot test is a projective psychological test that was created in 1921. It was designed to test an individual’s perceptions of inkblots on a piece of paper. The key word in the description of the test is ‘projective.’

“The underlying assumption is that an individual will class external stimuli based on person-specific perceptual sets, and including needs, base motives, conflicts, and that this clustering process is representative of the process used in real-life situations.”

Essentially what is said is that you will see and experience situations based on your own personal history. You will, for lack of a better word, project and then ultimately derive meaning from a situation based on your past. So there is a chance that you read the situation incorrectly.

Maybe the look meant nothing. Maybe there was no underlying agenda. It could just be in your mind.

Now obviously, like so much in life, there’s a lot of grey area and you’re probably not always mistaken when assessing a situation. But what if sometimes you are?

Holding back judgement or giving an individual the benefit of the doubt is a great way to prevent jumping to conclusions about what someone did or said towards you.

One of the interesting things researchers found when administering the test is that cultural backgrounds and prior experiences influenced what people saw in the inkblots. And since we all have some unique aspects to our individual experiences and history, it means that we all experience the world differently.

So the next time you find yourself wondering what someone meant by the look on their face or something they said that’s got you a little flustered, think about the emotional Rorschach. It might a combination of your imagination and projection leading you to a false conclusion.

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How often do you find yourself behind the eight ball?

One of the definitions of being behind the eight ball is the feeling of being behind on a task, a sense of overwhelm.

In today’s always on world it’s really easy to get caught up in the number of incoming requests for your time and your own to dos. So much so that you’re often left feeling that you’re continuously behind the eight ball.

The phrase, behind the eight ball originated from the game of pool. It’s the inability to take a clear shot because the cue ball is stuck behind the eight ball. The difference between playing pool and life is that in pool your opponent is usually the one trying to position you behind the eight ball, whereas in life there’s a high chance that you’re doing it to yourself.

I’m not saying that you don’t have a legitimate and endless list of to do’s, what I am suggesting is that maybe there are times when you’ve taken on just a little too much. And that’s when you get the feeling of being behind the eight ball.

So how do you get out from behind the eight ball?

Well, there are always things that you could consider taking off your list. But for arguments sake let’s say that you can’t. Then what can you do?

What if you pause for a moment? That’s what pool players do. They step back from the table to assess their situation in order to find their next best shot. They pause just long enough to get out from behind the eight ball. Now getting out from behind the eight ball is not guarantee that they will win the game, but it does allow them to continue playing.

What could be your version of a pause?

Your pause could be stepping away for seconds to take a deep breath. Or it could be pausing for minutes or even days, all depending on the importance of the request or task at hand. It could even be re-prioritizing your list, and in some cases totally eliminating some of your things to do.

I am not suggesting that you abdicate your responsibilities. What I am saying is that so much of the sense of overwhelm people encounter and feel is a result of taking on too much, or giving away too much of their attention and time. And the equation of giving away too much while taking on additional is one that will never leave you in the positive; it will always leave you feeling as though you’re behind the eight ball.

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How do you show mutual respect?

It’s easy to have mutual respect with someone that agrees with you or that you’re in agreement with, the challenge is to respect someone with opposing viewpoints.

One of the dangers of not having mutual respect is that you’re not open to even hearing viewpoints that contradict how you think. Respecting an individual’s right to voice their opinions and thoughts without pre-judging them is the only way to move a conversation or idea forward.

Allowing yourself to have mutual respect for someone you disagree with says more about you than the other person. When you can be open to new ideas without rushing to defend your existing position displays a high level of self-confidence. Not confidence in a hubristic fashion, but rather a comfort with who you are and courage to engage other people’s ideas.

It’s been said that respect is not just the absence negative behavior, but the presence of positive behaviors. This means taking an active stance to being curious, engaging and open to others, the position that their input is worthy of your consideration.

Mutual respect can be difficult to cultivate because it can feel threatening. When someone has an opposing opinion it’s natural to feel as though you’re being attacked, and in some ways you are. Your ideas and thoughts are being challenged and since they are directly tied to your identity, you protect yourself.

But if you can learn to be vulnerable just for a moment, not surrender, just see the other person as you want them to see you then you have taken the first step towards mutual respect. Now there’s an opening, an opportunity to engage in new conversations, ideas and issues.

If we don’t develop and practice mutual respect, then ultimately we are destined for mutual destruction.

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Do you agree or disagree?

I can hear your brain spinning and asking, ‘well it depends on the question?’

Does it?

What if there is no obvious question, just an opportunity to act?

You see, every action you take is an agreement or disagreement with yourself.

If you doubt me then let me give you an example.

There are many hot topics we can choose from, but let’s make it easy and choose politics.

How many times have you heard a person in strong disagreement with government policies?  Yet when you ask them what action they’ve taken to change it, you’ll quickly find that they haven’t acted.

Why is this?

Because it’s easier to talk about than do.

When your actions are out of alignment with your thoughts you will feel out of balance because you’re in disagreement with yourself. There’s actually a fancy term for this kind of behavior, it’s called cognitive dissonance, which literally means mental discomfort.

Narrowing the gap between how you think and how you act gives you a sense of harmony because you are being true to yourself. You are in agreement.

But this doesn’t mean that you’re limited to always thinking and acting in the same way. You can choose to think differently about something but you have to follow it with an action, because that is how you’ll agree with your new thought.

So the next time you have a thought or even and idea about how you’d like to be, do something differently, or change a current behavior then validate it with an action. Close the gap between the person you want to be and the person you are. Be in agreement with yourself.

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Are you a lifesaver?

No.

Not the fruity candy with a hole in the middle.

But more like the circular flotation device you find hanging of boats and at pools.

I think you’re a lifesaver, you just aren’t aware of it.

Yes, you have the power to save a life.

Okay. Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way. Both calling 911 in the event of an emergency and performing CPR are both lifesaving activities that you can you can do with relative ease.

But what about the simple acts that you can perform on a daily basis where the outcome might not be as obvious?

You can acknowledge a server at a restaurant or customer service person at a store, letting them know that they are appreciated.

Reach out to a friend or someone you haven’t spoken to in a while just to remind them that someone is thinking of them.

Send a thank you note to someone that positively impacted your life.

By themselves these acts might seem trivial, but its little acts of kindness that make biggest impact over time.

There have been many stories of individuals whose lives were changed in a dramatic way just because someone cared enough to ask them how they’re doing.

Oh, and lastly, like the lifesaver you have your arms that can make a perfect ring. The power of a good hug is a miracle in its self.

For a split second you get to feel another person’s heartbeat and realize that is feels and sounds just like your own.

That what’s keeping them alive is keeping you alive too.

And recognize that ultimately we all have the ability to be lifesavers for each other.

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What is your personal reward system?

What do you do or say to yourself when you catch yourself doing things well?

How do you reinforce your own good behavior?

Positive reinforcement works just as well with people as it does with animals.

Most people are really good at beating themselves up when they make a mistake, but they don’t make an effort or take the time to reward themselves for good actions or behaviors.

I’m not saying throw an all-out celebration every time you do something well, although you can if that’s what you want. What I am suggesting is that you take a moment to recognize and reward yourself with some positive self-talk,   a virtual pat on your back.

It’s very easy to only notice your faults because they stand out as reminders that no matter how hard you might try, you’re not perfect. Whereas praising yourself for small accomplishments and wins might seem childish or even inconsequential because you expect yourself get things right.

There is also a deeper underlying reason that many people don’t praise themselves and it comes down to their own self-worth. For whatever reason they don’t feel worthy of praise and this can be very difficult, although not impossible to overcome.

Your self-reward system doesn’t have to super indulgent. It can be something as simple as a few kind words to yourself, just as a reminder that you did something well. For example, when you see athletes perform a fist pump that’s a reward to remind them of a positive moment.

A self-reward system doesn’t only serve to continue current good behavior, it can also be an effective way to create behavior change and implement new habits in to your life.

Start rewarding yourself when you feel as though you’ve done something well or right and you’ll find yourself doing it more often. You have the ability to create positive, upward behavior cycles just as easy as negative ones. If you get in to the habit of catching and rewarding yourself for being good, then over time you might just forget or eliminate being bad.

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How do you handle your self-doubt?

If you find yourself constantly asking if you’re doing the right thing, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Self-doubt is as common as breathing. Even the most seasoned individuals, experts in their fields still experience self-doubt.

Self-doubt will at some time or another show up in your life. Whether it be in education, relationships, career choices, parenting, or even something as simple as what you should wear, self-doubt will make its appearance.

In fact as I’m writing this I can feel self-doubt peering over my shoulder, shaking its head side to side and asking me if this is really what I should be writing about. And I have to give it my honest answer, I don’t know but I’m going to do it anyway.

Self-doubt has the power to stop people dead in their tracks. It’s what you witness when you see a person walk up to the edge of a diving board and then decide not to jump. And when self-doubt shows up, it doesn’t come alone, it brings its friend, fear. And together they team up against you.

Self-doubt never really goes away; it’s insidious, just waiting quietly in the wings waiting to make its next appearance. And every time it does, you have to decide how long to let it perform before you send it off stage.

You have to choose how much control you’re going to give your self-doubt, how much of your life you’re going to let it drive. If you let it, it will control every decision you make and your entire life will be on its terms. And that’s no way to live.

A key step in coping with self-doubt is learning to accept it as part of life. Once you accept it then you can develop tools and strategies to manage it.

Remember, self-doubt is an emotion as old as time and was designed to keep you safe and alive. But now that you’re safe and alive don’t let it dictate who you’re going to be, don’t hide in its shadow. We want to see you take center stage and perform, not your self-doubt.

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Do you know what you’ll have after today?

After today you’ll have one day less.

You’ll have one day less to pursue your dreams and goals.

You’ll have one day less to spend time with people you love.

You’ll have one day less to tell them that you love them.

You’ll have one day less to remind yourself just how lucky you were to be here.

You’ll have one day less to be you.

Life is one big subtraction machine and each day that goes by gives you one day less. And although your age increases you can’t add days to your life, you can however add life to your days.

As the old cliché goes, ‘today is a gift and that’s why it’s called the present.’ And like many clichés there’s some truth to it. However, the gift you’re given of each day cannot be collected or stored, it must actually it will be spent whether you want to or not.

So what will you with your gift of today?

What will you do to add life to your days?

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Heads I win, tails you lose.

How do you like that deal?

Does it work for you?

It works for me.

I love being right and winning every time.

How about you?

The temptation to always be right is so alluring that the cost associated with it is often forgotten. And you incorrectly think that the other person has lost, but you too have incurred a loss. You just haven’t experienced it yet.

Buried deep down in human nature there’s a need for survival, and survival is inextricably tied to the desire to defend ourselves and this can also manifest itself in the need to be right.

But it can come at a cost.

All relationships begin as fragile structures and if individuals consistently feel like they need to defend themselves then cracks will begin to form.

Best-selling author Eckhart Tolle describes the need to be right “as a form of violence. At its mildest, it is inflexibility. At its height, it manifests as dominance. The compulsion to inflict our opinions of the world on another originates in fear. Its opposites are humility and compassion.”

Walking away from an argument or conceding to being wrong is extremely difficult to do, but it is possible.

There’s a great question you can ask yourself.

Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?

Obviously like any other tool this question will not work every time, but if nothing else, if it gives you the opportunity to pause for a moment and evaluate the situation at hand then the question has done its job.

Heads I win, tails you lose might seem attractive at first glance, but the problem is that the person you’re playing with will eventually catch on and will no longer want to engage in your game.  Learning to occasionally concede in relationships doesn’t make you a loser; it gives you the opportunity to play again.

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What are your thoughts about IFTTT?

I apologize. First let me explain what IFTTT stands for.

If This, Then That.

In the world of software development IFTT is a conditional statement, and there are tools that help developers automate conditional actions.

What are your default conditional actions and statements?

We all have a set of automated reactions and responses that we use to guide us through our day because it would be exhausting to make decisions about each situation as it arises.

However, the challenge occurs when your automated responses begin to cause problems. When your internal IFTTT statements no longer provide the outcomes you’re seeking.

When your IFTTT statements have in fact become your habits.

The good news is that just like the software developer you too can change your IFTTT statements.

You can choose any of the following statements or even create your own.

If this then what.

If this then maybe.

Or even a firm, if this then no.

The ‘if’ is the trigger that sets of your conditional statements.

You have the power to change your own IFTTT statements. And if you pay attention then you’ll quickly learn that the ‘if’ is your first opportunity to edit how you will respond to both external and internal triggers.

Remember, conditional statements are just that, conditional statements. They are only permanent if you want them to be.

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What are our common denominators?

If you remember back to fractions in your math class the common denominator was when the number under the numerator (top number) was the same.

Well as people we all have common denominators.

We all have things in common that we are all striving for and working towards.

You can boil them down to a degree of comfort, a desire to feel as though you are loved, friendship and some semblance of predictability or stability in life.

If you spend enough time with people you will find that these denominators and perhaps a few that I’ve missed is what binds us together as humans. That we are all essentially seeking the same things in life, we’re just going about it in different ways.

Once you realize that the person next to you or across from you is just like you then you can begin to have the same empathy for them that you hope people have for you.  And that although your physical appearance is different from each other, deep down your desires are the same.

Seeing people as you see yourself can change your perspective on almost every interaction with another person if you let it, and they will feel it. You will begin to exude natural warmth because you’ll start to treat other people the way you want to be treated.

When you begin to focus on the common denominators they will become amplified and you will begin to transition from an individual mindset to a collective mindset. You will begin to behave in a way that’s not just good for you, but also good for everyone.

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What does the ideal occupation look like?

What does the ideal person look like?

What does the ideal relationship look like?

The ideal anything is a fiction created in a moment.

It’s when your mind allows all the best qualities it can imagine to come together and form an ideal of an object, person or situation. The problem is that your mind cannot distinguish the difference between imagination and reality, so when it conjures up the image of ideal, it does so in a space where little else exists.

In fact even one of the dictionary definitions for ideal is, “existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.”

How often have you tried to pursue an ideal in an area your life?

What did you learn?

I’m not attempting to dissuade from pursuing your dreams or goals, nor am I suggesting that some kind of ideal isn’t possible. What I am saying is that there will always be a difference between your imagination and reality, and the degrees of differences will depend on case by case basis.

For instance, if you imagine an ideal inanimate object then the odds of creating such a thing is much higher because you are manipulating molecules to meet certain specifications. But if you try to do the same thing with a person or situation, the likelihood that you will succeed is very slim.

In most cases, pursuing an ideal anything can be considered a fool’s errand, especially if you start comparing your real life to your idealized life.

And just imagine if you were able to create a reality where all your ideals came true. It might sound good for a moment, but do you remember what happened in the fable of King Midas?

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How’s your relationship?

With  yourself.

Is it good?

Do you enjoy being you?

If not all the time then at least most of the time?

Are you kind to yourself when you make mistakes?

Do you practice self-forgiveness?

Do you love yourself regardless of what happens in your life?

If you can’t fully accept, forgive and love who you are then how will you allow others to do so?

Practicing compassion and love for yourself doesn’t mean you stop striving to be a better version of you, if that’s what you want. It does mean accepting the current version in its full form.

Almost everyone has experienced the voice of their inner tormenter just waiting to put them down and taunt them when they make a mistake. For some the voices are so loud and consistent that it paralyzes them from attempting anything.

Self-love doesn’t eliminate the voice, doubt, fear or any other such emotion but it does help you work through them. It provides you with a warm protective blanket; a security that regardless of what happens, you will always love you.

Building a strong loving relationship with yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and ultimately for those around you. It does take practice and you might have to remind yourself just how important you are to you. But once you get in the habit of doing so, you will experience a noticeable shift in your life and how you view other people too.

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Do you know that you’re contagious even though you might be feeling fine?

Yes, your energy is contagious.

You can change the feelings and mood of people around you just by your presence.

Energy is constantly emanating from your body and people can feel it.

You’ve probably experienced someone asking if you’re okay without you saying anything. That’s because they can feel your energy, also commonly known as your vibe, which is short for vibration.

You can learn to control your energy so that people enjoy being around you. This doesn’t mean you should fake it, because people will sense that too.

Controlling your energy starts with your mind. Your ability to be present in moments without carrying too much baggage from the past and not living too far in to the future allows you to create a calm energy in the present.

You can then use your calmness as a foundation for admiration, enthusiasm, love or any other emotion you want to feel in that moment. And that’s the energy and vibration that people will experience and feel.

So keep in mind that you’re always radiating energy and since you’re going to be contagious, why not be the kind of contagious that people enjoy catching.

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What is a word?

A word is nothing by itself.

A word is whatever meaning you give to it.

When you were born you had no concept of words. You were taught to give meaning to words.

What if you were taught incorrectly?

Words are used to give meaning to things so that we can neatly categorize them in our minds. Take something simple like the word tree. Apparently there are over 60,000 different kinds of tree, but when you see a tree you just say or think tree and move on, because it’s easier to think this way.

This might be okay for objects, but what about words that evoke emotions.

Take the word fair.

If I say ‘she’s so fair,’ and you can’t see her, what thought comes to mind?

Does she have a lighter skin tone or a just disposition?

Your answer will depend on the context. Yes, how I use it the phrase is important but so is how you see the world.

Giving too much or too little weight to words people say will dictate how you feel about them, and how you feel about yourself.

Ultimately you get to decide how important words are and how much power you give them. Don’t forget that every word you say and hear was made up by someone at some point in time so they could categorize their own personal situation in their mind.

A word meant nothing until someone said it did.

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How does it feel to be essentially anonymous?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

The vast majority of people that have ever lived have lived in relative anonymity.

Even with all the talk about the internet making the world a much smaller place and the ability to have a global presence, which is all true to a certain extent, most people will live in obscurity.

With an estimated global population of about 7.6 billion people, you represent 0.000000013158% of the global population. And just so you don’t feel alone, you should know that you and I together represent 0.000000026316%. As you can see, that’s a lot of zero’s before we’re even close to being a whole number. .

So the majority of people in the world will never know that you existed. But there’s a handful of people that will, and for some of them, you are their world.

You are and always will be the most important person they might ever encounter.

You will be the one, the 100% to them.

Although Shakespeare so eloquently wrote “All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players;They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts…etc.” He didn’t define size of the world or the stage.

Your performance on your world and stage is with those that are closest you. The ones you interact with on a daily basis. The ones whose lives you’ll be able to change and influence forever. The ones you’ll never be anonymous for.

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How long will it take to get there?

This is a very common question asked when making travel plans and even during a trip.

And the answer is usually in the form of, well, under current conditions.

And regardless how good the estimates of time might be prior to the trip, they will change based on the length of the trip and the conditions of the day.

A short trip is obviously more predictable because fewer factors are involved and if you’ve taken the trip before then prior knowledge can also be of benefit to you.

However, long journeys to unknown places are unpredictable and that’s when you start of relying on the estimates of current conditions and hope they continue.

Life is also a long journey to an unknown place and with constantly changing conditions.  And when you set out to work on a goal it’s just like taking that long trip. All your estimates will be based upon current conditions and what you know, however the larger the goal the more unpredictable conditions will be.

This should not dissuade you from attempting to work towards large goals but when you encounter situations you didn’t or couldn’t predict, remind yourself that you’re stepping out in to unfamiliar territory and unknown conditions.

Everyone sets out under current conditions. Some get to where they’re going sooner or later than others. Others give up and turn back.

If your goal is important and has meaning to you then you’ll appreciate the current conditions, and find a way to work through the guaranteed unknown conditions that lie ahead.

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